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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about being left out of family things all the time?

45 replies

NormaSknockers · 06/08/2009 14:11

The latest being my dad is starting up his Am Dram society again (I know it doesn't sound exciting but my dad is very passionate about it & I'm so pleased he's doing something for him & doing something he loves) & my mother got all my siblings together for a big family photo with her & dad all wearing the branded sweatshirts etc to promote it.....only I knew nothing about it til I saw the photos just now. Even my SIL was in it, why wasn't I asked to join in?

This always happens, my mother is always having family BBQs & arranging this, that & the other yet I never get asked & only find out after the event. Am I that meaningless?

She even got drunk at my DSs first birthday party but that's a whole different story.

So AIBU to be upset or should I just act my age & act like it doesn't hurt?

OP posts:

flashharriet · 06/08/2009 21:54

Good luck norma - please let us know how you get on

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2009 21:56

Am I right in thinking you're the only daughter? You mention brothers and SILs only. I have known people who dote on sons and ignore daughters. Not nice, but it happens.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 06/08/2009 21:59

Hope it went ok for you NS. TBH, at this point - what do you have to lose? If they stop speaking to you - how could that be worse than what happens now?

gingerbunny · 06/08/2009 22:28

hope you're ok.

Original poster

NormaSknockers · 07/08/2009 08:15

Morning all,

Tried to call a few times last night but she was either out (unlikely) or ignoring the phone (probable) so will have to try again tonight.

Typically DH is on an extended late shift this evening so he won't be here but I have a very large mint aero in the fridge in preperation!

Where No I'm not the only girl, I am the eldest of 7 though. My mother was 19 when she had me (unplanned) & all my siblngs are half siblings. The general feeling is I'm responsible for screwing her life up as in her own words 'If I hadn't of had you B would have been my first baby'. B is the 5th child

OP posts:

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/08/2009 08:20

Fingers crossed, maybe write some stuff down today cause when it comes to it you want it to be exactly what you want answered rather than getting upset or finding it hard to find the words.

FedUpWithRainyDevon · 07/08/2009 08:31

Hi Norma, what you've said explains a lot about her behaviour but by no means justifies it. I think it's time to tell her that that kind of resentment has to stop otherwise you'll find it difficult to continue to talk to her when you feel the way you do. She cannot continue to punish you for her own mistakes and you have to get her to understand that, for your own sanity.

If it was me I would write down a few points that you need to get across at the very minimum during your conversation and practice talking very clearly "Mum, I NEED you to treat me equally to your other children, and not exclude me. You have got to realise how hurt I am when you talk about regretting having me. I am still your daughter and I believe I have the right to be treated as a member of this family, not an embarrassment, which is how you make me feel now"

Sorry if that's lecturey

Best wishes and let us know how it goes xxx

IsItMeOr · 07/08/2009 08:50

Hi Norma, couldn't read this without saying this is just a terrible way for them to treat you and you don't deserve it. Of course you feel upset by this. Hope it goes well when you speak to her - there are some really good tips from others here.

(((((hugs)))))

screamingabdab · 07/08/2009 09:07

The best of luck Norma, I really feel for you.

Great advice on here on assertiveness

eastendmummy · 07/08/2009 09:22

Norma, I don't have any advice other than to echo what's already been said by others, but hope that it goes OK with your mum, and I think you're being treated really unfairly by her. Good luck with the call, and if it doesn't work out, then you have your husband and children who are your 'first family' and you can focus all your love and energy on them.

Original poster

NormaSknockers · 07/08/2009 10:15

Well I called this morning as DS was having a nap & DD playing plus DH was here.

She firstly claimed that she had tried to call me, when I asked when she skirted around it & didn't answer. She then changed her mind & said that the photo was taken on the day of DSs first birthday party. Well a) they were all here at the party so why couldn't they have taken the photo then? & b) the party didn't start til 2 so I could have nipped round before then.

It was a very short call & was basically left as her claiming she'd tried to ring (still not saying when) & that's that.

I feel ok, it's pretty much what I expected, for there to be an excuse for me not being in it.

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 07/08/2009 11:56

Well done on making the call! Glad to hear you are feeling ok.

FWIW your latest post made me think that you are the parent here and she is the child - she definitely has some issues, doesn't she? What you did was make sure there were some consequences for her of her behaviour. If you keep doing this in a calm way, maybe, just maybe, she will find it easier to change her ways that keep squirming.

Either way, as eastendmummy says, you have your first family to focus on, and they sound great, especially such a supportive DH.

OhBling · 07/08/2009 12:08

Aaah, the parental lie. The one where in one conversation she will come up with three or four alternative stories, that contradict each other, to explain doing/not doing something.

