for wanting to throttle ds1 for saying "mummy you're so fat"

[mslucy]

I am a 10/12 in clothes and considering I am nearly 39 and gave birth 5 months ago I am not in that bad nick.

Not according to my four year old.

I'm afraid I completely lost it with him - this was the icing on the cake of me trying to remove him from a friend's house this evening.

I was greated with "go away" and "I don't like you" and then this choice insult.

I guess I'm really hurt because I thought little boys were supposed to love their mums and I have so much anger and hostility from DS1. I think it started when I was pregnant last summer and every time I think he is OK with me it just gets worse.

Complete strangers think he is wonderful - he's at a playcentre for 3 days a week as I work from home and have a baby to look after and all the staff were singing his praises.

His dad is besotted with him and all the hard stuff - telling him off, making him eat healthy food, saying to to sweets etc ends up being my job.

I guess the heart of it is that he feels he really doesn't like me and prefers my husband.

If I'm honest I much prefer his little brother, who is divine (even when he is screaming his head off).

My relationship with DS1 reminds me of that with my own mother and this is another cause for sadness.

DH is out at some work thing and I feel like shit. I have loads of stuff to do but just feel like crying.

How can I sort this out?

mumtocharlieandlola

I'd say I was in a reasonably good frame of mind - but not enough sleep and not enough hours in the day.

I can't recall ever saying I was fat in front of him - but I may well have done. I am not overweight, but loathe what 2 pregnancies (C sections and big babies) have done to my stomach.

I think one of my problems is that I never really saw ds1 as a baby. I went back to work when he was tiny and think one of my coping mechanisms was to convince myself he was much older and more grown up than he was/is. He is only just 4 and doesn't start reception until Jan, although he hangs out with a lot of older kids and hates to be seem as a baby.

I quit my full time job when he was 2 and a half and now work from home - not quite the walk in the park I'd imagined but better than being stuck in an office. I am loving having a baby again, esp as ds2 took ages to conceive (with some assistance) and I'd forgotten how lovely babies are.

I think I am particularly enjoying ds2 as I've had more time with him already - he sits on my lap when I work etc etc.

DS1 was short changed and I have always felt guilty about it.

MsLucy, if it helps, I could have written a post very similar to yours last year.

I have 2 DSs, DS1 is starting school in Sept and DS2 is 1. DS2 is bf and until he was weaned, used to bf all the time.

DS1 has always been a difficult child - very bright, very funny but with a dreadful temper and incredibly strong willed and 'naughty'. I used to sit and contemplate ringing Social Services to ask them to take him away because I honestly felt at the time I couldnt cope. At times, I really disliked him and it didnt help that DS2 - like yours - is a sunny natured little angel.

But, you know what, things have got a lot better as DS2 has got older and less dependent on me. I second others suggestions to have some one on one time with your DS1 - for me, I take my son swimming a few times a week just me and him and he really enjoys it.

You need to reclaim your relationship with your son - I agree with others that you sound exceptionally negative about your son although I do sympathise because they can wear you down. Do you show him much physical affection because that helps. It sounds a bit like you just take him to places that require little or no input from you - friends houses, soft play etc.

How about taking him for a walk instead - put the baby in the pram/sling and have a real conversation with him while you're walking along. My DS1 and I walk to Sainsbury's at least once a week - it's about a mile and a half - we walk through a cemetary on the way there and look at the graves (sad, I know), have a drink and a cake in Sainsburys cafe and then walk home a different way via the swings. We talk so much on these trips and I actually feel I spend real quality time with him as opposed to soft play where he's off playing and I dont see him for an hour.

It will get easier in a few months time once your DS2 is weaned and isnt wanting to bf all the time. You might also want to consider asking for professional help - try Surestart or your HV. I'm not saying that I have this perfect relationship with my DS1 and that he's a transformed child - he threw a tantrum when we had to leave the park earlier today but the horrible thoughts that I used to have about DS1 have all but gone now and our relationship is generally good now as opposed to him tantruming and me shouting all the time.

