to be sick of MiL buying dd stuff everytime she looks after her! Rant alert

[minxofmancunia]

Dd 2.10 has 3 yes 3 HUGE baskets of cuddly toys, only 1 toy ever bought by me as a Christmas pressie, the rest have been well-meaning gifts.

We live in a 2up 2 down terrace, very lovely but very small, the soft toy contingent is taking over! We are hopefully moving in a month,(to a bigger house) I'll be 8 months pg and want to pare down all the c**p rather than add to it. Dh had a word with satan MiL a while ago to tell her not to get dd anymore soft toys or branded stuff (last week she bought her a high school musical base ball cap horrid horrid) as it was taking over the house.

Yesterday came back from yoga at 7.30 to kiss dd goodnight and found her in bed with a huge scarecrow (nearly as big as her) and a penguin. Didn't say anything in front of dd but went mad at MiL to dh,(she'd, luckily for her left at this point) he said he'd had serious words. The point is SHE'S BEEN TOLD NO. MORE. STUFF.

He said rather than apologising she did her usual petulant childsih things and pulled a face saying "Grandmas in trouble again is she" and "well it's only 2 toys you can take them with you" (re the move) when asked why she'd bought them despite our specific instructions she said "well she wanted them so I had to get them"

What!!!! The issues for me are 1. The clutter, 2.the disobediance 3. the fact that IMO dd is getting a bit spoilt and is beginning to believe she can have what she wants, when she wants and 4. in light of this when we're with her we get the most almighty tantrums everytime we say "no".

For information yes of course we're lucky that gps look after dd once a week (alternating between MiL Dm and my dad) but it was something particularly with MiL that she asked for, so we reduced her days at nursery accordingly thinking it would help.

I'm starting mat leave in 2 weeks for a year so we're stopping it apart from a visit once a month for a few hours (again at MiLs request not us being mean), has caused lots of problems.

Take note: Gps looking after dcs isn't always a handy solution.

Am still fuming!!!!

The disobedience was referring to op's m-i-l and I think that was an appallingly unreasonable thing to say.An adult family member doesnt obey another!!My s-i-l says I buy too much for dgs and he is probably right-I do try to restrain myself but he ever ever accused me of disobeying his instructions there would be a row the like of which my family has never seen.I am so glad neither of my dcs is married to someone like op.

prammymammy, my MIL did the exact same thing last xmas!!!

YAB a bit unreasonable> Grandparents often spoil there grandchildren. I know my MIL used to buy lots of stuff for OUr DD's when hey were younger and they did go through a phase saying Nanny would buy them what they wanted. But it didn't last long. She still often gives them money and they are 22.19 and 17 but she only buys them stuff at Birthdays and Christmas and has asked them what they wanted since they were about 8.

Agree with Ginny i would love for gdad to take more than a passing interest in dc's.
As for bodily fluids etc

I do think that the real underlying issue here is a power struggle. You are so irritated to the core because she just wont do as you say. You are using reasons of parenting styles and the lack of house space as a justification for what has really turned into a huge rant about her. When REALLY - is this the most important problem you have in your life?

She is an adult and does not have to "obey" anyone. I am truly shocked that you feel totally justified in saying that your MIL disobeys you.

Yes, it may be 2nd hand, it may clutter up your house and she may turn a blind ear t your "instructions" about how she should relate to her granddaughter - but really, is it such a bad thing? I don't really think so. But then, that is just my opinion, which is basically what you asked: Are you being unreasonable? Yes, I think you are.

Lol, wonder if they know each other. What age do you think they will buy this Christmas?

perfectgangofthree why am I all those things? We asked politely and with good reason for all gps not to buy lots more stuff for dd particularly in light of the fact we move in a month and we want to sort through and lessen the clutter, not add to it.

