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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by ExH selective parenting? (Be harsh if need be!)

46 replies

bloodyX · 28/06/2009 21:54

ExH has DS every Sunday 10-6.
He text me yesterday to say he wouldn't beable to have DS today as he has a tummy upset (diarrhea!)
Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about this? Obviously wouldn't want DS to catch anything from him, but when I am ill, I can't 'cancel' being with my child.
I have to just get on with things.
He didn't ask if he could see DS at another time during the week, so it will be a fortnight between visits.
ExH lives with his parents so it isn't even as if he would have had to look after Ds on his own if he felt too ill
ExH has cancelled a visit before due to work commitments and was seen out with his friends getting wasted. Nice!
I feel pissed off that I didn't get my day 'off' as planned but feel more gutted on behalf of DS that his Dad is prepared not to see him for 2 weeks.
Luckily DS is only 18mnths so is oblivious.

OP posts:

MrsMichaelSchofield · 29/06/2009 14:57

bumsrush - you do sound rather heated. I was raising a general point and in no way was anyone launching at attack on you. Suggest you go and calm down

bumsrush · 29/06/2009 15:03

Yes annoyed at something, some of the posters attitudes on here, so stop being so patronising.

No not all dads are the same but the ones that are like this are a pain in the arse, they want to see the kids only at their convenience but expect to have 50:50 in any decisions they can be arsed to get involved in the rest of the time it is all down to mum.

As I said not making generalisations refering to the OP and similar situations. Fair enough to stick up for the dads that do make an effort but not for a dad that cancels because he has a hangover and other pathetic reasons.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/06/2009 15:08

Michael Schofield (male or female?)
Do you look after kid/s 24/7? If you do and you never wish for time off from them you are a saint, but also a freak. If you don't - you can't judge how a woman reacts to having time away from her kid/s. I love my boy but I also love and need time off. And yes, it is time off - looking after kid/s is a full time job and we need breaks as much as anyone.

MrsMichaelSchofield · 29/06/2009 15:12

kat - if you read all of my posts, the point I was making is that in some cases, the dads want 50:50 care and it is rejected, and so that if the mother has rejected this, it is farsical to then expect 50:50 responsibility.

I specifically asked the OP if the dad in question had requested 50:50, because IMO, that would impact whether or not she was being unreasonable in this case.

Clearly not all dads request this and many can't be bothered, but I was asking to clarify this with the OP

sweatybits · 29/06/2009 15:15

you said a lot more besides that

Original poster

bloodyX · 29/06/2009 15:20

Wow, very mixed responses!
ExH has never asked for 50/50 parenting responsibility and I'm pretty sure he never will! I have never refused access and have always been willing to be flexible. (for DS's sake, he dotes on his Dad )
MrsMichaelS, to suggest I was more bothered about my day 'off' was unfair.
I am pissed by the fact ExH has the 'option' to be ill. When its me, I can't take to my bed and refuse to look after DS!

OP posts:

Original poster

bloodyX · 29/06/2009 15:28

Oh and MrsMichaelS, what do you find so 'odd' about a single, working mother wanting time 'off' from her child whilst he is with his father?
I thought that was the benefit of having 2 parents? You get to share the load?! [Hmm]

OP posts:

Original poster

bloodyX · 29/06/2009 15:29

OP posts:

macdoodle · 29/06/2009 15:37

Michaels are you a single parent or do you share your parenting with your OH/father/mother of your DC - because unless you are or have been a single parent - you have NO idea how hard it is to be THE one with all the responsibility - no one to help when you and/or the DC are ill, when they are playing up, when you have had a bad day, when you are short of cash etc etc etc!!

And then for the Ex to cancel at his/her convenience - you have NO idea how frustrating and soul destroying that is - not only because yes you lose your one tiny little piece of alone time, but also because you ahve to be the one to explain and pick up the pieces of hurt little hearts!!

notevenamousie · 29/06/2009 15:43

I agree with macdoodle, as I often do.

Dads wanting 50:50 - yes, I met one, once. I think they are rare though. Overworked, overtired, stressed single mothers - I meet loads of those. Parents (no gender there) wanting time off - I think most of the ones I know are like that.

I think wanting your child to not be with you when you have D+V is fair enough. It's just yet one more thing that show up the big difference between resident and non-resident parents though. I had to beg my ex to look after our dd when I was admitted into hospital acutely unwell, which he only did "as a favour to me". So I am biased. I hope you had a good day OP, I feel for you.

