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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder what the fuss was about at a recent wedding??

41 replies

canttouchthis · 14/07/2009 21:46

My cousin's dad asked his daughter's new MIL if she'd dance at my cousin's wedding, but she refused.

This was seen as quite rude, and has been commented on quite a bit since the wedding recently.

I have since spoken to my own mother about this (who was unable to attend) and she said it's usually common courtesy for the father of the bride and mother of the groom to dance after the bride and groom have their first dance.

It is also apparently common courtesy for the father of the groom to ask the mother of the bride to dance aswell, but that didn't happen at my own wedding (so my own mother had something to say about that at the time!). I saw that one as a personality clash, but surely does it really matter if they don't dance?? It's not for everyone is it?

This isn't really a AIBU, but more like how many others have encountered this and is it really that big a deal??

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 15/07/2009 13:27

Weddings make some people lose their marbles.

Things that you would laugh about or not notice in any other situation somehow take on lifechanging significance if they happen on wedding days.

I always thought that the bride and grooms parents were meant to dance with each other (ie their own partner, not in laws) at the first dance but really, can't see that any of that stuff matters.

Mind you. I was at a wedding standing chatting in a group with the best man and the bride came over and asked him to dance - he said no. Then the bride made a joke of it and was pulling him and stuff, but he just said no and didn't even really say sorry.

Refusing the bride a dance, even I thought that was a bit off.

nickelbabe · 15/07/2009 13:59

it definitely sounds like your mum felt slighted.

as to the original comment - it should be a woman's perogative to refuse any man a dance.
maybe she didn't feel comfortable dancing with a man who wasn't her husband?

and etiquette/manners dictates that you may ask once and refuse once - ie if you ask someone and they say no, then you have to accept their answer.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2009 15:14

dear god - this happened 2years ago

fwiw yes i have heard of this, and tbh cant remember if my dad danced with mil, but as fil wasnt invited then i def didnt dance with him and neither did my mum

katiestar · 15/07/2009 15:23

I think it WAS very rude to refuse the dance,but for people to be still offended 2 years on sounds like 'professional grudge-holding' to me.

paisleyleaf · 15/07/2009 18:21

I'm stuck. I can't get past.... "My cousin's dad asked his daughter's new MIL"
I keep reading it: my COUSIN's....DAD....his DAUGHTER's....MIL over and over to try and work out who these people are to each other.

I think I should come back later

mumblechum · 15/07/2009 18:28

She should count herself lucky to be invited. We didn't tell our parents till after the event in order to avoid all that sort of bollox

SaBeatitudeLaPetiteBelle · 15/07/2009 18:30

Perhaps the woman didn't realise this was a tradition and she was supposed to do it?

I wouldn't know about it and it wouldn't occur to me that I was being rude by not dancing/ not sitting down from the right/ not waving the napkin at the centrepiece three times while scratching my arse/ not doing whatever other made up obscure tradition that apparantly make or break a relationship...

bluejeans · 15/07/2009 18:52

LOL Paisleyleaf me too - reminds of of the 'I'm looking at a photo of my father's son etc etc who am I?' type riddle!

At my wedding I vaguely remember MIL saying she was waiting to be asked to dance by my dad - who is not a dancer at all so she waited in vain! I didn't think too much about it at the time and not thought of it since. Oops now wonder if she's still offended after all this time

Was at a wedding recently where they called out who had to dance - ie 'and now that mother of the bride and father of the groom' etc - my DH got called out as DD was a bridesmaid but was outside for a cig! no-one took it too seriously luckily!

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2009 18:55

OH ffs if you don't want to dance, go and buy an elastic bandage and strap one of your ankles up. Say you kicked your H in the cock last night and hurt yourself so you can;'t dance.

OK OK you can say you twisted your ankle coming up the garden path.

Original poster

canttouchthis · 15/07/2009 19:04

LOL SGB!! thanks for everyone's input so far, it's been interesting reading other people's take on this topic.

I do think it's daft to be going on about it all this time (in regards to my own mother not being asked to dance) and do feel that my uncle shouldn't really be too worried and that there was probably a reason for why my cousin's MIL refused the dance.
Her MIL also said she doesn't want them to have a family aswell (that sort of slipped out apparently, on the actual wedding day). I think she's going to be a bit of a troublemaker

OP posts:

GrannyInAGimpsuit · 15/07/2009 19:05

You have to wedge it up as far as it will go and hope for the best, IME.

BitOfFun · 15/07/2009 19:16

Sorry, wrong thread.

SaBeatitudeLaPetiteBelle · 15/07/2009 19:46

"Sorry, I kicked DH in the cock last night and my foot's still sore".

Can you imagine the reactions?

SaBeatitudeLaPetiteBelle · 15/07/2009 19:46

You do make me larf SGB`

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2009 22:21

Well it would be a good way to distract the professionally offended from starting any serious feuds...

qwertpoiuy · 16/07/2009 10:54

Maybe the MIL doesn't like to dance, especially when it involves dancing close up to another man. I personally don't like waltzing, I can dance but I prefer like having my own personal space.

My parents were upset when we got engaged, as my now DH had not asked my father for my hand in marriage- they were very unsupportive and unhelpful during the preparations as a result! I had actually told my husband long before how that tradition made me cringe and if he ever did that to me I would be furious and say "No". I was marrying him, not my father! FTR, we celebrate our 13th anniversary in October.

Some people are so strongly into their traditions, they are very unforgiving if anybody goes against them!

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