What's so childish etc. about that? I've not put on here some of the horrendous times we've had with MiL, she's nearly driven dh to a nervous breakdown and really really upset him. I would not be so callous, believe me, about anyone else, a lot of what she does is deliberately to get at us and she lies a lot. She's only been so difficult since the birth of dd, before this we got on ok.

We've BEGGED for no more stuff!! The problem with taking it to charity shop is she checks to make sure it's still here when she comes round and we're out and verbally attacks us if she can't find it. She refused to give dh his birthday card and present because we went to see my parents on Easter Sunday and not her, despite the fact she'd been invited over on Good Friday. And I'M being called childish!!!

Despite me being so "petulant childish and controlling" I try to grit my teeth and be nice because she loves dd and I want her to have a good relationship with her, I feel it's really important having had completely uninterested and distant gps myself.

It was only one request, maybe I should have said "went against our wishes" rather than disobey, that seems to be causing some controversy.

I (or rather,we-my OH was worse )am guilty of the same crime unfortunately . 'cept it was clothes in our case. We have four sons and when our our first GC was a girl we were over the moon (OH always wanted a daughter). Anytime they mentioned she needed something, we bought it. Any time we saw a cute outfit-we bought it. Eventually they asked us to stop. We did. No hard feelings-just felt really embarrased having gone so OTT. .

It's the way you're coming across in your posts, minx.

Gosh my mother has only ever spent £5 on my daughter in the 9 years we've had her, can we swop ?

oh YABU. please spare a thought for those of us whose mothers and mothers in law just dont give a shit.
id like this to be my problem. instead my problem is that my kids dont have grandparents on either side, and that takes some explaining, probably more so than an abundance of cuddly toys.
you are being very unreasonable imo. try the alternative and then whine.

This thread makes me sad.

Both my Mum and MIL died over 10 years ago, when my three boys were little, and I feel they've missed out on so much fun with their grandmas.

I'd put up with a room full of cuddly toys if my boys could have had more time to spend with their devoted grandmothers.

There's a bit of polarisation on here isn't there - of course it would be lovely for all MILs/gmas to take some interest in their DGC, or to be here to give gifts to their DGC - but that isn't any reason to vilify the OP because she is having a problem with excessive "generosity".

The MIL's hehaviour is having an adverse effect on the DD; why is that an acceptable thing? I don't think it is. If my Mum were here and was giving my DS too much stuff or allowing him to have whatever he wanted, I would still ask her to stop in no uncertain terms.

It is a kind of power thing - "look, G'ma gives you everythign you want, unlike mean ol' mummy who won't let you have it." Implicit rather than explicit, but the message is there.

theinvisibleone's DH had a great idea (albeit a tad ) and so did sparkleandshine - try those.

I sympathise. My mother drives me mad, bringing sh--y bagsful of charity shop plastic (macdonalds toys etc) to clutter up my kids rooms.Mykids are older than your dc, and are polite,but don't really like it, so it goes back to where it came from.

However, she is less generous with her time, as is MIL,which I feel is sad.

My children often goe through their clutter,giving away toys for the "less fortunate", which seems to make them feel better about giving away toys.

I think your MIL is seriously undermining you, and by the sounds of it is emotionally immature. Having dealt with a similar mum, I am willing to bet she will never listen to you unless she gets some serious counselling. For me, the way to deal with it is keep my distance. I have tried to talk, but comunication is really hard with someone who won't contribute!

I think you just have to deal with the problem without her input.JUst chuck the crap away.When she notices, just tell her you can't keep it all.Simple.If she doesn't like it, tough.

Minx, I hear you. I posted a similar thread after Christmas (and didn't get even as much sympathy as you're getting! ) when my parents bought masses of tat, when we has asked (politely, and explained our reasoning) for one gift per DC.

I don't think you are being mean. I do know my parents love my DC, and that is a great blessing, but it is a seperate issue from the buying gifts thing, and they do it because it gives them a thrill and undermines me and DH, not out of generosity.

