to want a bit of support from DH in this shitty awful situation?

[LittleBottle]

I am using an old name for this in case of Rl recognition etc.

Backstory: my DH suffers from severe depression and has done for a long time. We have a (planned) DS who is 2. He was taking antidepressants but recently stopped as he didn't like the 'numbness' they give him.

Up until a few weeks ago I was on the minipill. I stopped to get an IUD fitted, and managed to get pregnant in the two weeks between the last pill and the IUD appointment.

I cancelled the appt, and told DH, who said straight away that he wanted rid, as if we had another baby he would leave. He said that he would rather be dead than have another baby!

I know this is dramatic but it doesn't really leave much room for my feelings, does it? I am frankly terrified as I only ever saw myself with one DC and I love him to bits - really not sure I am capable of caring for another one as well. (issues with my own PND)

I thought I could be rational about it, but as the days pass I am finding it impssible to imagine myself being able to physically go through with a termination. I can make the appointment, fine, but I just can't imagine it happening

Whenever I try to talk to DH about it he tells me how utterly miserable it would make him, and how it is hard enough for him to be responsible for one child, and how - this is the worst bit - if it wasn't for DS he would leave/kill himself.

Frankly I was too shocked to process this comment at the time, but thinking about it this monring had made me SO angry. He is basically telling me that he doesn't give a shit about me, isn't he? My feelings count for nothing - my job is to 'sort it out' and pretend like ti never happened.

I could go on, but this is long enough as it is, Thanks for reading.

God that makes me sound like a wet blanket. I mean I know what depression does to him and I know he needs support to get over it, but how much should I have to give, really.

Expat we had agreed on a vasectomy, but as he is still quite young thought IUD better option for next few years.

Not sure exactly how pg, somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks. Definitely not happy or excited, and to be brutally honest would be a relief if I miscarried. Sorry.

dont let anyone one say what you do with your baby.

by the sounds of it he will not be your life partner anyway.

you will get so much support if you do decide to have this child.

you are all being held to ransom, and he is using his depression as a way to hold you in check. as expat says, he has a responsibility to you all and himself to take steps to be well.

i am really sorry you are going through this

agree with what everyone else has said, you can't let him make this decision for you.

he probably won't always feel like this (esp as your op implies he is sticking around for your ds) but you will have made an irrevocable decision if you go ahead with a termination.

He doesn't just need support, LittleBottle, he needs to take personal responsibility for his own health. NO ONE can do that for him.

He has to do it and he has to want to.

That's the nature of the beast that is depression.

Do NOT have a termination for someone else because I can promis you you will regret it and you will be the one to live with that regret, not him.

I have to go & get DS now but thank you all for your comments - will check back later.

LittleBottle - ADs don't mask real feelings. Don't forget that depression is the abnormal state and ADs allow something much more akin to normal, even if muted (which some people call numb) to surface. I think people are being a little harsh calling your DP selfish and a psychic vampire. When you are suffering from depression part of the symptoms of that illness are to be unable to relate to other people's feelings. This is happening because he is ill. He needs to get well to be able have a rational and genuinely felt input into the discussion. It is, however, unfortunate that you don't get that much time for deciding about terminations, so I think you have to face up to making this decision on your own, whilst trying to make your dp see he needs help again.

Good luck, I feel for you.

Is your 'not happy or excited' due to how you feel personally about a new baby or because of the problems it's created in your relationship? You said n an earlier post that you would definitely keep the baby if your DH was supportive / wanted it.

Expat that is the thing that has me practically beating my head against a wall here. If he was just being an arsehole then I would know what to do, but I know he is mentally ill ATM and I can't help feeling like, as his wife, I have a responsibility to try and help him - but I bloody can't as he won't help himself.

'When you are suffering from depression part of the symptoms of that illness are to be unable to relate to other people's feelings. This is happening because he is ill. He needs to get well to be able have a rational and genuinely felt input into the discussion. '

I've battled depression now for nearly 7 years.

I'm currently on A-Ds plus have to use tranqs every now and again plus have CBT.

I'm ill.

That does not ever and will never exonerate me from having to take responsibility for MY health and well-being because I have a family now.

If I were on my own it'd be different.

If this chap doesn't want to take responsibility and own up to his illness then all the 'support' in the world isn't going to help him.

It is NOT a get out of life free card.

If he won't help himself then there is nothing you can do, tbh.

And you need to start living your life and making decisions based on that premise.

I agree totally with expat.

I go to the GP for things I would never go for if I didn't have children.

Having a termination won't help him, really, it won't.

And he should go for the snip now if he doesn't want any more children.

Expat I do take your point, we crossed posts when i was writing mine. I have also suffered from depression and had to use ADs and CBT. i agree it is the sufferer's responsibility to try to stay well when there is a family involved. Unfortunately it is harder to identify that responsibility when in the grip of a crisis. it is a vicious circle. i do agree it is not LittleBottle's responsibility to look after his health. Just wanted to make the point that the OP shouldn't think these are his real feelings, this is the sick him, not the real him.

This is the sick him who chose to stop his A-Ds cold turkey. And yes, I have done that in the past as well because of side effects.

Had to buck up and go back and adjust the dose.

i lived with terrible PND for years after DS was born. i did everything, everything to get myself well.

NHS GPs, private GPs, private counsellor and CBT, NHS CPNs and crisis mental health team, nHS psych, private psych.. various drugs and therapies etc etc etc

you have to take responsibility and help yourself. no-one can make you better

so i have been through it and come out the other side.but by god, i made sure that my family suffered as little as possible , i went to work until 2 days before hospital admission, life has to go on. you have to make an effort. and if you can;'t, you get the help

We had a bit of a chat last night and I told him a few things that have been mentioned on this thread - that I understand he is depressed but he has a responsibility to us/that my feelings matter a lot more than he might think they do.

Still not reached a decision on pregnancy but we have agreed he is to go away for a few days, on his own, to get some space. He says he doesn't want to go for longer than a few days as he would miss us too much - I took this as a good sign but didn't want to 'push' him IYKWIM.

He also told me he loves me very much but feels 'stuck' in his life sometimes.

Thanks again for all your advice

My DH suffers from episodes of depression from time to time and on occasion he has hurt me a lot by leaning on me in situations where I was the one really needing support. I sometimes feel that he is draining all my strength and since I had our DD I feel myself becoming more hard on him as I don't have the energy.

Usually I am able to support him and then feel angry afterwards at which point he is strong enough for me to be able to say, very gently, that I needed him too.

I know my DH and I know that he loves me and DD and is a genuinely thoughtful and loving person but what is so awful about the depression is that it seems to wipe all this out sometimes and just leave behind a silent shell of a man who drains the life out of our house and is, frankly, a burden as he can't do anything around the house to help and actually generates more work.

Perhaps if you and he think of him as being 'stuck' in his feelings rather than his life it would help a bit. It is easy to feel as if you have done something wrong or that he is upset/ angry with you but really he is just struggling so hard against a maelstrom of feelings he's not aware of how it affecting you. I always feel better after I've told DH that I am feeling crappy too, it always makes him stop and think a bit and brings us a little closer again.