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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to pick family up from the airport?

23 replies

Besom · 04/08/2009 19:10

The background is that my dad is having chemotherapy and db and sil who live abroad are coming over for a few months to help out which is a very good effort by them.

They are arriving at around 11pm and picking them up from airport would mean I wouldn't get to bed until about 2am. DH and I have to get up at 6am to go to work. Then I have to come back and look after my toddler dd. I'm not a good sleeper anyway and it's likely I wouldn't sleep at all that night. I have a stressful (and responsible) job which will be particularly stressful that week for various reasons. I'm not someone who copes well without sleep.

The last time I spoke to db he did not appear to be expecting me to pick him up and spoke about getting a taxi (not expensive).

The problem is that my dad has been on the phone to db saying I will pick them up and is saying to me that I should as it will be nice for them. (I haven't spoken to db myself again). When I said I didn't want to do it, he compared me to sil, saying she is making an effort and implying that I am being lazy/selfish by not wanting to do this. He says it is only one night/day and I should do it for him (who is ill with cancer). He is being quite passive/aggressive about it imo. But it seems to be a big deal to him rather than to db who doesn't seem that bothered. (Although father may now have made him bothered)

I feel guilty and upset but at the same time the prospect of missing a night's sleep is making me feel ill and really stressing me out.

So, am I being an unreasonable lazy/selfish cow and should I just do it or would I be justified in saying no?

wwyd?

OP posts:

franklymydear · 04/08/2009 19:12

I'd call my brother and explain and ask how he feels about taking a taxi

I'd intimate that I'd pick him up if he really wanted it so it has to be his decision but thaat there would be an impact on your life for the next few days

and then I'd just lie to your father

hercules1 · 04/08/2009 19:13

I dont blame you. A taxi is perfectly fine.

rubyslippers · 04/08/2009 19:13

honestly, i wouldn't

your BIL isn't bothered so not sure why your dad is

i wouldn't be happy going to a stressful job on 4 hours sleep for no good reason

screamingabdab · 04/08/2009 19:20

I wouldn't, and I wouldn't expect someone to do it for me, either.

Really difficult being guilt- tripped by your ill father, though

pleasechange · 04/08/2009 19:25

agree with screamingabdab, but a difficult one if your dad is so intent on it

lisad123 · 04/08/2009 19:28

I would go, as your dad says only one night, and your family all seem to be chipping in. But thats just me

Uriel · 04/08/2009 19:29

YANBU. Let him take a taxi.

Also, I would expect your brother to come and do his share of looking after your dad, it's not helping.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 04/08/2009 19:32

YANBU explain to your DB what you have said here, I think your dad is the one being unreasonable TBH, could he not pick them up?

allaboutme · 04/08/2009 19:36

Call your brother and explain your worries to him. Tell him that you dont want to upset your Dad and its not that you dont WANT to collect them, but it will be very very hard for you to do so.
Perhaps agree to split the taxi bill and keep it from your Dad between the two of you?

wonderingwondering · 04/08/2009 19:41

My guess is your dad feels very grateful that your DB and SiL are dropping their overseas life and coming to look after him, and while he'd like to make them welcome and go to pick them up, he can't. So he wants you to go to show that their presence is appreciated.

He's probably thinking about how nice it is to have a friendly face at the airport, rather than the inconvenience to you. I'd speak to your bro, explain the situation and go back to your dad and db he insisted on a cab in case his flight is delayed.

CMOTdibbler · 04/08/2009 19:41

I think I might offer to arrange a taxi to pick them up from the airport - after all, the worst bit of the journey is often the bit of getting there and then navigating taxi rank etc.

Tell your Dad that yes, you'd love to do it, but as work will be busy that week, you just can't, so have sorted out reliable taxi, and your brother is fine with it. End of. Just refuse to discuss it further.

wonderingwondering · 04/08/2009 19:43

Should have said - go back to your dad and say DB insisted on getting a cab in case of delays....

