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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that women are expected to put up with a hell of a lot in return for having kids?

23 replies

laumiere · 27/07/2009 21:00

If it's not the Chief Medical Officer saying "the pain of childbirth is good for uswww.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jul/12/pregnancy-pain-natural-birth-yoga" then it's a widespread attitude that we just have to get on with it....

This rant brought to you by me experiencing pain during sex after the birth of DS2 (I had stitches) being told by two doctors to just get over it and that 30-40% of women experience pain.

Now, thanks to MN I know it's not the case, but seriously?? If someone told men they would be unable to have sex after having children without experiencing pain in their penises, there would be a public outcry!

OP posts:

NeverEndingPileOfLaundry · 27/07/2009 21:06

If as the article says, that pain prepares women for the demands of motherhood , one could argue that men should be periodically beaten with sticks or somesuch in the labour room in order to prepare for fatherhood.

Tis a load of crap.

Mumcentreplus · 27/07/2009 21:30

What a load of BOLLOCKS.. how did i know it was a man who said that TRIPE..what the fuck has pain got to do with preparation for motherhood?...I vote we attach electrodes to mens bollocks when we are in labour and they get a shock for each contraction..I have a feeling a recant would be on the cards after that!

Original poster

laumiere · 27/07/2009 22:08

Heh, I vote for neverending's idea . Could be a great alternative to the TENS machine!

laumiere pictures men marching on Parliament to demand improved penis use...

OP posts:

stickylittlefingers · 27/07/2009 22:16

I'm wondering what part of motherhood this pain was meant to be preparing me for. Does he think that the kids will keep popping in and out? What a knobhead.

LynetteScavo · 27/07/2009 22:21

"20% of epidurals are given to women who do not need them"

What a gem.

Any woman who wants an epidural needs one, IMO. I mean you don't have a needle stuck in your spine for a laugh, do you!

Leedsmumof1 · 27/07/2009 22:21

Just to be fair, it's not the Chief Medical Officer who said that; he's a nice bloke and probably has more sense . It's a Dr Walsh who I agree sounds like a complete fool.

Original poster

laumiere · 27/07/2009 22:42

leedsmum In which case I apologise wholeheartedly to the CMO

OP posts:

debs40 · 27/07/2009 23:11

MMmm, cos that was my experience of two births. People thrusting pain relief at you at every turn!

I think everyone I have ever known who has asked for an epidural has been told 'it's too late' or 'it's too early'.

Where are these hospitals providing pain relief on demand? And so what if women don't want to be in pain. I mean, really, what is it to Mr Midwife Walsh?

shergar · 28/07/2009 00:29

That whole thing about women needing pain to bond etc. made me livid. Why are so many people (often male!) so desperate to patronise adult women by giving us the benefit of their stupid ideas about how we must birth babies? When did you last see any debate about what kind of anaesthesia (if any) men should have for prostate surgery?

LMAO @stickylittlefingers though: Brilliant!

babyignoramus · 28/07/2009 08:59

I say we take it further. You'll never concentrate on resting to mend a broken leg if you've taken painkillers. And how will you appreciate your new liver if you're asleep when it goes in?

FFS, this angers me so much. I can't think of a single other instance in life where the necessity of pain relief is even questioned. If it hurts, relieve it! I ain't the dark ages any more.

JuJusDad · 28/07/2009 09:15

You could request to use the old Celtic "sharing of the childbirth experience" method - hold onto DP / DH's (or in this case, Chief Medical Idiot Officer's) penis...

MoontheMightyThreadKiller · 28/07/2009 09:18

How do men bond with their children if they don't go through the pain? I'd like 'Dr' Walsh to answer that one - while I punch him repeatedly in the face.

TheCrackFox · 28/07/2009 09:27

How do women who adopt manage to bond with their babies?

Morloth · 28/07/2009 09:34

As a hypnobirthing fan, I would say that "women need pain to bond" is the biggest steaming pile of shit I have ever heard.

Why do men think they have any idea really what this is about? I mean really? They can guess and they can learn about it, but they can never really know can they?

