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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay natural despite looks fading fast and dds getting lovelier by the minute?

35 replies

elderflowercordial · 02/07/2009 23:04

My wrinkles are ingrained and yet I am in denial that I'm not a natural lovely any more. At what age will I have the sense knocked into me that my years in bloom have gone for good? I am 45 and do not intend ever to have plastic or otherwise intervention.

I even ask my dd if I'm the prettiest mum at the school gate! How can I still be so foolishly vain? I swear looks are more important to me now than they ever were!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 02/07/2009 23:06

lol, you are 45 not 90

and even 90 year old women can be beautiful - IF they are not all botoxed and bleached up to the hilt

I bet you look lovely

and I bet your dds think so too

Hassled · 02/07/2009 23:08

I think there's a gradual tipping point. I used to be Very Pretty Indeed. Now I'm not. I did find it bloody hard, but I'm slowly getting more and more comfortable with the fact and embracing my middle-age. You lose your looks, but you get more confidence, more opinions, more security. It's swings and roundabouts.

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 02/07/2009 23:12

When you say 'looks are more important to me..' does that mean in terms of looking the best you can or feeling as if you look better than everybody else?

I have to say I've never in my whole life been able to feel that, and would never ask my DCs whether I'm the prettiest mum or not -the answer would be too painfully obvious and I'd hate to watch them squirm.

If you've had a lifetime of being gorgeous you're bloody lucky.

I'm assuming you've never had a boy (or a grown man) say 'ew, she's ugly'?

Original poster
elderflowercordial · 02/07/2009 23:24

They tell me I'm one of the prettiest How diplomatic is that?!!!

I am keeping slim so that the photos I'm in next to them don't show me up too much, but I do sense a start of competition with them and I need to keep a tight rein of my clothes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowercordial · 02/07/2009 23:32

I was a model for a short time(albeit not superstar status) and now my dds are getting Very Gorgeous indeed.

The thing is, I didn't particularly like my period in bloom as I was painfully self conscious unlike my dds who are much happier in themselves than I was at their age.

But now it seems I want to snatch back that time and enjoy it in the manner my dds are enjoying themselves and life in general.

Why did I spend so many self conscious years instead of enjoying myself? And now it's too late!

OP posts:
OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 02/07/2009 23:43

Sorry I can't sympathise - you may have been self-conscious, but as I said, I'm sure you never had people actually tell you you were ugly.

My mother was (and still is) very pretty compared to me, and I now realise she went through this insecurity when me and my sister were teenagers (she was still very young at the time, so maybe it was more acute). We weren't gorgeous by any means, but were both taller, in my case thinner, and obviously younger.

I think this was one of the reasons she wouldn't buy us clothes - I literally had one or two outfits a year - but she always seemed to be in the height of fashion (to my eyes, at least). And if I was putting make-up on before going out, she'd say 'Who do you think's looking at you?'

She was forever asking if this or that celeb on the telly (eg Lulu or Shirley Bassey) looked older than her. I found it embarassing and pathetic.

Good for your DDs if they enjoy their looks.
You had it good - now it's their turn.

BitOfFun · 02/07/2009 23:50

I love seeing my 13 yr old blossom (and nick all my nice clothes)...I will always be beautiful to DP, and that's good enough for me.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 02/07/2009 23:53

But it doesn't stop you making the most of what you have. A good hair cut and a colour on the grey and a lttle make up can make you look and feel younger, more glam and confident. You don't have to give in. Grow old fighting for goodness sake. You don't have to have surgery to enhance what you already have. Oh and wear a good bra!

'Darling, when you are young, don't smile it'll give you wrinkles...when you are old, smile all the time, it hides your wrinkles'! I think that was Zaza Gabor's saying.

BitOfFun · 02/07/2009 23:57

I do like that tip Solo

Quattrocento · 02/07/2009 23:58

I'd tread carefully with this vanity stuff - don't be envious of your daughters - very unhealthy imo - just rejoice in them.

How about a hobby that doesn't involve mirrors.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 03/07/2009 00:11

What the Zaza Gabor quote BOF? cool huh?!

muggglewump · 03/07/2009 00:21

I don't think many women have plastic surgery.
Is that what you mean?

I ask DD the same thing, and though she does tell me I'm naff, she does also tell me I'm beautiful, and often without coaching

I find the older I get (and I'm 31), the more it bothers me, and the more I want to look young. I can't do much about it, I don't have money to spend on myself but I am desperate not to look older than I am.

A friend of mine told me the other day that she thinks she looks young, I couldn't help but think that she'd looked into a glossed mirror. Her skin is bad and she's overweight and was wearing really ill fitting clothes which never helps.
She looked her age but really bad for it.

MangoJuggler · 03/07/2009 00:30

You are merely 31 muggle

Please please enjoy your life now, don't waste your youth - and you ARE young - worrying about this

lazyemma · 03/07/2009 06:06

I think most women are obsessed with age to a really alarming and self-defeating degree. No matter how much navel-gazing (or wrinkle-gazing) we do about getting older, it is inevitable, unless something awful happens in the meantime.