Original poster

Besom · 04/08/2009 20:11

Good advice - thank you everyone for replying.

I'll phone db and speak to him again tonight. It had not occurred to me to tell dad I've picked db up when I haven't - an interesting possibility!

wondering - you have hit the nail on the head I think. Dad can't pick them up because of where he will be in chemo cycle and normally he is the kind of person who goes out of his way like this for people (puts himself out to a bizarre extent sometimes imo).

Uriel - you've put this in perspective for me a bit by what you said. Dad is conveniently forgetting that I'm the one who didn't leave in the first place (even though I've had the chance). I've just phoned him up and said this to him actually and he seemed to take it on board (sort of).

But CMOTdibbler - I think you're right I should just not discuss this with him any more now.

OP posts:

pranma · 04/08/2009 20:48

I had chemo in 2007 and various family members came [from Turkey and Canada]We were able to arrange to have them picked up by family-they had already spent such a lot on tickets and a taxi fare was too much extra to expect[50 miles from airport].If you cant do it is there someone else?Your dad just needs to feel you are all together-chemo is terrifying honestly.Do it if you possibly can.You will be exhausted next day but its only a day.

Original poster

Besom · 04/08/2009 21:12

pranma - hope you're OK now. Taxi cost is not the issue as airport not that far and we will gladly pay it anyway.

I do appreciate what you are saying, which is why I posted in the first place I suppose, and the root of my guilt. My problem is that I can't imagine how I will physically be able to function if very little or no sleep for 36 hours. Also would be in sole charge of dd for several of these hours - is that even safe?

OP posts:

Jux · 04/08/2009 21:17

Can your dh pick them up? How does he do with little/no sleep?

pranma · 04/08/2009 21:20

I do see your point and if taxi is reasonable then I dont see why they shouldnt get a taxi.I was dx with breast cancer when dgs1 was 2 weeks old and had 6 months chemo/radio.I seem to be fine at the moment thanks.I enjoy coming on mumsnet and am in awe of the way young mothers today manage so many different things whilst so obviously putting their childrens needs first.I do hope your dad has a good response to his treatment and enjoys your brothers visit.Do try to be with dad when you can he must be so afraid.

Doodle2u · 04/08/2009 21:22

What if their plane is delayed - you'll be left hanging around airport for ages etc etc. Talk to your brother. Tell him what your dad said and explain why it's giving you palpatations but offer to book a good taxi and pay for it.

wonderingwondering · 04/08/2009 21:22

I can see why you going to the airport is an inconvenience, and you'd prefer not to.

But I don't think one night of little or no sleep is that big a deal. I do it quite a lot, when one one of the children are up, or DH is working late - I can't sleep until he gets home. And I have a stressful job but the adrenalin keeps me going. So don't over think the impact of one late night!

wonderingwondering · 04/08/2009 21:24

Should have added a - you'd get by, is what I'm trying to say. But if you don't have to... book a taxi

ThingOne · 04/08/2009 21:33

I think maybe your Dad's generation thought that flying was more a big deal, and that you should be collected from the airport as it was so special.

I wouldn't go to collect a well and able-bodied sibling in the middle of the night in a similar situation. And I'm sure they wouldn't expect it.

When I was having chemo and much subsequent nightmaring my much parents managed perfectly well finding their own way from the airport and did not expect my knackered DH to come and get them.

So YANBU at all.

Mspontipine · 04/08/2009 21:34

Any chance you could get following day off?

Silver1 · 04/08/2009 21:43

Some types of Chemo can mess your thinking up a bit, so that maybe why your dad is being a bit funny.
As has been said Chemo is hard, and you do appreciate people trying to make it easier, but perhaps if you approach him in a different phase he might see that you are really doing your best for you your DH and your child as well as him and your brother. TBH if you feel pressured into doing it the stress and resentment will start now and carry on through your brother's stay.
Other family may want to help-but if they can't then that's fine too. Send a cab to meet your brother and sleep.

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