Sorry for long post, wanted to let you know what worked for me as I have been in your shoes - it

Tryharder that is all good advice.
Thank you.
you are spot on about me taking him places where I can just let him get on with it.

Going for walks is lovely. We walked to the playcentre today and he was great - we chatted about lots of things.

I was so horrible to him this evening I am ashamed of myself. At least I didn't smack him or anything but I really was vile.

The physical affection thing is interesting. I've been trying to make myself cuddle him more - hard when you're holding a baby all the time. I think the rot set in when I was pregnant and couldn't pick him up - I've sort of got out of the habit of cuddling him.

I understand how your feeling. I felt similar about my DS1 for a time. He doesn't dislike you, he's just frightened and hurt because he's picking up on your negative feelings towards him. Maybe you should write down your feelings about him and perhaps why you feel that way. I did this and it really helped me get some perspective on my thinking and emotions and helped me see where I was being reasonable/unreasonable with my perceptions of my son. My DS and I have very different personalities and I sometimes struggle to understand/deal with him but it was fundemental to me to realise that this was my problem although it was not my fault and most importantly, nor is it his.

Only you can turn this around. He is 4, he does not have the capacity or emotional maturity to work on your relationship but you can. You don't feel this way because your a bad mother, something has led you to this place in your relationship and I would greatly intreat you to try and work out what (could your relationship with your mother be 'haunting' you? Did you feel unliked my your mum?). We don't create our children in our 'own image' and sometimes this means that it is hard to find a good or easy 'fit' with them but it can be improved and your relationship is not set in stone.

How often do you tell him you love him, tell him how wonderful/gorgeous/clever he is etc. When I was feeling this way, one of the things I started to do was spend 10 mins having a cuddle at bedtime and just saying really poitive things to DS. I can tell you, at first it felt so alien and as if I was making it up but the change in his behaviour towards me was almost immediate (and now he is so sweet and always telling me how pretty/lovely/clever I am.....that said he is also 4 and also prone to the poo poo head, fat bum comments when aggreived-try not to take them personally, it's part and parcel of being 4). Try and get your DH to take on more of the parenting/discipline role if you can, so you get a break from feeling like the bad guy but also try and not feel bad about telling off etc - these things are an imperative part of being a good parent and they are not the things that our children resent us for (well not long term anyway).

I still have to 'work' harder on my relationship with my DS1 than I do with my DS2 and I do somethimes feel guilty about this but I just try to keep in mind that as long as my son knows that I love him, like him and accept him, it dosn't matter about the extra effort. Hope some of this helps. X

thank you all for being so kind and offering so much excellent advice.

I really appreciate it and it makes me feel much better.

Hurray for mn!

He is 4 years old and probably a bit jealous of his baby brother. All small children behave and say stuff like that sometimes. It does not mean he doesn't like you. Would it be possible to spend sometime on you awn with him,without his brother.

Awww hugs I could have written that post myself (although DC2 not born yet). I love my DS but he is always so mean to me and lvoes Dh much more. I too worry that i am repeating the standoffish relationship that i felt i had with my mother. I always prefered my father and now i wonder if karma has come to haunt me on that front. I am always the one pushed away, he always says 'no' when i ask for a kiss, when we were on holiday recently we all left the room to go for lunch. He said 'mummy come here' took my hand 9to which i thought 'awww) and then walked me back to the room and said 'stay here mummy' and walked off! (He is 2). I find it hard to feel so rejected on a daily basis but i do also know that when DH isn't around he does love me. He thinks DH is the best because he can rough play with him more (i am pregnant and exhausted) but I am always the one who organises the days out and events. he just doesn't know it yet i guess.

I am reading this thread with interest because it has such similarties to my life. I can't offer advice, just let you know you are not alone. x

I can however apologise for appalling spelling!