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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not make DD be nice to her friends and to back her up>

16 replies

muggglewump · 14/07/2009 18:38

I'll keep it as short as I can.

I live in a small street, no road outside so the kids go out from a young age. Great.

I have a whole family live in my street, 3 sisters and a Mum, all in different houses and two other houses related by marriage, so basically 6 houses out of 12 have related children. 12 children from 20 months to 11. All are allowed out.

Recently, 5 in particular have been picking on DD. I know they have as I have seen it. It's more than the usual squabbles.

An example:
DD was playing with another girl with her football, all 5 spoiling the game, calling her names, etc.
Today, DD was playing with her friend again, they were again calling her names, shrieking in her face, one hit her with a tennis racket!

Now I had always said to DD to be the better person, to play, share her toys etc, but I feel that's not right, so I defended her last week when she wouldn't share her new pavement chalks with them.
I wouldn't want to share if someone was being nasty to me either, and they wouldn't have bothered with her if she hadn't had a great toy.
Today I get a knock on the door saying DD has pushed E. DD said she was calling her names, I told her if she called DD names, what did she expect, particulatly as it had gone on for ages and her cousin had walloped DD with a tennis racket!

I know, I know, I shouldn't have said that, but there's loads of them.

I am really encouraging the friendship with the friend I have mentioned DD was playing with.
We've had her out for the day and she's had her tea here a few times, her parents are doing the same, but is it OK not to make DD be nice?

I can't really talk to the parents, as they have seen what's going on, and are all related and I don't want to rock the boat.

OP posts:

MIAonline · 14/07/2009 18:43

Do you feel you could have a light hearted word with the family at this stage, otherwise I can see this escalating quickly if your DD starts retaliating too.

I am not sure, I think I would still tell DD to maintain her own standards and not encourage her to stoop to theirs.

whatmaisieknew · 14/07/2009 18:46

How old is your dd ? there would be different strategies to explore dependong on your answer.

Original poster

muggglewump · 14/07/2009 19:02

DD is 7, 8 next month.

I get on well with one of the sisters, but they are a close family and very difficult to put it mildly, close too and they encourage this in the children.
Not a bad thing to be a close family, I know, but they don't step in when a minor squabble breaks out, even if all 12 kids close ranks on someone not a family member.

DD is finding it hard and I am too.

I don't want to make her share when they are not nice to her, but at the same time, I don't want to make things worse.

I was livid last Friday.
One child of the family was the only one left in the street, all others were out, and her Mum made a point of sending her over to me.
Of course I didn't mind, I had DD and her friend for a barbecue, and I stretched the food for one extra, but I know that DD would have been left on her own if it was the other way round.

OP posts:

junglist1 · 14/07/2009 19:05

good on you. I wouldn't have it either. I hate ganging up. My boys don't tolerate it either. Eventually children will hit back if pushed too far, such is life.

Flynnie · 14/07/2009 19:06

If you dd is being bullied then of course you need to back her up and stand up for her.

If someone, family or not walloped my dd with a tennis racquet I would be qoing spare!

Original poster

muggglewump · 14/07/2009 19:12

Well that's the thing, I don't want her to hit, but I don't want her to have to be nice to kids who aren't nice to her.
I did say today that if they hadn't been awful to her, she wouldn't have hurt E, it's true, she wouldn't.
She's certainly not a violent child.

I felt so protective though, there were 7 kids on my doorstep saying how she'd hurt E. E was quite fine, DD was in tears because they had been calling her names.
I sort of couldn't blame her for fighting back, though I'd never condone violence if that makes sense?

I really love the fact that DD can go out and play, but this whole family is trying, and it's getting worse.

OP posts:

lljkk · 14/07/2009 19:14

I think that you know that you have to tread carefully, you don't want to fall out with any of them.
It sounds like you have handled it as well as anybody could, so far.
Nightmare situation, imho.

Original poster

muggglewump · 14/07/2009 19:15

And I realise I have been spelling racquet wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

muggglewump · 14/07/2009 19:23

Exactly that lljkk.
I am treading on eggshells and I hate it.
I just want the kids to have fun but it's gone from petty kids squabbles, which I expect, to bullying, and it's upsetting me and DD.

It being a family makes it worse.

I'm really quite upset about it.

OP posts:

SaBeatitudeLaPetiteBelle · 14/07/2009 19:28

I would discourage her from going out to play with them for a while.

Get her playdates with school friends.

chienpointu · 14/07/2009 19:33

tricky situation.

I think what you did was fine. Definitely stick up for your dd.

I'd have said something more non-commital but apparently friendly enough to the family woman. Something like 'oh yes, they should all play nicely together, I agree.' And left it at that. Just so that nothing is done to crank up the situation but that doesn't put any blame on your dd at all.

Usually best if kids sort these things out as they want and you support any decision your dd makes.

Original poster

muggglewump · 14/07/2009 20:00

It's school holidays, so I can't do playdates and we live on an estate where all the kids play out, so not many go for playdates.

I am trying to support DD's decision, I just wanted to know if it was OK ro support it when it's not sharing?
I think I want her to be nice and get a bit weird when she isn't, even if it's justified.

OP posts:

SaBeatitudeLaPetiteBelle · 14/07/2009 20:04

Ah well there's being nice and there's being a doormat.

I think she's got every right to not want to share with kids who are horrible to her.

AppleandMosesMummy · 14/07/2009 20:06

Are you due to go on holiday ? Maybe a break will take the heat out of it and all will be well when you get back ?

Original poster

muggglewump · 14/07/2009 20:17

I wish!
No, we aren't going on holiday this year.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 14/07/2009 22:16

there is a much older (9) girl in my estate who has taken a dislike to my ds. she really has no reason to, he is 3!! no threat to her at all but ive caught her a few times being quite mean to him and encouraging one of his friends to be mean aswell. this girls family are not the sort of people i want to have any row with so i am dreading anything happening where i have to step in. i understand your situation.

i would tell your dd to stand up for herself every time something happens or is said that isnt nice. most bullys back down when they realise he victim isnt going to take it lying down. if things get worse and you do need to step in then explain to all the children about playing together nicely and that you fully support your dd in her actions if she is being bullied. the children will realise she has a support system and that none of you will be walked over. if you do have to speak to parents then do so politely and not accusing them. say that you have noticed squabbling between the children and that you have told your dd that she's to stick up for herself if anything is said. dont say that their kids are picking on yours unless it is a specific child all the time. hth and i hope it all just disappears the same way it started.

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