Thinking my sister's friend should pay her way???

[bethdivine]

Ok, this isn't exactly about me, but I'd be interested in your thoughts...
My sis's friend split up with her boyfriend a few months ago, so moved out of their place and started lodging through an ad she saw in paper. She didn't feel right where she was, so my sis offered her spare room, whilst she was looking for somewhere else. - At the time, my sis thought she would just be a few weeks, as she was actively looking, and wouldn't take any money off her.
BUT, 3 months on, her friend is still there, not even showing signs of looking for somewhere anymore and not even contributing anything towards bills or even the shopping. - My sis goes grocery shopping once a week and her friend eats the food she buys and even makes her packed lunch out of it. She's treated them to a takeaway a couple of times to say thanks, but that's the extent of it.

Personally, I think in the very least she should be going halves on the grocery bill, as my sis is now fairly out of pocket. - She also asked my sis to put the heater back on in the bathroom and the bedroom she is in (sis has storage heaters) as she gets up early and it was cold. So, AIBU and am stingy to boot? or do you think this girl should pay her way? - and if you think she should, can you think of a good way of my sis bringing it up? - I've suggested she just say outright something like her grocery bill has gone up quite a bit, so would she mind contributing - or would she like to go with my sis to do the shop, so they can both choose the food and pay together. - My sis is wary of bringing it up, as she's just a very kind generous person, she's just come through a significant bout of depression and is doing really well on ADs now, but doesn't want any confrontation and feels embarrassed about the situation - she would have sorted a nominal contribution off her friend at the beginning if she'd known she'd be there this long. She wants to help her out as had a horrible break-up herself a few years ago, but my feeling is that the girl has split up with her boyfriend, not lost her job, so the help she needs is a roof over her head and shoulder to cry on, not free rent and food.

opinions most welcome, TIA.

sorry this is so long and DH wants the computer now, so I won't be able to check-in until the morning but would be very grateful for any thoughts, thanks. (Including telling me to develop a more kind and generous heart )

If this happened to either of my sisters I would not be able to stay quiet; my sisters earn their money fair and square and pay their rents, why should they have to put up with a freeloading friend who is taking advantage of them? I know that it isn't really your place to say anything, but someone has to help your sister stand up to this person and if it means you starting the conversation then thats the way it has to be done, just help your sis do it and get it over with.

btw I'm not the type of person to go pick fights, but this would be one thing that would irritate me and I'd have to do something about it. Only I'm allowed to freeload off of my sisters (not to say that I have, honest!)

Does your sister want her to stay any longer, does she fancy having a roomie? She could say something like how about making this arrangement more formal, don't look for anything and live here, and then discuss finances?

Good God, your sister is massively being taken advantage of. You are NOT being tight. That is a disgrace.

"Come and stay for a few weeks while you find your feet" is one thing - come & sponge off me indefinitely for the price of a couple of takeaways is something else

I think what LBAM says is a good way to go - "as you're still here after all this time I guess you like living here, let's make it permanent & draw up a proper sharing agreement" is a good way to go (if that's what your sis wants???)

I think your sister needs to sit her friend down and ask her how the hunt for somewhere to live is going, then make it clear that she needs her friend to pay something in to the running of the house.

She is having the p**s taken tbh.

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thank you all. I do appreciate you taking the time to reply and will use the suggestion of lets make this more formal - the council tax issue can help with the money talk, as well as the shopping bill having gone up, thanks.

You are all very welcome round mine for a cuppa anytime, no charge of course, thanks.

Your sister's friend should pay. If your sister is too afraid to say anything then go round there and mention it yourself. She is living off of your sister and that is not fair. Either she pays up or leaves at the end of the week. Simple as.

thanks stigaloid, it has crossed my mind to just say how's the house hunting going? - as I'd been asking her at the beginning, just as part of normal conversation, but stopped when it seemed she didn't want to mvoe as felt embarrassed - weird isn't it, how it's never the person who causes the situation that feels the embarrassment! - I told my sis that no matter how embarrassed she feels bringing it up, her friend should feel 10x worse - and if she doesn't, then she's not that much of a friend after all.

sisters friend should def pay

does your sister want to make this more permament?

if so then suggest doing a contract and include money

if your sister wants to get rid of her then mention friend and say friend needs to move out

tbh i am that friend hasnt paid anything

thanks. yes I know, I can't believe she hasn't offered, ok, my sis said at the beginning no need to pay - but she literally thought 3 wks at most. My mum is so cross now about it and keeps going on to me about it - mum is very proud woman, as we never had loads of money growing up and she always insists on paying her way so doesn't understand people who don't.

You'd just offer wouldn't you, or just insist "look here's £30, I'll pay this every week towards the bills" or something.

not contributing to household bills is one thing, you could argue, because they use minimal extra heating, water etc (not that i agree)

but not even paying for their own food!!!

incredibly rude!

needs sorting asap!

your sis could try giving your friend a shelf in the fridge "so we can easily see whos is whos" - see if unwelcome guest takes hint!

Your sisters friend is taking the piss. That's quite a shitty thing to do to your mate, actually, the more I think about it. It's not like the friend doesn't realise either, if she's working, which I assume she is - how can you possibly think never to offer some money towards your keep?

I am cross on your sisters behalf.

I would tell the friend that either she pays or goes and give her a deadline. Its not fair on your sister. Its not right that she pays absolutely nothing. actually i would be quite disgusted if someone treated me this way.

thanks for the extra support on this! Shelf in fridge is a good one too, will suggest that to sis, - that's an easy one to broach too, as friend is veggie, so whilst sis doesn't eat loads of meat, it looks like she's being thoughtful suggesting it.