Norma, I've been through this. Different scenarios of course, but the same approach from my mother. And I found that logic simply does not work because they're so wrapped up in the lie. Sometimes it's a lie for "sinister" reasons but quite often it's just to protect themselves from having to take any responsibility eg she forgot, she knew you'd be upset and simply cannot understand that a simple, "I'm so sorry, I forgot and it all got away with me - can we take another one when you're here next time" would work. So they lie. And tie themselves up in knots.

Something that has worked (somewhat) for me in the past is to simply ignore the lies and the excuses and tell her what I expect in the future. so in your case, it could be "Mum, it doesn't matter why it happened. It upset me and I was, for whatever reason, excluded from an important family event." And leave it like that. Or, if the situation is the right kind, you can add what you expect in future (in this one it's hard as I'm assuming family photos aren't everyday occurences but perhaps something like, "I will take it very badly if the next full family event excludes me again". Or something similar?

Domokun · 07/08/2009 14:59

I'm in exactly the same position Norma, and it's been like that as long as I can remember also. My parents always had a very close relationship with my sister and practically no relationship with me, nor any interest in one. I always felt very hurt and excluded by it.

I could give a string of examples of their obvious favouritism. And I will, because it makes me feel better. They bought her a car when she turned 17, but not only did they not buy me one when I turned 17, but they even refused to allow me to buy one with my own damned money that I worked for and earned. They also let her borrow their cars, which I was never allowed to do. When we moved out and got our own places, they very rarely bothered to visit us - about once every two years. As soon as my sister moved out, they were round her place every weekend, doing her laundry and painting her house and doing all the little jobs for her. They've now moved in with her FFS!

All my friends find it laughable, although my OH is actually pretty offended by it. Frankly, I've just adjusted to it over the years and distance myself from them completely, and don't feel any sort of love or affection for them any more. We're planning on having kids very soon, and I'm struggling to understand how I should deal with their relationship with any kids we have, as I really don't want them involved but I suspect they'll suddenly take an interest in my life after 30-odd years.

TwoHot · 07/08/2009 15:33

Reminds me of a tale someone told me years ago. I was working with a lovely woman who told me that she was the odd one out in her family. One example she gave was that her parents, years after both daughters moved out of home, bought a new house. They combined all the family names to create a new house name. Except they didnt include one of the daughters. Even more galling her name would have fitted in nicely! Poor woman! She told me that although it still hurt her she was happier having distenced herself from all three of them. I really cant understand why a family would be like this.

Silver1 · 08/08/2009 17:05

Have you ever tried to track down your birth dad? Are your half sibs the children of this second dad of yours

The truth is YANBU unreasonable to be upset, but I doubt very much you will change her-she sounds twisted.

You have a wonderful DH-lovely children and a home. Step away from your parents and siblings, it will be hard at first especially if they no make no reconciliation gestures to you, but you will feel better for it in the long run when the fresh wounds they keep inflicting aren't so raw.

Silver1 · 08/08/2009 17:05

Have you ever tried to track down your birth dad? Are your half sibs the children of this second dad of yours

The truth is YANBU unreasonable to be upset, but I doubt very much you will change her-she sounds twisted.

Original poster

NormaSknockers · 08/08/2009 19:59

I met my birth father when I was 16 & moved in with him for a while. Sadly he very quickly showed his true colours & turned out to be the arsehole everyone told me he was. I moved in with him purely to get away from my mother, I was so desperate.

I no longer have contact with him or his 5 other children (only 2 of which I have ever met).

My mother is currently on her 3rd marriage, 3 of my siblings have 1 father, 2 have another, & the last another. I am the only child from my mother & birth father (still with me?) my mother & father were never married (he was married to someone else) I've had 4 different surnames as everytime my mother married she changed my surname, I was in care for a period of time & when I left my fathers I got a full time job & got a flat simply so I wouldn't have to go back to live with her.....not that she would have let me!

Sorry I'm seriously waffling here!

OP posts:

Silver1 · 08/08/2009 21:55

You are not waffling- I am sorry it has all been so hurtful and messy for you.

Your siblings like you are probably just trying to stay on the right side of your mum because they can see what she can be like.

YOU CAN LIVE A GOOD LIFE WITHOUT THEIR APPROVAL. Focuss on the little family you have under your roof, I don't mean this in a rude way, but you also need to start finding ways to boost your self confidence, that you are a good and worthy person, otherwise it will be very hard to say "Sod 'em"

oneplusone · 08/08/2009 22:12

I am always left out too. I have 2 sisters. When i got married, neither of them got me a wedding present. When they got married, they both got each other presents. If one sister has a party, she'll invite the other one but not me. When one sister fell pregnant, she told the other one weeks before she told me.

I have decided to end our relationship. If i ever try to talk to them about feeling hurt at being excluded/left out, i am always told i am being oversensetive and i should just put up and shut up. Well, i am doing neither, i am walking away and leaving them to it.

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