Women need to be louder about having babies and doing it how THEY want to, whether that is soldiering through the pain, learning techniques to get rid of the pain or having drugs to deal with it. This sort of shit needs to be shouted down.

Confuzzeled · 28/07/2009 09:44

This thread has made me laugh so much.

What a load of pish.

Original poster

laumiere · 28/07/2009 09:56

I think gas and air should be made freely avail able to all, great stuff! I had it for my stitches and spent the whole time giggling and thinking how nice my painted toes looked....

OP posts:

Hollyoaks · 28/07/2009 09:59

Pain is a 'rite of passage' - what a load of bs. I wonder how much all of these 'unneccessary' epidurals are costing the NHS?

I love the comments at the end though, 'my birth plan just said epidural'

marenmj · 28/07/2009 10:01

Agreed, what a load of pish and the responses so far are why I adore MN so much

Tho a statistic like 30-40% of ladies experience sex-pain after childbirth may have eased my mind a bit. DD is 7 months and sex still hurts, albeit less than it did before. My best friend was pg with #2 by the time her DC was 6 months... goes to show all that tripe about no two ladies' births being the same has some truth to it!

artifarti · 28/07/2009 10:10

Utter Tosh

I went into hospital to have DS armed with only a bag full of Rescue Remedy, a Tens machine, an Ipod with some monks chanting and a tankini top for the birthing pool. Two days of labouring a back-to-back baby later, I realised that having a baby can actually properly really bloody hurt. I will never forget the trickle-feeling of my epidural being topped up. Glorious.

For those that labour without pain relief, good on you. But for me, I'd like the option, please. I'd also like the option of pushing a canteloupe melon up this man's bottom. Sans pain relief, obviously...

OhBling · 28/07/2009 10:13

Can I ask - those of you who experience pain during sex after childbirth, do you see anyone about it and what do they say?

it seems so obvious to me - there's pain which is okay for a while, but if it persists, there must be something you can do? Or am I completely naive? My cousin eventually went to see someone who said, "Of course - they've sewn you up too tight. no problem - make an appointment and I'll cut the extra skin away in a few weeks". All sorted.

Hollyoaks · 28/07/2009 10:26

I had pain for over a year in the exact point at which I had my stitches. I saw a consultant and was told it was psychological, at the time I was a bit annoyed but in the last few months most of the pain has gone. I do think it was linked to my birth experience which I had not prepared myself for. However, psychological or physical pain should be addressed properly by medical professionals and not brushed aside.

MrsTittleMouse · 28/07/2009 10:27

According to the lovely gynae that I saw, most women don't ask anyone about pain during sex, as they are too embarrassed. To be honest, I can see why women don't, as I was fobbed off by three GPs and another gynae before I finally saw someone who admitted that it was a genuine problem and not either all in my head or an acceptable part of childbearing.

Not all pain during sex is caused by being sewn up too tight, by the way. Re-sewing is a fairly easy thing to solve, but my problems were due to very painful scarring, and problem scars in the vagina are much more problematic with no certain solutions. I was very lucky that a second vaginal delivery stretched the vaginal scar and eased it. I ended up with horrible thick painful scarring in my perineum but that was sorted out with cortisone injections. I was lucky (again) as most gynaes don't even know that cortisone injections are a viable treatment option!

There is a lot of ignorance and predudice out there in the medical profession. I won't even go into some of the things that I was told about how I had to put up with pain for the rest of my life and that it was an acceptable price to pay for having a child. I was made to feel that I must not love my baby enough if I was selfish enough to consider that the pain was a small price to have her in my arms.

( at popping in and out, by the way)

marenmj · 28/07/2009 10:33

my pain was pain from the stitches for about two months and then pain like repeatedly banging my elbow (not sexy) up until about last month when it has become pain like tightness.

I didn't see anyone for it because I have had a few deep cuts in my life and know what scar tissue around nerves feels like while it heals (like repeatedly banging your funny bone), and based on that I don't need someone poking around in my sensitive bits to tell me that my tear & stitches must have crossed a decent-sized nerve ending. I suspect I won't feel "normal" for about a year.

DH claims he can't tell the difference between pre and post baby. He's very sweet

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