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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sick of my lying, lazy shitty parents?

24 replies

OracleInaCoracle · 29/06/2009 13:08

my mum and stepdad have always treated me like a trial version. my mum and dad split up before i was born (mum lied about it when i was little and said it was after) and she married my stepdad. they had 2 ds's who are treated like princes. i was abused for years by my step[dad, developed anorexia aged 9 and moved out when i came out of hospital aged 14. lived in same small town as them, and they used to shout abuse at me in town.

anyway, got back in touch with them a few years ago and weve had a kind of uneasy truce, relations thawed a bit when ds was born because they adore him. neither of them work so they offer to take me to the hospital appts etc. however, as soon as my brothers are home they drop us like a hot stone.

i was supposed to have my scan today, ds's sports day is later on and i wouldnt be able to make it. my real dad said he could take me, but my mum and stepdad said they would (if i could give them petrol money - which i always do) and as dad is working and they wanted to see ds race i said alright.

my auntie died yesterday and i got a phone call from sd this morning (1/2hr before they were due to pick me up) saying that my favourite uncle had been in a car crash and was in hospital, they couldnt take me because my auntie wanted them at the hospital with her. said ok, hope he was ok and id try to visit him. went onto facebook and theres my uncle. he had a small prang yesterday, car has tiny scratch and he's fine.

so they lied, and once again have left me feeling letdown and shit. im obviously not good enough or important enough.

phew, mammoth post, so if youve got this far AIBU to cut them out of our lives. had enough of their poison and lies.

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 29/06/2009 13:14

They add nothing to your life. They are only in it for selfish reasons. They abused you.

You know what the answer is, don't you?

Believe me, the feeling of power and relief when you finally cut them out will make you feel fab, though you might have some grieving to do because we all grieve the imaginary parent/child relationship we wish we could have had, and its that that keeps us hanging around, iyswim. But they won't change.

Also, you do not want these people in your child's life. They did not protect you, but you can protect your boys. Concentrate on them.

And perhaps try and get a bit of counselling to help you deal with the legacy of their appalling parenting?

Best of luck.

Northernlurker · 29/06/2009 13:15

They ask you for petrol money for your hospital appointments? That's quite outstandingly mean imo. I wouldn't cut them out altogether as long as they are good grandparents to your ds but as far as you're concerned I would say don't ask, don't hope, don't offer. Very for you though - but not as sad as being constantly let down or wound up.

Can you still get to the scan?

Frasersmum123 · 29/06/2009 13:19

YANBU - you need to cut them out for your own sake and that of your DC's before they get hurt by them as you did.

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 29/06/2009 13:24

thanks, i am careful to not leave ds with them, the abuse was physical and mental. i am still seeing an EDT, mum refuses t accept that i was so ill. they have borrowed a lot of money off us over the years and never paid any back, im just sick of it. i missed scan (luckily nurse was able to give me a day 11 scan instead) and they are trying to cover their tracks. no good. they are lying scum.

OP posts:

shootfromthehip · 29/06/2009 13:24

I'd take a very, very big step back if it was me- expect nothing and they can't let you down again. If they can be arsed making the effort then let them see you DC and leave it at that- minimal contact imo.

Poor you, what a shitty situation.

cheesesarnie · 29/06/2009 13:29

i agree with others-id stay away for your childrens sake if nothing else.yes theyre your parents but theyre not doing you any good.

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 29/06/2009 13:32

dh gets very angry about the way they treat me and talk to me. they tell me that im getting chubby (am size 8) and whatever achievements i manage (like getting A's in my 1st term of uni this year) are ignored, whereas if db's catche a ball they are hailed as the greatest sportsmen of our generation. just dont know what ive done.

ps, sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors am shaking and v upset.

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 29/06/2009 14:40

YANBU - scrape them off. You owe them nothing and they have nothing to offer you.

Big hugs darling.

Worzsel · 29/06/2009 14:44

It does sound like you'd be better off without them Lissie.

Well done on the A, good luck at your scan and i'd give my right arm to be a size 8, definatly not chubby ( they must be deluded )

caramelwaffle · 29/06/2009 16:08

You are not being unreasonable.

