...and selfish to want to use my frozen embryos at age 42?

[raffyandted]

Ok,I know that this is a biggie (potentialy life changing and all that)and ultimately only me and DH can make the decision. But feel i need some opinions from completely impartial people who don't know me & therefore can't let their own emotions/opinions of me get in the way.

Basically, we had DS (nearly four)by IVF. We were incredibly lucky that it worked first time. We also had 5 embryos that were good enough quality to be frozen, these are kept by the hospital for 5 years max. The hospital have started writing to us, asking us what we wish to do with them i.e "let them perish" or use them to try for another child.
At the time became pregnant with DS, i never thought any further than whether or not the IVF would work, never mind whether I'd want any more. But I find that lately i can't stop thinking about the embryos, and hating the idea of them 'perishing' and hating that DS will be an only child & that i'll never have another child of my own to love as much as I do him.
If I put my feelings aside, there are LOADS of reasons why having another baby might be a mistake:
My age (42...i feel it!)
I had terrible PND after DS & still take anti-depressants..it may happen again.
Money...would have to get a loan just to afford the treatment.
Lack of space...another child would mean a bigger house eventually & we can't afford to move.
DH says he he doesn't think we would last through another three years like we had first time (I was terrible with the PND, took an overdose when DS was about 6 months)
and didn't really become vaguely 'normal' till about a year ago.

If all these obsacles weren't there, both DH & I would love another child. Problem is despite all the obstacles, I can't bear the thought of giving up my only chance for another child, whereas DH can. And I secretly resent him for it, even though I know he is being sensible & trying to do what's best for the three of us.

The only time I tried to talk to my sister & my mum about how I feel, they looked at me as if I was mad to even contemplate another child. I know I am probably being selfish, but part of me wants to say 'sod it!' to all the practical things & just do it. Life is precious & if it worked we'd have the miracle of another child & a sibling for DS.

Sorry this is such a long post. I would really like to know what you think.

Thaliablogs, thanks for telling me about dooce.com. Have never heard of her before, but juat read her FAQ and she's great!

Soe very useful info on what it's like to live with someone with depression which I think I might ask DH to read. It might help him.

I had dd via IVF at 43. We had 2 more frozen blasts which I had transferred at 44. I do know how you feel about the frozen embryos. We did actually want another child - but also I don't think I could have just let them perish. Of course some people have twins and then have loads left frozen and there is a limit for everyone.

Throughout my pg I was monitored as a psych outpatient at high risk for post-partum psychosis. Fortunately that did not develop and I was.... no worse than usual! Knowing the risks you should have a frank discussion with your psych (not just a gp) about putting a plan in place to deal with the possibility of pnd - and see whether you (and your dh) think such a plan would sufficiently improve your situation.

The chances are pretty high that a frozen cycle would fail - and that would be closure. But of course there is the smaller chance that it would work and you cetainly do need to plan for that.

But more important than your attachement to the embros is whether or not you really would like another child. We really did and I even did another IVF (at that age really equivalent to burnng your money on the lawn).

I just wanted to comment about the age difference. My DD is 7.6 and DS is 2.7. They play together beautifully (most of the time). Every morning DS says how he has missed his sister overnight and he sometimes cries when she goes to school. They are extremely close and we do manage to find activities that they can play together. I expect I am lucky that this is the case, but just wanted to mention that a 5 year age gap can be positive.

I am having DS2 in 5 days, and I'm shitting myself about the 2.7 year age gap- I would do 5 years again by choice.

Good luck with whaterver you decide to do x

I suppose if you remember how bad the post natal depression was, i probably wouldnt be having another child. You have endured so much to now go back and have it possibly happen all again. May i ask are you on anti-depressents how?
Yoie.

*Antidepressents now?
Yowey.

By the way, i am 46 and presently going through peri-menopause and finding it very tough. I have just seen a naturopath today and i am working through it.
It is amazing what us women deal with.

dont think you are being selfish,i am your age have had ivf in past marriage,this failed the ivf and marriage ,i then adopted,years on i remarried and at almost forty had two beautiful babies all natural in fact a shock really.i sort of have covered all bases even had termination over a year ago,the classic condom accident.this was very sad for us but we knew we made the right decision,my husband had the snip so we didnt have to go though it again,but you know i still have desire in me to be a parent again and think i alays will,my health is a bit dodgy at the moment and do worry about longterm for my children and me being older.i think really you need to be sure 100%.... good luck though

Yes, Citalopram still on them, but lower dose. I did have a bout of clinical depression once before,5 years before I was pregnant ( which was mainly a reaction to incredible stress from certain circumstances that I don't really want to go into here as it is over with and in the past)

So i think I'm susceptible to it...hence the longer duration of medication. sGP has said these are safe to take during pregnancy though.

Thats good,
is there any menopausal women out there?

Completely off topic but I notice I keep making stupid spelling mistakes...is there any way to edit the post after it's posted?