I do however think it might be more difficult to adjust if you perceive yourself as having once been very beautiful and now you're not. Personally I'm pretty average in the looks department so in a sense I don't anything is being taken away from me as I get older - if you once turned heads and now don't, I can see how that might grate.

weegiemum · 03/07/2009 06:15

I've never been very bothered by age, I wear very little makeup, as a long-time sahm I only seem to own casual clothes (apart from 2 "going out"/"wedding" outfits).

But yesterday (I could hug her NOW, but she's asleep!) dd1 (9 years old, exceptionally attractive, going to be a stunner in a couple of years - her daddy is already worrying about her!! - he was a teenage boy, he says!) said to me:

"Mum, I think you are the prettiest Mummy in the world when you smile!"

I'm 37, am premenstrual and not a little spotty, significantly overweight, going grey (need to do those roots!) and currently suffering from severe depression and feeling crap about everything.

My dd made me feel like the most gorgeous Mummy on the face of the earth (dh also tells me daily I am gorgeous but I mostly put that down to wanting sex - cynic? me?)

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 03/07/2009 06:17

drink lots of water, use Boots protect and perfect and laugh a lot and you will always be as gorgeous as you feel inside.......

weegiemum · 03/07/2009 06:19

MW, its fantastic to hear you saying that (have been following your other thread but haven't posted as have nothing constructive to add).

I do drink a lot of water which prob helps, and swear by Lush "Skin's Shangri-La" moisturiser.

But if my kiddies think I am gorgeous, then thats good enough for me!

Longtalljosie · 03/07/2009 06:28

"Why did I spend so many self conscious years instead of enjoying myself? And now it's too late! "

Because that's what happens. There are a million different proverbs about it - why young people, with so much going for them, tie themselves up in knots - only to mature enough for them to really enjoy it and look back and wonder why they didn't see it before.

When I was 20 I hated the way I looked. Bloody idiot. I look back at pictures of myself then and want to give myself a good slap...

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 03/07/2009 06:28

...thanks WM,

I have recently taken up kickboxing, as I have decided that where I can control it, my mid-life crisis is going to be a kick ass one!

it really really makes me giggle when DS tell anybody that I go, esp as I am 40 this year!!

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 03/07/2009 06:29

Ooooh I use Shangri-La and Protect and Perfect Intense, maybe there is hope for mr yet.

Dd is only 16mo so I don't know how I will feel when she is a teenager. Right now my thoughs are I would rather be eclipsed by her in everything, looks, confidence, intelligence, I want to see my children shine.

I am so much more than other peoples perceptions, it really is what's inside that matters.

Original poster
elderflowercordial · 03/07/2009 07:07

I love all these pearls of wisdom! Thanks. I am extremely proud of my dds as yes, they are told they are stunning (I have taught them to say thank you graciously if they are complimented unlike my dealings with it all when younger meant I just used to just squirm uncomfortably)

My own mother actually won a beauty competition in her youth (something I would have had no confidence to do) but her policy was not to compliment as it would 'go to their heads' which I think it's wrong as it just made me feel in lacking in confidence.

Also it was a taboo subject.
I am very open with my dds and tell them if they are looking lovely so it isn't actually an issue for them and they are not obsessing their looks in a mirror, instead they are sporty, outgoing and fun to be with.

They borrow my clothes and shoes and have an opinion on what I wear which is generally correct so I do seek out their advice all the time which they enjoy.I give advice to them too which is listened to (sometimes!)

I now use the Boots serum! Will check out the Lush moisturiser, my dds introduced me to Lush (they let me borrow some bubble bath which was fab!)

I think the difference between my dds confidence and mine at the same age is to do with the fact I ensured they have lots of opportunities to play sports (clubs etc) as I was often the last to get picked for school teams which had a lasting effect. They on the other hand are excellent at sports, always get picked, so it's had a very positive effect.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2009 07:20

I don't mind getting older

I don't fancy the alternative

My 13 yo dd is gorgeous, lithe and slim. I am proud of her and enjoy basking in her reflected glory, because of course I made her.

No green-eyed devil here. Your attitude is not healthy IMO and bound to only cause you bad feelings.

Original poster
elderflowercordial · 03/07/2009 07:42

I'm being open with my feelings anonymously so that I can get some useful snippets of other people's advice and opinions to help me deal with this issue, I would say that is healthier, no?

I don't have bad feelings nor jealousy because dds are a huge source of pride for me, but am finding it hard to get my head around bloom days being over.

OP posts:
Kimi · 03/07/2009 07:48

Getting older is better then being dead, get over it

HarryB · 03/07/2009 07:49

I agree with AnyFucker, this is a very unhealthy and a slippery slope. I have never got on with my mother because of her jealousy. One of the most memorable comments from my mother as a child wasn't "I'm proud of you", it was "I saw you wiggling your arse in front of those boys". At the time, I had no idea what she even meant, but it was said with such venom that I still remember to this day.

Your daughters are not competition. If your daughter is beautiful, like AF says, enjoy it, you made her.