Am I being over sensitive

[CanNotThinkOfANewName]

My mother came over today to help me sort through the children's toys etc. My daughter got over tired, due to no nap today and started to shout at me in a tired hissy toddler fit. Which I ignored and distracted her to another activity, which worked to quieten her down.
My mother told me that if I do not discipline my DD that she will turn out to be a bad teenager and that will be my fault. That a daughter should never shout at her mother.

It sounds so petty but this really was the straw which broke the camels back. I really feel like selling up and moving away, so I would see much less of my mother. I have had enough of the comments and if I stand up for myself, it would I upset my mother and my dad is upset that I caused problems.

Just today she criticised the housework (fair enough I don't do enough I prefer to play with the children), my parenting skills (I do things differently than she would), breastfeeding the baby, co sleeping etc
Ironically lastly she criticised the fact that I was upset about her comments, she told me "don't get huffy" I can cope with that stuff but starting on my daughter is just too much.

Strangers have often commented on how secure, friendly and polite my daughter is normally. Surely the strangers would remain quiet if my daughter was the overindulged brat my mother thinks she is/will be.
Surely I can communicate with my daughter and use non-physical discipline without destroying her self esteem. I want her to have more confidence than I do, to feel valued and have an impact on her life in little ways.

So my question is, am I being over sensitive being very upset by the criticism that my darling little girl will grow up to be a thug, due to my bad parenting skills. Do your children ever shout at you and what would you do if it happens.

cannot no you are not being over sensitive. She sounds very much like my mum (who I have some very big issues with....) in terms of the criticising and undermining and then belittling you if you dare to contradict her/stand up for yourself. My dad does exactly the same guilt trip thing on me if I ever disagree with her - she does the wounded martyr bit to oscar-winning standards!

I think you need to cut the umbilical cord and start to distance yourself a little, and make it clear that they are your children not hers!

It is none of your mother's business whether you are TTC or not. Although I'm a bit that you would share such sensitive information with her if she is such a monster (am extrapolating "monster" from what you've said in your post) to be honest.

"So my question is, am I being over sensitive being very upset by the criticism that my darling little girl will grow up to be a thug, due to my bad parenting skills. Do your children ever shout at you and what would you do if it happens."

To answer your questions:

Yes, you are being over-sensitive because you KNOW that your mother is wrong and you are letting her upset you. However, YANBU in doing this, as we all want our mothers to love us and we want their approval. It seems that you need to find some strategies to help you cope with your mum. Telling her to butt out might not be a bad idea!! Or some counselling might help - don't know if you've had some before, but it can be really beneficial in helping you set your own boundaries and understand why you respond to things in a certain way and how to deal with this response (or change it) if you want to.

Yes, my children shout at me occasionally. When I am tired, busy or stressed I do shout at them, and so they occasionally shout at me when they are tired etc. When they shout, what do I do? I tell them off, explain why they musn't do it, and put them on the naughty step if I feel the shouting has been waaaaay over the top! If I have shouted at them and have realised that I've been unreasonable, I do make sure I apologise to them as I'm trying to lead by example ... sometimes we all lose our rags a bit, and that is normal; it's how you behave afterwards that matters, I think.

In my humble opinion, anyway!

(I'm not some sort of ranting, yelling monster by the way - hope I haven't painted too stern a picture of myself!!).

ha, concerning the TTC comment, my mother is the opposite and WANTS more grandchildren! She keeps asking me when we're having another! No pressure then...

DH's response to her noseyness was he will next time tell her we are at it in every possible position you can imagine, really going for it.
What gives anyone the right to poke their nose in at your lovelife really???

I am weak like you and take on board everything my mother says, it's time I didn't pay attention, maybe you should also try the same.

Try not phoning your mum for a few days and see how you get on.

Like Reality's mother, my mother is loving and very supportive at times. She does not aim to upset, criticise and undermine me.

It is only the things I do which she disagrees that cause upset. This is generally what I eat, my housework and how I raise my children. We do have a happy relationship the rest of the time, I am just feels very down about the recent criticism which extended to my daughter.

Just to repeat my mother does not know we are TTC and her rant about limiting our children to two, came out of nowhere. In fact her rant and my following tears, preceded a conversation with DH which ended with us deciding we wanted another child. So my mother's lecture back fired on her big time, not that she knows that yet

Sounds to me you did what i do, when tantrum is tired based I go with the distract approach. If other times then yeah, discipline. You're not being oversensitive, mothers can hurt us the most with their badly thought through comments. A lot of the time they are trying to make up for their OWN mistakes, eg, she regrets not bfding or not bfding long with her children and it comes out as criticism to you. The trick is to remember that if you can't change a situation/person then change they way you react/feel about it. Not easy, but will lead to you feeling happier!

Feel for you big time here.

My mum and I have a good relationship most of the time, she is loving and supportive and her and my dad have my 4 yr old dd one day and night a week to save me nursery fees.

However, I think that because of this some boundaries have been crossed and they feel they can comment constantly on my house, relationship and raising of dd. Things they would never do to my brother.

Comments range from 'you must stop laughing when she (dd) does these things (eg she runs off laughing sometimes if we call her and shouts 'catch me mummy'), you're making her think its a joke'. Err actually thats because DP and I do think its a joke, we dont get stressed over minor things and if dd does that we're just playing, we use a different tone of voice when we're serious and want her to do something NOW.

Other comments 'your house is a tip, how can you live like that?', 'your dd keeps interrupting adults you must put your foot down' or, my personal favourite if they think I am talking about something that dd shouldnt be privy to 'DONT SAY THAT in front of dd' (in front of dd, way to undermine me parents, cheers)

Its difficult to explain properly but its a constant drip drip drip on your self esteem. I can get 40 negative comments in say any 2 hour visit with my parents. Ive tried stuff like 'Well we don't want to do that' and they just say 'Well you SHOULD'.

I once confronted my mum, after that I had weeks of silliness from her eg if dd wanted the toilet at their house my mum would say to me 'Is that ok? I dont want to INTERFERE'

or if offering any opinion would stop half way through and say 'Oh dear I'm not allowed to comment am I'. URGH!

Any advice much welcome. I read Toxic Parents which helped me feel less alone