Don't think you can edit post once it's up, but you can 'preview message' before posting it and read through it as it would appear on screen.

I'm so glad to hear you're in therapy already, that is great news. It does sound like you and your husband could use a helping hand from someone impartial to help you discuss these issues. It's so important to feel that you're making this decision positively, as a couple. I'm sure that would help you feel more protected about any potential mental health issues that may or may not ensue.

You sound like a very brave, thoughtful and kind woman. I'm sure you are a great mum, and would be a great mum to any future babies you have. Your husband sounds like a strong man too - I hope you can build on the strengths of your relationship. Good luck with it all.

i think you will be watched very closely for PND this time round.I had PND with my first but nothing at all with the next 3.So definitely not a 'given' you will suffer again.
42 is definitely not too old .have a cousin who had her first child at 42 and has just had twins (all natural) at 44.
Money and space are always an issue but you will find a way.
If you want a child go for it, but if you just think you 'ought' then don't

I dont feel qualified to comment on IVF or PND.

I am 42 and ttc so I obviously think that part is ok

About adoption avoiding PND... You cannot get PND after adoption but you certainly can get the adoption equivalent so that is something for people to be aware of.

Also adopting a child is very different from having a birth child and the adopted child would have to be quite a bit younger than any child already in the family. And of course, babies are v.scarce in the system.

Good luck with your decision. It sounds a difficult one. I hope you can work it out.

Would it be possible to donate them internationally? I can't believe that there isn't somebody in a country somewhere who wouldn't snap them up.

Hi raffyndted
I know Im late coming to this but I saw it this morning and your story is similar to my own so I had to respond ..
I'm 37 with two children who were conceived after fertility treatment - I had severe pnd and was hospitaised after my first and was absolutely terrfied to fall pg again.. I had counselling for a short while and eventually was brave enough to try again b/c I didnt want ds to be an only child - I went on a low dose of Effexor throughout the pg and I breastfed too.. My dd arrived early - I had a planned cs as my delivery was horrendous with ds and my consultant wanted me to be prepared for everything this time to completely limit the chances of me getting pnd again..I had an element of pts too. (ds almost died at birth)

Anyway, the experience with my dd was wonderful, I had true " baby blues" - ie I would weep at the odd advert for a couple of weeks but otherwise I was blissfully in love with my daughter and in heaven ..No depression.
I too,after my first child used to call my poor husband home from work so often we worried he would lose his job .. he'd find me in a ball on the kitchen floor ..
With my daughter - completely different - I LOVED it !
Every day was a joy..

I am now 37 and my youngest is 9 - we are about to try for another baby (!) We cant afford it / my history of depression makes it crazy / I have a boy and a girl / my general health isnt brilliant .. Hubby has been very scared...Its taken a long time to convince him and we have had many many rows..
After a year of discussion we have decided together that we can do this - I am desperate to have another child - sometimes the yearning for a baby, another child is just so strong that it doesnt make sense but if you and your dh have a strong marriage and he loves you - then you will work this out - get some counselling, get a psychiatrist you trust and believe that you can do it.
By the way, we had no family support either time - and I mean none. I was on my own.
You will have SO much more confidence this time having survived pnd and motherhood once - your dh is terrified that the pnd will come back - he needs to see that you are taking all the steps to prevent it..

I understand where you are at so very well - I hope you come to the right decision for you - and I hope things work out well.. (hug)

www.pni.org.uk - these guys were invaluable to me - I dont think I would have coped without my contact with a volunteer from here who called me every week for months for a chat .. She had recovered from pnd herself a year earlier and was my light at the end of the tunnel...

My friend had her 2nd at 43. YANBU I would go for it.

Personally I'd quit whilst I'm ahead. I'm 40 and have two kids (concieved swiftly and with ease) with the first one born when I was 2 wks shy of my 40th birthday.
There's 19 months between them and it's a hard slog.
I had my 2nd for my first daughter and TBH i sometimes wish I'd stuck at one.
Much as i love both my daughters, two is sooo much harder work than one.
Enjoy the one you've got is my advice.

sorry, meant 2nd one born just before my 40th...1st was born when I was 38.
Unless you really, really want another for yourself don't bother...only kids have great lives.

Hello again, I just wanted to say a big Thank You to all of you who have replied for giving me your very honest opinions...it has really, really helped me to sort out things in my own mind and given me a different perpective on things. I've appreciated everones views, whether they have been 'for' or 'against'

Thanks especially to duritztfan for sharing your story as your situation was so similar to mine, both in circumstances and in your feelings about wanting another child. I'm so glad that for you it turned out to be the right choice.

I too would be having an elective C-section if I ever did have another, since lots of things went wrong with DS birth & I had to have an emergency section plus a 7-day stay in hospital with both DS & I on IV antibiotics. So that part of things I would be much more prepared for, at least!

Have seen my therapist today & had a good talk to her about it, also DH & I are talking more rationally & less emotionally about what we should do, so I'm a bit more confident that we'll reach (and stick to) a decision soon.