To stop ex seeing DD?

[GoodRiddance]

Have namechanged for this.
Loads of you know my story. Ex left me for OW at the beginning of the year and recently "married" her in a pseudo ceremony. He was abusive, manipulative and controlling and I am better off out of it, though it hit me hard, I have concentrated on myself and DD and on getting on with my life.
I have managed to avoid seeing him for the past few weeks due to being away and it has been valuable thinking time.
I cant stand the thought of seeing him again and the thought of him being in our lives makes me feel sick. He is the sort of man who calls his DP "bitch" affectionately.

He will be in touch shortly to see her and I dont know what to say. In five weeks I've had two texts. No phone calls, no emails asking how DD is.
He pays no maintenance and never has.
I stupidly put his name on the birth certificate, before I realised he was the sort of man who thinks nothing of leaving his partner and baby and moving on to the next one.
Fully expecting to hear that OW is pregnant any time soon, its just what he does.

Do I put my feelings aside and keep a polite mask so DD can still grow up knowing her dad, or am I right to try and get him out of our lives?

Is moving an option at all? Again, I was very lucky in that ex-DH moved back in with his Mummy nearly 200 miles away and despite having all his utilities, food, toiletries, cleaning (ha!) stuff bought, his JSA was his own to spend. Rather like pocket money I suppose. I can't think why the DWP don't distinguish between people who have to live on it and people who don't.

Anyway, the £40 or so petrol money necessary to come and see DD even once a year was a huge factor in him not bothering. Like Mr Hand-fast Man he was always big on the verbals but God forbid he might have to sacrifice anything

Anyway, good luck to you OP and your gorgeous DD. It'll work out eventually. If it can happen for me, (I have a lovely DH now. My DD has the best Daddy in the world!), it can certainly happen for someone as lovely as you if you want it

He has shoved me while holding DD, he has threatened me in her presence, he reacts badly to any sort of ultimatum or threat.

I really dont want to project my own feelings, which is why its been so good to vent on here and get advice.

Detachment is definitely the way to go, and killing him with kindness is not a bad idea:

"you are better off killing him with kindness and offering a regular contact schedule, stressing that it's very important that he sticks to the days and times as consistency and predictability is so important for children at this age. If he's a bog-standard deadbeat, he will immediately lose interest. If he doesn't, who knows, maybe he will get into a routine and provide some sort of positive relationship with your DC."

What Kimi says is how I feel, but if I can just hang on long enough for him to get bored or me to distance myself emotionally, all will be fine as he wont be around DD long enough to do any serious harm - i hope.

Moving not an option, but i do go away a lot. X-posted Ninky, so glad you have a good DH now.

Look I am sorry to hijack the thread slightly, but can people please not imply that handfasting ceremonies are only undergone by abusive child-neglecting knobbers? To lots of people they are valid meanignful ceremonies of commitment, and such people honour and validate the ceremonies by, er, behaving honourably to their partners and children.

You're right there, SGB. Sorry.

I think it's different if he's been violent, yes.

Unfortunately the courts don't take that view and they very often order that children be handed over to men with a record of violence. The OP needs to make an assessment of how likely it is that this man will have the energy to go to court (because if he does, because of the retrograde attitudes of courts, chances are he'll win atm) and whether it's better to try and pre-empt that.

He'll only 'win' in the sense that his contact will be supervised in a contact centre!!!!

He won't like that......but he will need to prove himself there in order for it to progress

If you do go down the "killing with kindness" route, do shield your DD from it though.

If you're setting up regular contact you're not expecting him to keep up with, you're expecting him to start letting your DD down. That will be devastating for her. The only way you'll be able to make this work is if you don't tell her you're expecting him in the first place. And when he turns up, just make sure you've discreetly got the bag ready.

At the moment he only sees her for an hour or so at a time, the point where he'll push for overnight stays is a long way off, esp as he knows she isnt a good sleeper

I meet him in cafes and parks at the moment, and am working on having company when I do this, so he cant start any of his nonsense.

I think you do have to separate your feelings and experiences with your ex from his role as a father. In a simple world someone who is a crap partner is a crap father it does not always work like that.

My ex was emotionally and physically abusive, we were a toxic combination and I was not completely blameless in the direction our relationship took. I do not recieve child support, my choice as I prefer him to support his other child who needs it amongst other reasons.

However he is an excellent father, it took a while to get it right and there have been times when I wanted to stop access, as for the first few years his simple presence caused me real pain, fear and anguish. We have now worked it out and as a family we parent together and dd is very happy.

Good luck with sorting out your feelings. I hope he turns out to be the Dad your DD needs and does not hurt you or her in any way whilst trying to get it right.