to be terrified that Social Services will...

[MichKit]

a. take away our little one. b. stop our adoption process.

Long one, sorry. The last few weeks have not been good for us. DH suffers from ME (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome), and I am ocasionally depressive. We are in no way classed as risky parents, and we are both professionals. Both of us are seeking help for our illnesses. We have a little DD (18 months), and while she can be tiring, she is the light of our lives, and we absolutely adore her. We love kids, and I have trouble having another sue to health problems with DD, so last year we started an adoption procedure to adopt from India. The adoption is in its final stages now, and we are due to bring our new DD back with us in October (was supposed to be earlier, but got delayed due to bureaucracy in India).

However, in the last few weeks, something snapped in DH, and he got extremely suicidal. Only the thought of DDs stopped him and we both went to A and E. We got brilliant support there and from the home crisis team, and while DH was sectioned for a day, he saw a psychiatrist who lifted the section almost straight away. He is recovering well now with lots of support from various agencies.

The downside is that because we went to A and E, the psych nurse on duty told us that they had a duty to inform social services, as we had a small child. This has left me terrified that SS will take away my baby, and stop the adoption as well. What should I do, I am sick with worry and stressed out completely. AIBU? Is my fear irrational? The stories I have heard and read about SS are leaving me incredibly stressed. Please help.

be prepared for an assessment

discussion of dh precipitating factors
likliehood of recurrence
what is dh after care with cmht
and being asked is this really best time to proceed with an adoption

i know your immediate gut instinct is that you are ok.can you say hand on heart that DH is?something snapped?has it completly resolved.in the immediate post admission period your dh is still vulnerable to potential stressors.a recognition is needed that he had a crisis

understandably,ss need to ensure a safe stable environment (mental and social)

scottishmummy, I do understand thier point of view. Just that at this point its not much of a consolation... as a family who has never been in trouble with any authorities (not even a library fine), having SS involved in the family is too much to contemplate.

Oh MichKit, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I would agree with others that there is no way they will take your birth child from you over this.

But I can't see them not reviewing implications for the adoption.

You really need good advice. Have you tried the adoption uk helpline?

Hester, no I haven't, and thanks for the suggestion. Hopefully they will able to help.

yes,i appreciate your pain but dh has had a psych crisis that is global and cannot be ignored.

mental health crisis and suicidiality globally impacts mentally and physical.this assessment is also about dh - he too is vulnerable.perhaps this is too painful too bear but a few weeks ago "something snapped"

SS do get pilloried but overall do try do the right thing

this is a very stressful time
coping with DH crisis
fear/anxieties about adoption
stigmna/fear about mental health
fear of SS

oh how awful for you - do you think its the stress of the adoption, what i mean is, the formailities of it all that have worn DH down? I would imagine that it is extremely stressful, its such a big deal and i guess there has been a lot of waiting and not knowing etc.

Mental health problems are nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully (but sadly i have no experience) SS will just offer further support - that is what you need right now. You and DH.

I suffer from depression and anxiety - it doesn't affect my parenting one iota - i am on a very high dose of citalopram, i am having counselling and not once has SS even been mentioned or have i been questioned how i look after DD. I have told my doctor i dont have any problems in that regard and she accepts this.

I wish you all the luck in the world xx

I do know what triggered the episode for DH and it was not the adoption. The trigger was something that happened a while ago, and it haunts him still. He told me that it was only the thought of the DDs that kept him from killing himself.

I just want to thank you for your responses, and it does help to know that no one thinks my DD is going to be taken away. We have to wait for the adoption issue... I am calling more people and the adoption line tomorrow, and we'll see what happens. In a calmer frame of mind today, as DD said 'vuff {love} you mama' for the first time

Good Luck

I'm a SW (haven't worked in adoption though!) but I would hazard a guess that one thing that they would be looking for is that YOU are giving serious consideration to whether you AND DH can cope with this adoption. You trying to 'fill the gap' of DH and shoulder the burden of coping alone, with DD and DH's needs as well as the new child's, is not actually going to be what they would assess as meeting that new child's needs imho.

What I would personally want to see would be that you and DH have jointly really thought about whether this actually is now ok, not just in terms of 'well we've put so much into it so far emotionally' etc. Your wish to adopt and your bond with the child won't be in doubt but those alone will NOT meet her needs

Also I'd want to see a comprehensive network of support for your husband that wasn't there before; I'd want to see that there are checks and balances in place that should stop him ever getting to that place again. (Such as CPN, (who should provide a Care Plan) or counsellor)

Being sectioned even a section 2, IS very serious and no doctors undertake this lightly because it can affect people's future employment, etc. I would want to see that you and DH are accepting just how ill he must have been.

