not to want to take the DC to their grandpa's while he dies?

[docket]

I realise I may be, or perhaps selfish.

DH's dad is dying, he has 'days' to live. His condition unfortunately means that his death isn't going to be pretty.

DH is understandably distraught - he lost his mum 6 months ago and although his dad has lived for a long time with a terminal illness, the speed of his decline has come as a shock.

The plan is for him to die at home with DH and (daytime) hospice care staff looking after him.

DH says he would like me to go down there and stay too with DS and DD (4 and 3) and I really don't want to. There's not really anywhere for the kids to sleep, I am pregnant and knackered and it just feels wrong, I don't want them to be around it all really. DH thinks it will be nice as he lives by the sea etc but it just seems macabre to me.

Is this just one of those things that HAS to be done?

i've got a similar dilemma as my aunt has cancer and we've been told she now has at the most 2 weeks to live.after going to see her after not going for a week i couldn't believe the change in her it really upset me and to be honest it didn't seem like it was my aunt iykwim.she dotes on my dd [4] and up until we went on holiday i had took my dd with me to see her but my aunt was talking and mobile then now i don't take her but feel guilty even though my aunt has also had a stroke now and can't communicate and is dosed up on morphine because of the cancer.i know my aunt wouldn't want my dd to see her like this and i find it distressing to see her this way myself.you are not being selfish at all i just want my dd to remember my aunt as the wonderful,happy lady that she was and i don't see this as being selfish although i feel guilty x

If the situation was reversed and it was you having to be with a dying parent would you want your Dh to be there supporting you? Whatever your answer to that. I think, is the answer to your OP. Personally, I would want to support my DH/be supported by him in these circumstances. Hopefully, your family would be able to help out, for more than one night is necessary,but otherwise,I personally am not sure it would have that great an impact on your DCs. You sound very caring and I am sure would protect them from the worst of it. Children of that age are very resilient, as someone has already said.

I watched my dad die last year - He was in Ireland and I went over with my dp and 2 children - 3 and 6 months. He was in hospital and I didn't take the children to see him, not did I take them to the funeral. I missed having dp at the funeral, but having him there in the evenings was support enough. To be honest I didn't want the children there - I wanted time to grieve without having to worry about them and their needs. My dd knew why we had travelled to Ireland as asked the most funny questions, which made me laugh and cry and the same time. I can totally understand you not wanting to go...if you can find a comprise to support your husband that you are comfortable with then thats the best thing. Good luck

a difficult situation for all of you, i can see why your DH wants you there, could you go down there with the kids and your mum? that way he could see the kids but the kids wouldn't be there at the end.
My kids watched their dad get worse by the day but were at school when he died, i don't think i would have wanted them to be there at the end.

We had to dash over to see DH's nan last year at his parents house before she died, as we were told she only had a couple of days.

DD was 3.5 and stayed with her grandparents in the living room while we went to see nan who was sleeping in the bedroom.

She passed away about 45 minutes later, before either of DH's brothers could make it.

I very nearly didn't go because of DD but am so glad I did as was fairly close to DH's nan. DD was none the worse for experience - we have been quite open about it with her (book called 'Waterbugs and Dragonflies' is good) and it probably helps that we are practising Christians so DD will light a candle for her great nana when we go to church.

That said, if you know your FIL's death is unlikely to be peaceful I think you are well within your rights to not involve your kids ot put yourself through it as you're pregnant. Would be good if you could get smeone to have them for a bit so you could support your DH through some of it though though.

FWIW I also found seeing nan after she'd 'gone' was quite comforting (me and MIL discovered that she'd died when we went to check on her), as it was so clear that the essence of her was gone and it was just the physical bit left behind.

When my DH's lovely grandfather was dieing a few years ago we all went to see him. Spent the week there. My 2DC at the time were 4 yrs and 9months. DC1 used to sit with him and play dominoes or read to him and DC2 would sit on the bed gabbling or cuddled up to him. When he finally went and the Dr. had been and he had been cleaned up we all went to say goodbye to him, my DC1 even kissed him and said goodbye. They both went to the funeral and the wake following it.

My DC1 still remembers that time and often talks about the time he spent with his wonderful great granddad and how he is sad he is gone but it wasn't him in the body when he died, he has gone to heaven and is playing dominoes with Jesus and will play with him when he gets old and dies. He is not traumatised but very accepting of the life cycle. Though I am not so sure how he is going to take it when my MIL dies, she has terminal cancer. But we will deal with it.

My heart goes out to you and your family, you must do what you feel is best for them.

Thinking of you.

I think that going up there but staying in a B&B or similar, especially if you can take your mum with you (to look after DC if you want to go to be with your DH and FIL for a while without DC present) would be the best solution, if it can be managed.

I lost my nana & grandad when I was 6 & 9 respectively; I saw them both when they were quite ill, but I wasnt there at the end, and I remember my mum being quite strict about not wanting me, or my cousins, there.

Sadly both my parents died before my DC were born, but if I was in a similar situation to the OP, I wouldnt want my DC there for the whole time either.

I hope you are able to work something out. I do really feel for you, and your DH.