to want to leave my husband…

[parkj83]

because I?ve found out that he?s been stealing?

In a nutshell, about 6 months ago, we set up an online savers a/c to save some money to clear our debts. 6 weeks ago, I logged into our a/c, cos DH was away, and instead of 4 months worth of £300, I found £24.50.

Granted, it had been DS?s birthday the month before, and I knew he took some money out for that, and a little for while he was away, but I still expected over £1k to be in there. Also, I found out the account was set up so only he could withdraw funds as well.

I flipped out, demanded that he shut the a/c down, and cancelled the DD for the monthly transfer (I paid the money in, cos I earn more).

We discussed it, I took over the money organising sitch, and we left it at that. We each pay bills for the house, we do not have a joint account anymore.

I was away this weekend just gone. He went out in my car to get DS from my parents, and he ragged my car so I had no fuel left in my car. Not ideal, considering I?m scraping the barrel to get by this month, thanks to an unexpected vet bill.

And then, to top it off, he didn?t take DS to church on Sunday, because he ?didn?t have any fuel either?. My parents were not happy, as he could quite have easily phoned them for a lift. This is off the tangent slightly, but my faith and my DS?s faith mean a lot to me. I was quite cross that DS didn?t go.

When I got back from my weekend, I ?caught? him essentially stealing money from a collection entrusted to him to buy a colleague a birthday present. He bluffed his way out saying he didn?t need to get it till next week and that as we got paid in the meantime, he?ll make it up. He said he needed it for fuel, and for DS?s lunch. Why didn?t he take DS to church then? And there was bread in the fridge, ham in the cupboard, and a pack of apples costs 50p. Yet, the week before, he?d managed to scrape enough together to buy himself a McDonalds. Hardly the crime of the century, but still?

Fuel? Mcdonalds? Fuel? Mcdonalds. Really, there?s no choice.

I know this is just a small thing, but in the past, there has been other lump sums of money go missing. We lived with my parents for nearly a year, and I know now that he never paid any rent to them. We had a joint a/c then, and he was totally in charge of the money ? I had to ask for £5 a week for the bus.

I?m sick of him trying to be in control, and pinching money from where he shouldn?t.

We?ve been together for over 7 years, living together for just under, and DS is 6. We?ve been married for 5 years. Ever since we?ve lived together he took over my accounts. I let him to begin with as I was useless with money. But after I ended up with about £2k?s worth of bank charges (in total) having been applied over a matter of a year with him in charge, I changed banks, stopped giving him access, and tried again. Then I ended up with depression, stupidly let my salary be paid into a joint, lost control again, and last year (yes, last year) have only just gotten control back again.

I want to break it all off with him, and start afresh.

AIBU?!

One question - are you the person who 'usually forgets about things'?

Why is it your dh decision what to spend the rebate on? After what he has done over the past few years, I would need to see proof of where the money has come from, and not just take his word for it.
I think he does gamble or something, cos hes very furtive with money, and what hes doing with it.
He is also controlling as others have said.
With respect, it is your decision to leave your dh. Only you can know what it is like to live with your dh, your feelings for him and if this is enough to sustain a marriage. Your father does not have to live and spend his life with your dh. You are agrown woman, and do not need your parents approval or anyone elses, to make this huge decision.Your father is a priest, and probably does not agrre with divorce, and you say last time, he and your dh persuaded you to stay. You must think only of your happiness and the welfare of your ds-if you are happy and secure, he will be. Talk to a counsellor, or a marriage guidance person-you can see them by yourself if your dh will not go with you.
Do not give up the control you have got back, and do what you want to do. Good Luck.

As per previous posters, your first port of call should be Women's Aid to talk over your options.

You're certainly suffering from financial abuse, and from what you say: "I mean, yeah, he's a good dad, and fairly easy-going if you don't cross him but if you do, he's got such a short fuse, and gets very verbally agressive. I'm scared this time round, as I'm worried he'll cross the line to be physically agressive. " it would seem that there are other strong indicators of abuse and potential violence.

Worst case scenario re: housing. You go into accommodation provided by Women's Aid as you are fleeing violence. This puts you at the top of the list with the council as your are homeless.