I hope some of that helps. I am by no means an expert on adoption but I do feel some of what I've said will probably be what they're looking for from you.

Call BAAF or Adoption UK for advice. It sounds quite a serious issue, so speak to someone there in confidence.

Personally I think this will impact on your adoption process. The SWs main concern is the safety, security and happiness of the child being adopted, and the assurances (as far as possible) that the placement is secure and will last. Adoption is a major trauma for any child, so SS have to ensure all is well before placing a child in any new family - I believe they would not be doing their job if they did not discuss this recent development with you.

I am sorry things are stressful, and I wish you happiness and the best outcome for all concerned.

I am sorry to say this but you have asked for opinions.
I think neither of you are in no state to be contemplating this adoption at the moment.
You need to be living within your energy levels .The addition of another child to the mix is going to increase the physical and emotional demands on both of you immensely.

I'm sorry I really have no idea of this kind of thing and no experience with SS. Must be very hard on you, both the worry about dh and the worry about whether the adoption will go through.

Good luck

With resepct Michkit, I would really be expecting you to recognise that adoption at this point in time is not right for your family. I'm afraid at the moment your main concerns seem to be how you will feel if you 'don't get' this little girl. Adoption is not about meeting your needs for a child its about meeting a child's need for a secure, stable, emotionally robust family. I really don't see that you can in any way provide this at this point in time.

I'm slightly stunned that with a DD of 18 months you are being permitted to adopt with such a young birth child (can I ask if you are not in the UK? The process you are going through doesn't sound like the UK as I can't see this being allowed in the UK) AND that the child is older than your BC (always a big alarm ringer - altering family order often brings significant problems later)

I honestly think your exisiting child, your DH and you come first. If things are rocky now and hard to manage, throw an attachment-damaged three year old into the equation and multiply your difficulties by 10. Have you any idea of the difference in parenting a child with damaged/broken attachments? It is NOTHING like parenting a child who has been born to you - its a massively challenging job.

You sound like you have enough on your plate at the moment, and need to take a step back for a year or two until your family life is more stable, and your DH managing his condition. Whether you see adoption as something you are more involved in, DH will be father, and an equal parent in law and in the child's expectations - you ARE a package as a couple and at the moment one part of that package seems not to be well enough to proceed. For the sake of all of your family I would call a halt now, and reassess things in a years time.

PS Yes, I am an adopter, and also have 10 years experience as a foster carer.

Hadn't picked up the age thing - totally agree with TEJQ. It is usual in UK to be approved to adopt a child younger than your birth child.

TEJQ, just to clarify, we were offered the child in India (through a convent orphanage, recognised by the Govt. etc), we went through the process of being vetted by the DFES here, and they cleared us for adoption. The rules in India state that the child has to be two years up or down... i.e adopted child will be two years older or two years younger.

And DD will be very close to two, this was treated flexibly (we still have to wait for court approval, hoping it will happen soon, but will have to take the current circumstances into account) We also didn't have a choice of what age child we would be offered (we asked for between 2 - 6, as I can speak all the local languages, and I still have an Indian passport, this was deemed to be good for helping child adjust), and unless there were huge issues, we were not supposed to be offered more than one child. We were offered the little girl who is around 3 (no birth reg so the orphanage is guessing the age), and as we all fell in love with her, we didn't ask for anyone else. We started the process quite early on, as I didn't want the DC to be too far apart in age. Hope this clarifies the situation.

What happens now is in the hands of SS and adoption authorities in India. Just praying for a happy ending.

But Michkit, usually with adoption the bigger the age gap the better. How will yout feel if your adopted daughter is seriously unkind to your BD? If she hits, kicks, bites, pinches, victimises her and generally makes her life a misery? These are all common behaviours in adopted children towards other children. Falling in love with a child is lovely, but they often come with some very un-lovely behaviours because of their early life experiences and one of the best protections is having a child YOUNGER than the children already in the family, by at least 2 years and usually 3-4 years.

I'm worried you really don't understand what you are getting yourself into and are rushing unneccessarily.

My understanding is that you would have to be reassessed by Social Services once the child was living with you in order to proceed with adopting her under UK law.

You might slip through the net at this point if you have been approved to adopt by both Social Services and the Indian courts. However, this will all resurface during the legal process necessary to adopt the child under UK law, when you will be reassessed by Social Services. It's at that point that you'll be in danger of having the child taken off you - when she may well have been living with you for six months or more.

And how much worse would that be?