On the other hand, my PIL don't even remember the DC's birthdays, which is crap at the other end of the spectrum...but it doesn't have to be either/or I don't think.

My parents are moving to small apartment soon and have said for years that they don't want to be accumulating 'stuff'. We respect that, and buy them things like dinners out or garden plants etc, so that they don';t have to feel awkward about getting rid of 'stuff' we give them. I think its reasonable to ask for the same consideration in return.

practical sugestion - could you try and divert MIL to buy different (smaller) things?

We asked for 1 gift at Chrissy, but have said we don't mind spoiling at other times, but would they mind checking with us about big things. It has worked ok -mum often buys them stickers/sticker books, hair clips etc now. It does still irk me from a consumerism and point of view, and because I think recieving gifts constantly devalues the gifts...but at least stickers and hair bobbles don't take up much room.

Your mil is buying stuff because in her world that is alovely thng to do and if her mil had done this for her she would have been delighted. Your philosophy is not wrong just different. It is not very nice to denigrate your. Mil's motivation. If you can 't sort this out sensitively with her I would put up with it graciously as I would always think relationships are more important than an uncluttered house. She is showing affection to your family and generosity, and you are fortunate.

I really didn't read the original post as saying her MIL was disobedient - I assumed she was referring to her daughter and how it has become increadingly difficult to say 'no' to her and how treats will have less value.

I can see now I was wrong! I understand why you are so frustrated with your MIL - she certainly sounds 'difficult' maybe disobedient is the wrong word to use for an adult who in not under your command though.

But minx your OP said nothing about the other problems with MIL, it just referred to the toys so you can't really blame people for saying YABU, particularly when you called her disobedient, which is an awful way to talk about another adult and makes you come across as controlling and petulant.
The toy issue is the tip of the iceberg here isn't it.

ok, ok, I think we've got hung up enough on the word "disobedient", I wrote it when annoyed, bad choice, it's about respecting our (politely asked)wishes re childcare.

And as I've said already and am not going to castigate myself anymore over, WE ARE GRATEFUL SHE WANTS TO BE INVOLVED AND PROVIDE CHILDCARE. WE ARE LUCKY AND FORTUNATE etc. etc. It doesn't mean this is always problem free. I resent this attitude you should always put up and shut up on here because you're "lucky". If a SAHM comes on and feels stressed about something I don't immediately start with "oh you're so lucky to be able to stay at home, I have to work to pay out bills etc.etc." because everyones circumstances are different and that would be insensitive and presumptuos(there may be other reasons why a SAHP is staying at home the balance bewteen prohibitive childcare costs being one of them). If I SAHM feels overwhelmed and/or bored and fed up I try to sympathise and be helpful(as can't empathise properly not being one).

apostrophe thanks for your helpful post, we've actively welcomed things like hairclips, little books, puzzles, bubbles etc in place of the cuddlies as they're smaller and more useful generally and she can still feel like she's playing a part, e.g. i always state emphatically how me and dd both LOVE hair accessories and you can never have too many!

Childcare arrangements are coming to a natural end as I'm staring my mat leave in 2 weeks for 13 months and won't need that extra days cover. Then, learning from experience, if we can afford it will drop to 3 days at work instead of 4 so this is no longer an issue. Then trips out with gps will be "treats" and anopportunity to be indulged a little rather than substitute childcare.

minxofmancunia - from my point of view the choice of words added to the overall tone of your post - hence my replies. The way you word things, even when you are upset, will dictate how people respond to you.

Having read your other problems with your MIL I can see why you don't have a more loving relationship with her and as Ginny says, the toy issue is the tip of the iceberg.

I am sorry if my post came across as "attacking" to you but I was responding to you according to your original post. That post did not include all the other information you have since posted.

If you had a better relationship with her I really don't think you would even be posting this. Unfortunately unless you can both come to some middle ground then small issues will always seem much bigger than they actually are based on the fact you just don't get along.