My local WA has various properties (ie, actual houses) throughout the county. So it's not a done deal that you will necessarily end up in either a b&b or hostel.

The WA rent from the council, and their tenants then move on to properties within the council / housing association as and when suitable properties become available.

HTH.

Hi all,

I brought everything out into the open last night.

I gave him an ultimatum: work with me, or we're finished - I gained advice from several quarters before I even decided to talk with him, and especially, from the church.

My spiritual leader gave me the advice to work on it from the marriage side, not the finance side, and to not throw blame around.

I've done this, but he's still ended up turning it into a grande slanging match: to quote "I'm sick of you threatening me". "Every time things get a little difficult, you threaten to leave me".

I flat out refused to rise to it, all I said was "look in the mirror and think of all the worry you've caused me over the years"

What should I do next?! I can't kick him out. Sure, he's "domestically abusing me", but he thinks it's his right. I don't want to leave the house, otherwise I have no claim to it.

Have you talked to WA yet? Of course he thinks it's his right - abusers do...

No, I haven't. I think I'll try them at lunch.

oh I feel so sick, and tired of it all. He just won't see past the end of his nose.

He doesn't want to see because he knows full well that that will be the end of his meal-ticket. He knows he is controlling you financially. Why would he admit it when it would mean things will change?

Contact Women's Aid and get IMPARTIAL advice.

Your church and "spiritual advisor" seem to have an agenda of you staying in your marriage at all costs.

What denomination (is that the right term)is it?

Do you agree with their view?

He does sound awful
Good luck xx

Why do you think you will have no claim on the house if you move out? That is not correct, the house is marital property and you are both entitled to a share of it.
Go to a solicitor and get proper legal advice, the first half hour is free.

Why are your church/spiritual leader so set on you staying in an abusive and unhappy marriage?
Ultimately it is your choice as to whether or not you stay, your spiritual leader should be supporting you in your choice, not making it for you.

Your DH is not behaving in a moral, spiritual or loving way. Therefore, your church and "spiritual advisor" need to recognise that you have worked at the marriage but your hard work has not been respected or reciprocated. You cannot force your husband to be fair or honest. Therefore, your duty is to your moral, spiritual and physical wellbeing and that of your DS.
It is your decision whether or not you should stay with your DH. I get a very clear impression from your posts that quite reasonably you do not trust him because he is behaving in an abusive and controlling manner.
As you have done by posting here please speak to WA as they have no agenda on the "sanctity of marriage" and will assess your situation on the basis of the very real abuse and fear you are experiencing.

Best wishes

cheers guys,

on the whole, yes, my church are very pro marriage, but they do understand my situation, in that they encouraged me to try to work it out with him (which I did last night), and therefore if it's not successful, I know I have tried to keep it together, and (sounds daft, or old-fashioned, maybe) it won't be held against me/I will still be supported within the church/won't be shunned (delete as applicable). As a rule, they don't judge, but they like to try to promote unity of marriage, and to encourage their couples to stay together and work things out. Hence why I try to follow the advice given to me by them.

TBH, like I said, if it wasn't for the whole money thing, I could probably happily stay with him. But the way he's now manipulating the situation, I'm starting to object, and that's what he obviously doesn't like.

idrank, I was given that advice by my local CAB, but TBH, the way he's behaving, and his attitude this morning, after he'd had time to process, I want to drop everything and run.

Unfortunately if you 'drop everything and run' you are cutting off your nose to spite your face really. You are entitled to a roof over your head and that of your DCs. Don't do anything hasty.

It sounds like you have given it your all. It is very hard to stay married to someone who you cannot trust. Either financially or emotionally or physically. And it sounds like for you the trust that he will put your interests, your children's interests and that of your family unit, first is gone. That is very hard to come back from and it sounds like you have tried really hard.

I've phoned my local WA, but all I got was the answer machine. (I left a message)

I won't go anywhere unless I know I've got somewhere to go, if that makes sense?

I've investigated houses for rent close by, because of DS's school. Admittedly, we're into the summer hols as of Monday, so it's not so imperative, but I want to know that come September, whether we're together or not, he's still in the same school.

I really feel for you.

