Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p****d of with DH for helping MIL 3 days running ???

33 replies

cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 19:25

My MIL lives just down the road from us, but has never really been interested in seeing much of us or our kids. My DH is one of 3 and really suffers from middle child syndrome.

His mum is all for his elder brother and younger sister and their kids, but has no time for us or ours.........

..........until she wants something !!!!

She called on Saturday to ask DH to go down to help her DP move their TV because they wanted to paint their TV stand before their new TV arrives. Bearing in mind my DH works 6 days a week and had only been home half an hour when she called, he then disappeared to hers for an hour and a half as they then collared him into helping with a few other things.

Anyway, yesterday she called again to see if she could pop down as she wanted to talk to DH about something.

She asked him if he would paint her woodwork for her after work and weekends (her DP is pretty useless !!!). She said she would pay him to do it, but thats not the point, with the hours he works, we don't see a lot of him as it is.
(On top of this, we have 2 DS's, one is 5, the other 10 months and the eldest is Autistic and can be a handful a lot of the time so it's nice to share the responsibility when DH gets home instead of having to deal with it all myself).
As she was leaving, she then asked DH if he could pop back home with her & help her DP put the TV back on the stand. He was then gone another hour and a half !!!

And now, today, she called again at 6pm to ask him if he could pop round again to help them set up their new TV which was delivered today !!!!! So of course, he disappeared again (with me letting him know I was not happy as it is the kids tea & bedtime), and came home over an hour later.

MIL seems to have no regard for me or our family life. It's all about her, yet DH says "how high" when she says "jump" !!

AIBU ???

(sorry this post is sooooo long, rant over now !!! ).

OP posts:
HuffwardlyRouge · 27/07/2009 19:31

YANBU to feel fed up.

I think you need to talk to your dh, and listen to his take on the last few days.

Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 19:33

Thanks Huffwardly.

I don't think I'm in any mood to talk to him about it tonight because it'll probably just end in a row with the way I'm feeling, but I might try when I've calmed down a bit.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 27/07/2009 19:34

I feel your pain and I'm not the middle child does she do this often?

LadyOfWaffle · 27/07/2009 19:38

YAB a tiddly bit U, not unreasonable to be pissed off.... but I don't think he could have said no.

bigchris · 27/07/2009 19:40

i dont see why he cant say no its not convenient right now

moomaa · 27/07/2009 19:43

Well, the TV project is over now so no point getting wound up.

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 27/07/2009 19:48

why can't he say no LOW, he has his own family to deal with

these demands being made are unreasonable, and tbh, if this was my dp we would be nipping it in the bud right now

it is not like his mother is on her own is it?

if her own dp is useless, that is their problem, not his to make himself constantly available

Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 19:50

Mumcentreplus - Yes she will always call expecting him to do things for her there and then. It doesn't happen that often, but when it does it always seems to be a lot of things in one go, yet we don't hear from her any other time. I wouldn't even mind if she said "Why don't u bring the family & we'll do a dinner" or something like that, but she doesn't. We have never been invited for dinner !! I'm just expected to stay at home with the kids while he goes.
Thanks for the tea !!

LadyOfWaffle - That was my point really, that I was asking if it was unreasonable to be pissed off with him, as I feel he could have said sorry, its not a good time, getting kids to bed, haven't had our dinner yet etc.

bigchris - Exactly !! If it was my mum (who does an awful lot for us, incl having the kids, helping out financially etc etc), she would always ask if it was a convenient time, or say is there any chance at some point you could help out, doesn't have to be today. It's the fact that she expects him to drop everything & go running and he does it !!!

Thanks everyone !!

OP posts:
danthe4th · 27/07/2009 19:51

Send the children with him, i'm sure she would love to see them, suggest the next night they go for tea, the night after that send them with a dvd and pj's.Enjoy the peace.

nickschick · 27/07/2009 19:53

The thing is that is his mother she is the one he loved before he loved you and instead of seeing her as a potential enemy and almost as another woman in competition with you and your dhs family ,think of the extended family- perhaps by being the 'better' person you could build a better relationship with your mil instead of seeing her in this almost hostile way.

