to be fed up with MIL comparing our child rearing technique unfavourably with BIL/SIL?

[NigellaTufnel]

First of all our BIL/SIL are lovely. And they are great parents to their two children.

They have a different parenting style to us, aa lot more disciplined, smacking their oldest child (4) and lots of naughty step etc.

We have a 2 year old who is testing boundaries, and has the occaisional tantrum. We do time out, and strong talking, but never smack - just do not agree with it - and don't do rough handling. He is generally very happy, and chilled little boy.

However, I am getting increasingly fed up with MIL's passive aggressive chat about how twe could learn from their style, and how we are too lenient with our ds.

For example If he plays up at a meal in a public place, we don't shout at him, just alk to him firmly, and try to distract him, becuase we don't feel that we want to do a full on discipline session in public.

However, MIL says we are being too nice to him. And then gives us a 10 minute chat about how well BIL is doing with their children.
And about how smacking has done wonders for them.

so far I have just smiled and ignored, but am getting increasingly fed up. How can I deal with this better?

Personally I neither agree nor disagree with smacking, it is very much "each to their own". There is a big difference between smacking & beating a child.

I got a few smacks growing up & my mum readily admits now that all it ever did was make her feel guilty to the point where she would cry because she had smacked me, so there is no benefit to it tbh, but I wouldn't condemn anyone who does smack their children occasionally.

I think you just need to make your point quite clear that at the end of the day, everyones parenting style is different, and that your personal view is that smacking is not the route you want to go down as it would make you feel too guilty. I don't think theres any need to be rude (yet!), or to get her back up by saying you don't agree with smacking, just point out that its not your way.

Hopefully she'll get the message.

YANBU.

I get the same thing. As far as my MIL is concerned, if you don't smack, you don't discipline your child effectively.

However, depending on which family members she is speaking to, she will either say we are far too soft, or far too strict. She criticises her 2 other son's wives parenting to us as well.

She also doesn't believe in child car seats and consequently has never taken DS - aged 3 - out for the day.

I would definitely recommend saying something - you can be blunt and still be polite. DOn't humour her - it will only get worse...!

That is mad. Doesn't 'believe' in car seats??? How can that possibly be the thought of a sane individual???

I would say somehting along lines of: "I'm really glad it's working for them ... although it clearly hasn't completely worked otherwise they wouldn't have to keep on smacking her. We believe in a different approach and I would hope that you respect that. If not, I can see we're going to fall out over this and I really don't want to."

Their DD is 4. Yours is 2. There is a world of difference between 2 and 4. Their DD would be (generally!) better behaved at 4 than at 2 regardless of whether they smacked or not.

I once smacked my DD (6). It was terrible. It gave her the moral highground in a situation when she really shouldn't have had it. I felt dreadful. I'll never do it again. That said, it really did shock her, realise that her behaviour truly was unacceptable and there was a marked difference from that moment onwards. But I think it had that effect because I had never done it before. If it was just another in a series of smacking, I can see it would've had no effect other than to give me a temporary outlet for frustration (soon to be replaced with guilt).

Older people have very unrealistic ideas about how a two year old should behave.

YANBU. Tell her 'Thank you for your input. We know how best to raise our own child, thank you'. Don't even try to be polite, apologetic or make excuses.

Rude cow!

Your DS is only 2! Can't compare disciplining techniques with that of a 4 year old IMO. Maybe remind her of that?

I also don't agree with smacking, Does your MIL know that you are against smacking rather than not being strong enough to smack him IYKWIM?

I reckon she's doing the same thing to your SIL too. My MIL certainly does! Must be part of the job description or something ...

Seriously, rise above it, and find a humourous (or sarcastic) way to pre-empt her, as the other posters have suggested.

YANBU