to want all you clever mn-ers to make the decision as to whether I should have another baby or not?

[vezzie]

I will be 38 in September.
DP and I have one dd, who is 2 months old.

Why We Should Have Another Baby Soonish

Because if we don't then realistically it may not happen.
Because then they can be real play mates.
Because then I can get through early motherhood in one compressed ghastly hit, instead of returning to some sort of sane human state and then potentially unravelling again.
Because I do not want our dd to be alone, when we get old and sick and boring and incontinent etc.
Because now I am somebody's mother I can never commit suicide anyway so it doesn't really matter how many I have.

Why We Should Banish the Thought from our Minds

Because we are lucky to have one gorgeous healthy baby already and trying for another might be pushing our luck, especially at our age.
Because I don't know how we can manage financially.
Because emotionally I am just about head-above-water with the usual stuff of all the tough things about having a new baby; I don't know if I can do it again, with another child to look after as well.
Because I had SPD.
And a third degree tear.

Decide for me, please.

Oh give it a bash. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Financially you will manage if you decide to have a 2nd dc.

You are only 8 (ish) weeks into motherhood which is a very tough time and not really the best to be making such life changing decisions. What does your DH think?

As you had a 3rd degree tear then you're probably not feeling like ttc again just yet so try to enjoy the present and see how things go.

MN will pretty much always tell you to have another baby you know. Asking MN basically means you have already decided that you want to.

Congratulations, you've decided to have another baby

you have a 2 month old , leave it for a bit

as Bof says.. give it a go..

why not actually NOT try.. ie just don't use anything and if your get preggars.. then that's a bonus..

thats how I got DD .. we said x amount of time without contraception.. but we are not trying

YABU to ask MN to decide! What does your DH think? But... picking on a couple of the "why nots" only...

Financial - People manage on (sweeping assumption alert, based on you having internet access at this time of night and therefore computer) probably a lot less than you have... babies sleeping in bottom drawers, not cots etc, in my day we had a lump of coal for breakfast and were grateful etc...

SPD - aren't you supposed to wait 2 years before getting preg again? Not my area but I thought this was the case...

I think that you're supposed (whatever that means) to give your body at least 9 months to recover before getting pregnant again even if you don't have SPD.

Emotionally - I hated the first couple of newborn months, really didn't bond until the first jabs (when they hurt my baby and that actually physically hurt me inside too which really shook me) but still would quite like to be preg again to give DD a sibling soonish - but would quite like to get DD at least potty trained before another one arrives. Having said that, there is no guarantee siblings will get along so is that the best reason for another sprog? Sorry, not being very helpful, am I?

Heck, why not .

Thank you for your advice!

to answer some questions: DP would have one next week if physically possible.

waiting 2 years after SPD - that sounds like it makes sense but I have not been told this, perhaps because I have no HCPs who know anything about SPD - I have had to keep them informed (mainly from mn of course). So, well, if you say so I guess... but then I would be ttc at 40.

I suppose it is ok to wait a while to decide but as it took me, oh, well how shall we reckon it: 5 years (since meeting DP) or 15 years (since leaving university) or 23 years (since it was physically possible) to decide to have one, I don't have a great track record for decisive action.

We had ds when i was 32 after little attempt and no problems and desperately wanted another straight away. However, despite having no problems conceiving i had 3 miscarriages over the coming yrs. We eventually had dd 6 yrs later.
I suppose what i'm trying to say is... just go for it, don't make plans or wait. You want it, go for it.

I would bin the contraception, leave it to fate, and if it doesn't happen, read the Con list to myself repeatedly. No point getting into all the temperature chart stuff etc- just let the universe decide.

Definitely leave it for a few months. Everything is all over the place - physically, emotionally, hormonally - for you at the moment, plus you're looking after a very young baby. Not a good tiem to be making life-shaping decisions, particularly ones that don't need to be made right now.

FWIW:

I had SPD with dc2, but not with dc3. Probably because I was aware of the risk from early on, and was constantly aware of my posture and movement.

I had a bad 2nd degree tear with dc1, which didn't heal and left me with permanent pain. I had a not-as-bad 2nd degree tear with dc2, which healed perfectly and sorted out the problems left by dc1. I had no tear at all with dc3, and he was the largest of the lot.

I had dc3 at 40. He did take longer to conceive than the other two.

Two dcs don't cost much more than one.

Come back to this in a few months time, if there's still a baby-shaped hole inside, then you know it's time to think seriously about no2.

I agree with give it another few months and do not fall for all the "they'll be play mates" stuff, it totally depends on the childrens personalities. The optimum gap is 3 years and you have plenty of time for that.
Enjoy your baby.

I was told a 2 year wait with my SPD was in order - my SPD was quite vicious however, and didn't resolve right away. (Am 35, so also worrying about getting on with it).

Playmates is just as much down to personality, I think, as a really close age?

Thanks again everyone

I suppose the play mates thing is a bit of a red herring. I guess I am really trying to psych myself up to being able to stand the possibility of doing this again at all because if I don't start trying to get my head around it it may never happen, and I think that would be a pity for my dd.
But actually I have found this so hard that at several points - even from early pregnancy - I have found myself vowing "never again".

Maybe I am looking for permission to not do this again. It doesn't seem right, there are no only children in my extended family, and I want someone to say, "it's ok - you don't have to be crippled again, you don't have to rip through your bum again, you don't have to risk fetal incontinence, you don't have to risk having a child with a chromosomal abnormality, you don't have to say good bye completely to sleep for another however many weeks, you don't have to exacerbate your money worries, you don't have to put your whole self entirely into some kind of emotional storage for an even longer indefinite period until it is somehow possible or allowed for you to read or write or sing in a group again".

I think so. but then.... maybe I am looking for the opposite.

Am I looking for the opposite? There is nothing like a baby rumpling it's gorgeous little body inside you... and it is magic when they are born... and they have such exquisite silky snuffly little bodies... and straight away they are their own people and you begin to get to know them... and my dd could be a big sister and have all this magic in her life... and they could look after each other when they are adults like my big sister looks after me...

i don't know what i am doing, do i

All the stuff you've posted in your "it's ok not to be because" speech above - that's The Fear talking. The sensible, rational, weights-and-measures part of you. And why not? I hear it too and I was lucky enough to have a totally straightforward pregnancy and birth. But the other side, all the magic stuff about growing a baby, is a leap of faith. It always is. If you feel ready to make a leap of faith then go for it If not, enjoy your DD and totally drench yourself in her wonderfulness, with no distractions.

And LOL at TrillianAstra, I agree

I would definately wait until your child is 9 mths old until you start trying again.

In that timeframe you will probably find your answer. It sounds like you have already TBH