Btw I have no mother myself and we lost my mil 15 years ago I was far from perfect dil as she was perfect mil but I now know if she were here we would have a far betterand happier relationship with her.

Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 19:54

mooma - Yes the TV project is over now, but the decorating isn't (which she wants him to help with), or the next thing she wants him to do..........!

Anyfucker - Thank you !! That's exactly what I think !!
No, she is not on her own, and you're right, it's their problem that her DP is useless, not ours. We have our own problems to deal with (DS1's ASD and behaviour etc).
I often feel like I am on my own dealing with my sons problems because of the hours my DH works (I also work, but PT from home), so don't mind every now and again if he goes to help his mum but can't see why he can't just pop down there, why spend over an hour each time ?? I think it is unreasonable of her to ask for help 3 days running when she never helps us out with the kids etc. She has never even looked after them !!

OP posts:
lovechoc · 27/07/2009 19:55

You could always speak with your MIL and say that DH is tired out from work and he'll be over in a few days time, or something to that effect.

If you don't say something, then nothing will get done. Men don't think the same way about these issues that women do.

Itsjustafleshwound · 27/07/2009 19:56

YANBU

DH should grow some and get his priorities straight ....

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 27/07/2009 19:59

you are sooo NBU

it will need careful handling with your dp though, as the poor bloke is stuck right in the middle

does he agree she is asking too much ?

lovechoc · 27/07/2009 20:00

LOL @ itsjustafleshwound

Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 20:01

danthe4th - I'd love to send the kids, but he wouldn't take them, and tbh she is not interested in them so it would be pointless. DS2 is 10 months old & she has only ever held him twice (despite having seen him on numerous occasions).
Also, I sometimes feel that because of DS1's Autism, she looks upon him as a "problem child", and our kids don't compare with SIL's !!
My MIL & her DP also smoke very heavily in their house, so it's not a nice environment for our kids to be in.

nickschick - I understand what you're saying, but we have been together 7 years and I really tried up until about 2 years ago to bond with her (we were actually friends before I got together with my DH). I would phone her a lot to see how she was, I even invited them round here for Mothers Day, but they decided at the last minute not to come because they cannot smoke in our house, so went to SIL's instead. She nows about DS1's problems and that we are often stressed but never calls to see how we are, how he's getting on at school or even offering to have 1 of the kids for a short while to give us a break.
Therefore, I don't feel I can do any more.

OP posts:
seeker · 27/07/2009 20:01

Just remember this when you're elderly and would like your ds to help you with something.......

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 27/07/2009 20:01

Make sure you get to the phone first and tell her NO we are busy, keep doing it she will get the hint

Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 20:03

Thanks for all your advice !!

OP posts:
Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 20:04

seeker - The difference is is that I will always be there for my boys, not only call them when I want something !!!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 27/07/2009 20:04

no seeker, I disagree

presumably the OP will meet her own offspring half way and help them out occasionally

just because someone is elderly, it does not give them the right to act selfishly

Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 20:06

And she's not exactly elderly !! She is 64, still works. Her DP is 5 years younger, so they are more than capable of helping themselves.

The point isn't that I begrudge her asking for help, it's that she expects DH to drop everything & go round there when it suits her regardless of the fact that we have 2 kids, one of whom is quite challenging.

If she asked for help but on the basis that it was when it was convenient to us, it wouldn't be a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 20:08

Thanks AnyFucker !!! We're singing from the same Hymn Sheet !!!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 27/07/2009 20:08

sounds just like my own mother....

Original poster
cjones2979 · 27/07/2009 20:10

We have lived where we do for the last 6 years.
She moved in 6 doors away in November last year.
Since then, she has only been to our house 3 times !! (One of which was DS2's Christening, the second was Christmas and the 3rd was yesterday !!!)
She has only ever phoned because she wants something, never just to see how we or the kids are.

OP posts: