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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Good Mumsnet advice needed

24 replies

PM73 · 03/08/2009 08:06

I posted a thread last week about my inlaws not coming to our ds' birthday party,well brief history for those who cant be bothered to find that post & read it all,

Ds was having his bday party at the weekend,sil 2 dd's were both invited but sil only accepted invitation for 1 of them & after me asking who was coming to the party inlaws told me the youngest dd wasnt going & they would be looking after her.So that meant they wouldnt be going to his party.

Well anyway party was yesterday,& 2 hrs before party started sil rung dh & told him eldest dd wouldnt be coming to the party after all as she was ill.

Fair enough, children do get ill quickly, so we automatically assumed that the gp's would be coming now as they were not needed to sit for sil's other dd.

So our ds had a fantastic party, but no, his gp's never turned up, no phone call to say have a nice party, & a few people asked me where they were.

They have absolutely favoured sils dd's from the moment of finding out sil was preg.Yesterday was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.I have kept quiet for yrs now & i do need to say something to let them about how upset we all where that they couldnt have made the effort for ds.

Sil's eldest dd had her bday party 2 weeks ago & they both went to that.

So what can i say without lowering myself, i was going to say something like 'we were disappointed that you never came to the party'. Is that enough?

I need some advice please, & thankyou for reading.

OP posts:

cazboldy · 03/08/2009 08:13

I feel for you, and it really is so very hard, bu whatever you say won't change them......

You just have to look at it as their loss. They are the ones missing out on your lovely ds.

My dc are lucky to even get a card from my pil, and hey never came o see ds3 when he was born. They saw him for the first time at nearly 6 months old when we happened to bump into them while we were out.

GoldenSnitch · 03/08/2009 08:14

I read your other thread and was so hoping they'd make it to the party for your DS.

No advice on what to say as I can be horribly undiplomatic at times like these but I just wanted you to know that you weren't being Unreasonable.

Hoping someone comes along with something to say soon...

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 03/08/2009 08:17

I would say something to them.

Say it is obvious you favour X but not coming to a child's party is just childish and then leave.

TEJQ · 03/08/2009 08:25

Drop off inviting them to anything and get on with your own lives.

My MIL is not dissimilar and I gave up making overtures years ago. Lots of planned visits cancelled at the last minute etc.

Now if she wants to see ours other than Christmas I wait for her to contact us and ask - she came round on Saturday, last time we saw her was between Christmas and New Year. My kids are much closer to my mum (probably quite common that children are closer to maternal grandparents TBH) but my mum has made more time for them in her life which my MIL has not. Added to the fact my mum has only 4 GC, mine, and MIL has 12. My three bio kids also look like my side of the family too (same colouring and very like me visually) which may also be a factor.

They are self-absorbed, leave them to it.

hercules1 · 03/08/2009 08:30

I wouldnt do anything and as other poster says just wait for them to do all the running in future. for your little ones.

piscesmoon · 03/08/2009 08:32

I wouldn't say anything either-just accept that is how they are and let them get on with it. Do your own thing. If the eventually ask why you aren't inviting them to things you can look surprised and tell them at that point.

Original poster

PM73 · 03/08/2009 08:33

Thanks for your support,i wasnt sure if i was just being too touchy because i can he guilty of that.

I dont want to invite them to any future parties but i am still clinging to the hope that they can treat my ds the same as his cousins & develop a relationship with him.

I wouldnt mind so much but i always have them round here for Christmas lunch as sil used to travel to her boyf family but they have now split up so i guess they will be having their own family do from now on.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 03/08/2009 08:35

This is your InLaws? Then you shouldn't say anything. Your DH, on the other hand, should tell them that they are being unkind and unfair.

And I agree, don't invite them to anything any more.

TEJQ I would have to disagree that the number of grandkids is a factor. My parents are divorced. My mum now has 10 grandkids, all but 3 or whom are not related to her biologically, but are Steps. Every grandkid gets treated exactly the same, even though those grandkids live across the US and here in UK. She visits each family at least once a year etc etc.

My dad, who has 5 grandkids, favours my step-sister's kids 100%, who are his steps. He has made no effort to come here to the UK to see my new son and hasn't seen my brother's kids in California in about 2 years. So it has nothing to do with numbers of kids and everything to do with the grandparents attitude.

PrincessButtercup · 03/08/2009 08:39

What a shame, both for the grandparents and your ds. Do you think they would respond constructively to a democratically worked comment about how disappointed ds was that they didn't make it on his special day?

Could their absence have somthing to do with the fact that perhaps your SIL puts them under more pressure emotionally to help her out than you and your dh do? Sorry, I didn't read your earlier thread but am presuming if she is their daughter, that could easily be the case.

