to have got a bit cross with bloody mother? Long and self indulgent.

[EccentricaGallumbits]

Am utterly pissed off.

mother has organised a family gathering for a weekend in August. I told her specifically that was the only weekend in the summer that we (my family) will be together and the only weekend in the summer holidays we could go away (camping). I'm not getting any time off until september and the DDs ar eback at school. I work silly hours. I work

unlike all my siblings. who all get decent holidays. don't have to work weekends and do get to spend time with their families.

weekends. I am also a student and we are poor. I told her we couldn't do that weekend. I offered 3 alternative weekends we could do in July or September.

Bloody mother has put a snotty note through my letterbox asking if I can change my weekend away because 'It's only camping and [siblings] can't make any other weekend because they are all so busy and hard working.'

she does this all the bloody time.
I'm sure they are all busy but I am too.

I am fed up with feeling like I have to be the one who has to change my plans, change my working hours (considerable hassle), make sure I'm the one who has to accommodate everybody else.

So when I told her she said 'oh it's just camping, you can go any time'.

I have made a stand.

I told her that she wouldn't expect my precious siblings to cancel their fancypants foreign jaunts and I couldn't change mine (2 piddling little nights in a tent). And pointed out for the millionth time that as I am the only one in the extended family who has to work weeknds and nights it shouldn't always be me who has to rearrange my life for everyone else.

she was surprised. I don't usually get cross. I usually change my plans for an easy life.
So now I'm feeling guilty. was it unreasonable for me to refuse to change? although impossible for us to have a different weekend away.

No YANBU Good for you for making a stand, maybe now she will realise how unreasonable she has been in the past.

No YANBU

I don't think she means to be unreasonable though. she just has no idea. jsut doesn't think. and she does loads for me like babysitting the Ds when i have to work early and stuff. and i was v short on the phone to her. have guilt now.

It sounds as your "role" in the family is to accommodate everyone else as your job/needs etc aren't as important as everyone elses. That's not healthy, making a stand for your self shouldn't make you feel guilty!

yanbu
it sounds like she had no idea how you felt though
and it is very good ofher to babysit while your working
so I take it the camping trip is still on?
does that mean you're missing it on the family thing?

that about sums it up carg.

Exactly and now maybe because you took a stand she will think, which is a good thing. Lose the guilt you did right.

YANBU as it sounds like she was being snotty about it and rude about your camping holiday..

BUT I can sort of see what she means about the working weekends thing. If you are the only one out of the whole family that works weekends then it does make sense that family gatherings will take place on a weekend. Its easier for just you to change your work shift rather than everyone in the family changing theirs to match you iyswim

but if you get every weekend off rather than one a month is it not easier for everyone else to work around that one?

it really isn't easy to change work at all and if i do it usually means having to work something hideous like 11 days in a row tomake up for it.

YANBU you told your mum of your plans and she chose to ignore them. Enjoy your weekend camping, you can visit the rellies seperately a different weekend if you wish. I'm surprised at her organising something without checking everyone can make it first, sounds very silly. If she's near enough to babysit I wouldn't have thought a family gathering with her was that big a deal anyway. Different it everyone is 4 hours at least drive apart like my family, then you do need to plan (rare) family occasions carefully, but a date wouldn't be arranged for our family unless everyone could make it. Sounds like your mum chose a date and then told you which I would find overbearing and irritating.

YANBU - stick to your guns and enjoy your camping trip!

YANBU.

I know how hard the guilt is, but it's just a sign that you are not used to asserting yourself with your mum, not that you have anything to feel guilty about.

Let us know how she responds

Calmly tell her that you have already told her that you could not make that weekend. Your siblings have also told her which weekends they could not make.

She has chosen the weekend that you could not make and SHE has therefore chosen to exclude you from the family gathering. She knows she is being unreasonable if she sticks a note through your door rather than talks to you about it!

Tell her that you understand that it can be difficult to choose a weekend when everyone is free and that next time she organises a family gathering and there are date conflicts, it will be somebody else's turn to be left out. After all, you are busy and hardworking too - it's not unreasonable to point out that you are hurt and upset by not being considered like the others are.

Remember to practice saying this several times and run the whole conversation scenario through in your head several times too so it comes out easily and without being too upset or nasty.

You are definitely NBU, particularly if you are the only one that has got lots of working weekend committments and you provided other dates. HOpefully this outburst will make them realise that they can't always assume that you will fit in with whatever they want even when they know it is wrong for you; if they try it again, make sure you make a stand again because you can bet that they will all be wanting their points of view taken into consideration too (and probably don't don't even consider that they are 'taking a stand' just that they are being reasonable and putting their point of view across).

Good for you!!! - YANBU