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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have dished out a punishment that was promised at the weekend?

54 replies

LovingTheRain · 29/06/2009 16:03

Yesterday DD1 was behaving in a really silly way and not doing as she had been asked.
I gave her a warning and then told her that if she carried on she would not be allowed to meet up with her friends at the pool after school today. She carried on and i told her that she was not going to be going swimming etc etc. I don't think she thought i was going to go through with it but i have
When we got home this afternoon she got her swimming things and asked if i could drop her off and i reminded her that she would not be going because of her behaviour yesterday. She's been crying and sulking on the sofa telling me what an awful mummy i am etc for about 20 mins now. Atleast she won't be doing it again any time soon!!

I don't think IABU as she knew what the consequence would be yesterday.

Am I BU?

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 29/06/2009 17:32

YANBU she is 10, and quite able to remember that she didn't do as she was told yesterday and that has a consequence

She will believe you the next time!

nessus · 29/06/2009 17:34

YANBU - She will thank you for sticking to your word in years to come and I hope you always do. It will let her know where she stands x

FiveGoMadInDorset · 29/06/2009 17:36

YANBU

Claire2301 · 29/06/2009 17:39

YANBU - Kids this age need something that means something to them to be taken away. Sitting kids of 10 on the bold step just doesn't work. By stopping her going swimming she knows that firstly you mean business and secondly that it will be something big that she will lose.

MummyDragon · 29/06/2009 17:43

YANBU. And I disagree politely with some of the other posters coz I don't think it's a bad thing that the punishment happened a day after the crime. At the age of 10, your DD is old enough to lose a larger treat, as Claire2301 says, and an immediate treat/favour isn't always available to take away from a 10-year-old.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/06/2009 17:48

YANBU at all.

mychildrenarebarmy · 29/06/2009 17:58

YANBU and judgy pants me wishes more of the people I know would carry through with the consequences they tell their children there will be.

screamingabdab · 29/06/2009 18:00

YANBU. At 10, I think this is an appropriate punishment (she's not a toddler!)

SoupDragon · 29/06/2009 18:01

She's 10, the punishment doesn't have to be immediate as she is perfectly capable of understanding the consequences.

MumGoneCrazy · 29/06/2009 18:26

YANBU

Ds has just turned 9 and doesnt respond to all the "normal" punishments of grounding, no tv, no ps2 or no pocket money so we use bigger punishments for example if his GP's have planned to have him for the wkend or he has a playdate or trip coming up he'll get a warning that if his behaviour continues to be inappropriate then he wont be going to said trip or outing

We've cancelled 2 or 3 outings because he ignored our warnings and now knows that we will follow through so doesnt push it anymore

Original poster

LovingTheRain · 29/06/2009 19:17

She's asked if the friends she was meant to meet today can come to our house after school tomorrow and go in our pool. I said they can but only if she behaves tonight. She's been good as gold since then (long may it last!)

OP posts:

Morloth · 29/06/2009 19:37

Result! YANBU, growing up I was sometimes grounded (as were my friends) and part of the punishment was the calling and saying I couldn't go because I was grounded.

My parents were business, if you messed around you got punished. I didn't mess around too much!

Happypetal · 29/06/2009 19:43

Headteacher of a primary school here ..... I so wish more parents were like you!!!! YANBU She is more than able to deal with the consequences of her behaviour at the age of 10 - and it seems that she's learning from the whole thing - result!

theyoungvisiter · 29/06/2009 19:43

in reply to Mutt's question about my comment "odd and random"

That comment was made without knowing the OP's daughter's age (I cross-posted with her post of 16:07:59 where she gave it)

I agree that once she'd made the threat she had to see it through - backing down would have been a dreadful message - but personally I would have chosen something a bit more immediate. I don't think delayed punishments are very fair or effective - even at age 10 - although I agree that she should be old enough to understand the delay.