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 29/06/2009 16:50

aw thanks.

had text from lilbro telling me off for upsetting mum and that i should have some compassion. apparently they didnt say he was in hospital (which they did) but its irrelevant. a) they shouldnt have lied. b) i should come before a scratch on her brothers car. so that makes it even worse!

im fuming. they really dont undrstand how important this scan is. clomid isnt like taking a paracetamol. i need monitoring.

on a positive, ds won at his 1st sports day

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 29/06/2009 16:56

oh lissie sorry to hear this

I have virtually cut my mother out my life well I just spend as much time and effort on her as she does on me, needless to say I have no spoken to her since Christmas and you know know what it is actually quite nice I don't miss her dragging me down I do miss a Mum but not her if that makes any sense at all?

You are at such an emotional time and don't need them hurting you too.

Well done to DS though

nessus · 29/06/2009 17:29

I normally try not express such strong personal opinion on here but your parents sound toxic

Being a good parent to me, means, among many other things, keeping my child away from toxic people and environments.

Sorry, if that offends

LilRedWG · 29/06/2009 17:35

Arseholes! You deserve so much better Lissie. Kick them to the kerb (at least for a while) is my advice and as you know it is advice I wouldn't give easily. All parents let us down sometimes, but this is just another to add to the list with them.

Well done to DH and DS for winning their races and I hope that your scan goes okay.

Do you need a lift? I can take you - as long as it's not Friday as we're in London. xxx

I'm sorry about your auntie. x

Lulumama · 29/06/2009 17:39

oh lissie you deserve so much better. YNABU to cut them out, i am surprised you have made it this far with thme. can't believe they take petrol money for lifts !!

and so sorry about your auntie

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 29/06/2009 17:50

tbh i cant believe that ive put up with them for so long, but i was robbed of a dad and grandparents (mum and sd refused to let them see me) and a nan (mum told me that her mum died when in fact she ran off)while growing up, and i didnt want to do that to ds. but this has changed things. its the final straw. im angry about everything, not just this. im fed up of being an afterthought, if i didnt have ds i wouldnt register at all.

red, thank you, thats lovely of you but my stepmum is taking me then we are going for lunch. but thank you.

OP posts:

MummyDragon · 29/06/2009 18:18

Gosh your poor thing - of course YANBU, and the fact that you still speak to your mother and stepfather speaks volumes for your strength of character. Sounds as though enough is enough though. You have to put your own health (physical and emotional) first now, for your sake and for your DCs.

I hope you can get some kind of acceptance/closure over this issue; it is huge. Have you had some counselling / would you consider counselling? It could really help. (Possibly not while you're preggers though). Good luck.

pickyvic · 29/06/2009 19:10

i did it. i was in almost an identical situation to you. i cannot tell you how liberating it is and how big the weight lifted from your shoulders when you let them go.

i wrote to my mother and told her my reasons for stopping contact. SD had a heart attack and died a few years later - i do hope i had something to do with it.

so no - YANBU. Do it. youll realise what a hold they have on you and in my case it was a barrier to being truly happy with my lot. i had more than they ever could hope to achieve yet they still made me feel like shit. let them go. enjoy your life.

Megglevache · 29/06/2009 20:36

Lissie, I have e mailed you.
xx

Kimi · 29/06/2009 20:40

I think for your own well being you need to cut them out of your life again.

mummy2isla · 29/06/2009 21:21

Poor you lissie.

Cut them out. But don't lie to your kids.

A lot of people thinking of you. Best wishes and hugs from me. x

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 30/06/2009 10:06

thank you all for your support.

am much calmer today, but still resolute. mum is coming round later to pick up her video camera and i will tell her then how much she has hurt me and that I would rather limit contact with them. dont want to stop contact altogether, have 2 brothers who i care about a lot and last time i stopped contact i lost my brothers too, or maybe if my brothers cut me out im better off without them... i dont know.

mum sent me a text earlier saying that DB2 had arrived in amsterdam (works on cruise, they took him to airport) and they had just dropped DB2 at base (is in army) and she would see me later. as if nothing had happened. nothing will change on her part.

OP posts:

posieparker · 30/06/2009 10:10

Good luck, get some counselling and make sure what you're doing is the right thing for you.

Nahui · 30/06/2009 10:16

This reply has been deleted

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