If what you want is to split from him, you don't need your church or parent's permission. You are not 'their' couple. You are an independent adult woman and you don't have to justify your decision to anyone least of all the people who are meant to love you unconditionally. I totally understand you wanting guidance and support - but they sound as though they have an agenda of their own. Bottom line - do you think God wants you scared and miserable but still married? Of course not.

You sound strong and level headed (even if you don't feel like that) - well done on what you have done so far.

I don't have any experience of all this, but it seems wrong if you can't get him to move out. Staying in your current home has got to be better for your DC. If you think your husband will be violent/get scary can you get a friend to be present/ back you up when you ask him to leave?

Have you talked to your Dad again now? Have you told him that you're physically frightened now?

Stay strong - you will get out of this

xx

I can understand why you might feel it is important to have made a real effort to work it out as a couple, however, the key words are as a couple. If your DH simply gets more abusive and unreasonable when you raise the issues with him then he does not want to save your marriage he only wants to save the comfortable and selfish world he has created for himself. It is your DH who is not respecting his marriage vows as he is not treating you with love and respect.

Take care

Ok, I sat down with DH last night, and he's actually showed me where the money has gone. Stupid stag do he went on. He said he took it because he couldn't afford to pay for it by himself. I said, why did you go then? You shouldn't have gone if you couldn't afford it. He agreed, and we left it at that.

I was out by a month's worth too, with regards to the savings, (I thought we kicked it off in Feb, we didn't till March), so there wasn't as much missing as I thought.

Anyway, he showed me his statements, and he's accounted for all of it bar about £50.

When he explained where it had gone, I stressed that I wasn't happy that I hadn't been told where it was going.

To prove the point, I went through my last statement (which I did last month anyway, as we did try to do this last month, but I was the only one delivering) and everything my money goes on, we had discussed before I even spent it, and he agreed with (even said, it's your money you do what you want with it), and didn't nitpick about.

He's confirmed that we're going to have to work together to sort this out - I've spelt it out to him that I've reached the end of my tether, that this is the one familial subject that upsets me to this level.

He said he did some research, and has looked into marriage counselling if things get rocky again. I think the point has finally hit home, that actually, yes, he could lose me over this.

Something I said to him, "if it weren't for the finances, I'd be on cloud 9", struck him particularly, as I do feel that when we don't think about money, and just be a family, we get on great. but as soon as the M subject is brought up, it gets nasty. That's when I get physically frightened. I emphasised that, when he asked why I didn't talk to him about this, that and the other.

We closed off, agreeing an action plan, but it's one that needs both our cooperation, and should he fail to stick to it, he's out.

I've also rammed the point home that I wasn't happy about him sneaking through my phone, giving me stick for having male friends (more often than not, they were family & colleagues). I've said that's got to stop too. It's linked as one of my conditions. Again, he has agreed to stop.

As far as the church is concerned, I love my church very much, and I love the fact that I have a faith.

I was brought up to respect the marital vows; my parents are still married after 30 years, and I am aware that that is something of a rarity these days! But because of this, I rely on my parents a lot for advice in scenarios like this. There is another member in the church, who married DH and I, and he is a key advisor too. But he is a lot more open-minded than my Dad! He has said that if we can't get it to work, then yes, the best thing is for us to separate. It was his advice I followed on Wednesday evening, and his advice I've tried to keep applied to this situation since. Hopefully, it will be inspiration enough to see us through. Dad basically said work it through if you can, but he'll support me whatever my decision. He's offered to take one of my bills off me, to help. I can see DH and I 30 years from now, but only if we're open and honest with each other about everything.

On another note though, at the end of the day, I do have DS's happiness first (after godliness, and cleanliness of course!), and his safety and happiness is paramount. I will do whatever is needed to make sure of that. Where possible, I do want him to have the same upbringing I had, in a loving, caring family. DH has stressed that divorce is the last thing he wants to put DS through, as he came from a broken family, and he hated the fact that his parents split, even though it was necessary. I've kind of leaned on that fear, to wake him up to how I feel, being with him. That he has scared me.

He's promised to watch his temper, as well. We've agreed counselling to help him with this.

Thank you all for your suggestions and support. x

It's really good to hear that you've made progress with him. I guess you both need to make sure that you don't slip back into bad habits.

Weekly date to discuss finances and then move onto being a couple?

Hope it all goes well.