I just prefer - personally - to let the sun go down on mistakes and start each day with a fresh slate, unless the action was very, very grave. That was how I was brought up, and I try to stick to that with my kids (and DH!)

theyoungvisiter · 29/06/2009 19:46

btw, by my last comment, I don't mean that bad behaviour should go unpunished - I just think that it should all be dealt with on the same day, otherwise the bad feeling tends to fester.

I have the same feeling about the "wait til your dad gets home" school of punishment for smaller kids.

Kimi · 29/06/2009 19:58

YANBU in the least.

funtimewincies · 29/06/2009 20:09

YANBU. I disagree that the sanction has to be immediate/the same day, she's not a toddler for heavens sake. The fact that she didn't think that you would go through with it shows how important it was that you did.

I also disagree that explaining to the other child's mum was 'humiliating' and I'm beginning to see why so many pre-teens seem to think that the world revolves around them. A bit of sulking won't do her any harm. Good for you!

LadyHooHa · 29/06/2009 20:13

YANBU for a ten-year-old! Ideally, yes, bad behaviour should be dealt with on the same day. But in some cases, it's more effective for them to lose something that really, really matters - otherwise the message doesn't sink in...

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/06/2009 20:53

YANBU

at 10 she is more than capable of listening to you, and understanding that her actions have consequences - even my 3yr knows and understands

and def not unreasonable to use a punishment in taking something away for next day, you told her what would happen if she didnt listen to you

You were very fair - you gave her a clear warning and told her what would happen if her bad behaviour continued

well done for not backing down, and sure next time she will think carefully

too many people threaten and then dont carry out, and then wonder why their children dont listen/respect them them

tbh i am not sure about earning back a treat, as then the children learns that even if they are naughty, that they still get xyz

so at you having your own pool

mumeeee · 29/06/2009 23:19

YANBU. She is 10 at this age the punishment does not have to be immediate and you did give her a warning.

stealthsquiggle · 29/06/2009 23:25

YAabsolutelyNBU.

At a far younger age, DS's best friend was told he couldn't go to something (riding) unless.... it was carried through, and he had to explain to DS why he wasn't going. 'twas v. effective.

My current one with my DC is that if they can't have a bath without squabbling, they have to have separate showers for x days. Given that they wind each other up constantly in the bath, I have no idea why this is such a dire threat, but apparently it is, and after last time I followed through on it I had (relatively) good bathtime behaviour for weeks afterwards.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 29/06/2009 23:44

YANBU and I totally agree with the poster that commented on being grounded as a child.
My dd is 5 and I wouldn't use something the next day but DSS is nearly 10 and he is more than able to understand that he will miss out on something the next day if he misbehaves, he plays with less toys etc and has less immediately enforcable punishemnts that the younger children do as well.

CarpePerDiems · 29/06/2009 23:59

YANBU at all, nor is making it something the next day and public unfair.

Immediate is important with younger kids because it helps them understand why they're being punished. A ten year old knows full well why they're in trouble.

Choosing something that matters, that isn't till the next day and that involves cancelling with friends will bring home to your daughter that you mean business. Most things that could be immediate often mean the child thinks they've actually got away with their behaviour.

IME, making the punishment something that has an impact and following through only takes one or two incidents before they realise that you mean what you say and start to take you seriously.

Alambil · 29/06/2009 23:59

my 6 yr old would possibly have had a similar punsihment

I don't get this whole "it has to be now, not particularly painful and no-one else should know" lark; if it gets results (without crossing the abuse line, of course) then it's ok in my book

ds has been told many times if he doesn't buck his ideas up, X won't happen at the weekend it works...

bet she'll listen next time!

Original poster

LovingTheRain · 30/06/2009 10:25

She behaved beautifully all evening and this morning too I have 2 other DDs and a DS (all younger) and i think it taught them something too.
None of them are particularly badly behaved but DD1 seems to be getting to that age! >
Atleast she now knows that
a) if she behaves poorly there will be consequences
b) Mummy means business!

OP posts:

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