I think it shouild be brought to their attention that both they and your ds are missing out on a potentially very special relationship if they don't consider his feelings. But DO take care about how you (or DH) approach this. You don't want to jeopardise the relationship further.

singalongamumum · 03/08/2009 08:39

I can understand that you feel the need to say something, and you should if it will make you feel better. But I also agree with other posters that you won't change them, in fact it may make it worse as they may then decide to label you 'difficult' DIL and use it as an excuse not to see your DCs.

However, if I was you, I know I would not be able to keep my trap shut so totally with you on the needing to say something front! I reckon the disappointed line is the best one, then see how they react. DS missed you at his party, might be another good one.

And then get on with your thing, ignoring them the best you can and expecting nothing.

londonartemis · 03/08/2009 08:44

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. Bluntly, no one loves your children as much as you do, and you are annoyed the pil did not make an effort.
I have just given up expecting my relatives and ils to think like me, and just get on with loving my children and doing my best for them. It's a lot easier.
All I would say, is that maybe they were still babysitting the second gc if the first gc was taken ill? Had they already promised to take the child out or do something with them and didn't think you might have expected them then to change their plans again?

PrincessButtercup · 03/08/2009 08:44

Tee2072, I agree with what your saying but not sure it is always the DH who should have the conversation. I think it it is very important for a DIL to have open channels of communication with ILs especially where grandchildren are concerned. Sometimes it's difficult to gain a real understanding of IL's motives etc. when everything comes translated through DH. Also DHs can find it more difficult to be honest out of a misguided fear of causing offence to their darling mothers!

Original poster

PM73 · 03/08/2009 08:49

PrincessButtercup - i think you are right when you say sil put emotional pressure on them,i could go on & on but thats boring.

I think i will play it by ear,when they come next i will see if they mention his party & if they do i will say we were disappointed they couldnt be there,but i wont say it in a sarky way,just in a matter of fact way.

Then i wont bother in the future,i am sick of bending over backwards to accomadate them.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

Stigaloid · 03/08/2009 08:49

I agree with the poster saying that it is your DH's responsibilty here. they are his children too and his parents. Why isn't he saying more anyway. He should mention that he finds their favourtism unfair and ultimately they are denying themselves a relationship with their GC.

So sorry that they are behaving this way and hope you had a lovely day with your DS.

cancantcan · 03/08/2009 08:54

I think you (or DP if you dont feel comfortable with it) should say something. I would call them and tell them that DS was upset that they did not come to his party, and asked where they were, and why did they go to XX's party and not to his? I know your DS didnt actually say this, but it will highlight to them just how obvious it is that there is favouritism going on.

Tee2072 · 03/08/2009 08:56

buttercup Perhaps he shouldn't speak to them alone, but he does need to step and speak to them about this, if he hasn't done so.

CyradisTheSeer · 03/08/2009 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 03/08/2009 09:25

The thing is 'saying something' usually makes such a situation worse, not better. People like these ILs won't change their behaviour for the better, they will just label the OP difficult and precious. Better just to accept them for what they are and stop hoping for an improvement ie don't bother nviting them to things in future.

Bathsheba · 03/08/2009 10:13

Whilst I can see that you are upset, your PIL had already said they weren't coming to the party.

When you heard that your neices now weren't coming at all, you assummed that would free up your PIL to come....but there was no communication.

They actually weren't being rude really - they had said they weren't coming, and so didn't come, even when things changed at the last minute - maybe they thought you wouldn't be expecting them. hadn't catered for them etc.

You clearly have a problem with favouritism, BUT I don't think this is the example to pin a big family argument on - if you had been so keen for them to come now they weren't baby sitting, you could have contacted them and let them know they were welcome to come along, rather than assumming they would know to come along, and then being offended they didn't.

By all means, in the future, bring up the favouritism issue but not at the moment - they said they weren't coming and didn't come...

Tee2072 · 03/08/2009 10:18

I don't know about that solidgoldbrass. My brother and I both said something to our father about the fact that he never sees his grandkids, nothing changed, but it didn't make it worse either. And my brother and I felt better.

Silver1 · 08/08/2009 22:12

YANBU but Bearing in mind I am hoping my FIL is holding back because I said something-and you did say you have a history of being touchy, perhaps you said something to them in the past and now they are a bit wary?

funnypeculiar · 08/08/2009 22:21

I didn't read your previous thread, so don't have the history, but sort of agree with Bathsheeba - you assumed they'd come (& I can see why), but it was your assumption.
I think I'd work on the policy of being more direct about what you want - so in this instance, calling them up, and saying "Since SIL doesn't need you to babysit, us and ds would so love it if you could make it to his party..."

LeninGrad · 09/08/2009 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hatesponge · 09/08/2009 11:43

Entirely agree it's their loss. You can't make them have the level of involvement you want, so I think just give up trying to include them.

My ex inlaws hardly ever came to any of my DC's parties, but then again they almost never came to our house either. Hence it was over a year before they realised Ex & I had split up & I'd moved out........

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