FairLadyRantALot · 29/06/2009 15:52

well....
tbh, someone said it on this thread before....all you can do is facilitate the meetings and be there for your son....the rest is up to him (your exH).
I wonder, if because he has lied about the reason he couldn't see his son before, OP may not believe that the ExH has a tummybug (maybe more the self inflicted kind by to much booze whilst out on the tiles???)....

I think, if he had postponed it wouldn't be so bad, but to just cancel...I can see why op is angry, tbh....

but, well...tbh, your son will make his own mind up about hsi father later...
my father was more a spermdonor than a father...and tbh, I realised that once I was older...and now, I have no feelings for him...because he never really fatured in my life, and that was his choice...so...well...luckily my mum took her responsibility more serious, otehrwise I would have been stuffed....

Original poster

bloodyX · 29/06/2009 16:00

I believe a word ExH says, tbh. (just one of the many reasons we split-up!)
He made such a fuss when I took DS on hol for 2 weeks because he would miss one weekend visit. It would be laughable if it wasnt so sad for DS. (thank god he's oblivious)
ExH text me at 2am Sunday morning to say he loved us and missed us blah blah blah! Perhaps he'd just got in!

OP posts:

Original poster

bloodyX · 29/06/2009 16:02

Sorry, that should read- I don't believe a word ExH says!

OP posts:

NeedCoffee · 29/06/2009 16:09

I was just going to ask if the 'tummy bug' was in actual fact, a hangover?

No yanbu to be annoyed, but it is better than DS catching it(if it is catching and not hangover)

MrsMichaelSchofield · 29/06/2009 16:30

The OP said "be harsh if need be"!. I was merely giving some other perspectives. Clearly some posters would prefer that we all stuck to their experiences - oh well

FairLadyRantALot · 29/06/2009 16:48

MrsMSchofield...I do not doubt that there are fathers that get a bad deal after splitting up...and some fatehrs are truely as committed to their children as they were within the relationship...but sadly, a great number of dads may take their responsibility serious for a while, but than they start getting their new life and the Kids don't seem to fit in with that and they withdraw....it is a great shame, but it is a sad reality....

sparklefrog · 29/06/2009 16:56

In my case, I do get annoyed that X sees DD when and if he chooses and if the conditions he demands are met on that particular day.

My XP did want residency at first, until the court date, then decided he didn't because he had been looking after DD for 4 days, and was physically and emotionally exhausted, and felt it would encroach on his life too much. He has since been given generous contact, but has refused to see DD for almost 3 weeks now.

If a dad wants 50:50 so badly, because I assume he wants to be in the DC life that much, then why once he has contact would he let it slide?
If my X had been granted residency, I'd have moved heaven and earth to see DD as much as possible. Nothing would come before seeing my DD.
As it is, IME, I find alot of men only use their children as bargaining tools, to punish resident parent or to manipulate the RP.
That's my experience of a number of men I know.

Janos · 29/06/2009 17:49

Hang on a mo, what's wrong with wanting a bit of time off from looking after your children? It's not a crime.

We are all human and sometimes we need some time alone.

FairLadyRantALot · 29/06/2009 18:09

indeed Janos....if you live with your partner, you may stand a chance to get some time "off" from being with your Kids....so, why shouldn't a single parent wish for the same....

2rebecca · 29/06/2009 18:22

Could he swap the day? If I had a tummy bug I might look to swap the weekend with kids with my ex, both because the kids might catch it and because a weekend with an ill parent isn't much fun. I would do the same for my ex though. To me the problem isn't so much him cancelling due to gastroenteritis, which sounds reasonable, but him not swapping for the next weekend, or being willing to look after sprog on weekend for you if you are ill. It may be that you've never asked him to look after the kid when you are ill, in which case he may be willing. My husband gets annoyed when his ex moans about looking after his daughter when daughter ill and how she's had to cancel x y and z when he would happily look after her if asked, or even told she was ill.

Original poster

bloodyX · 29/06/2009 22:31

No mention of swapping days. He text before to say he was missing DS and that he went to the doctors today and they have referred him! WTF He's got a stomach bug and they've referred him?! Where?
Since we seperated about 9 months ago ExH has had Ds 1 weekend day a week. He has mentioned that he 'might' have DS overnight at some point but it will be his choice not mine!?! Fine!
I'm not holding my breath.
I just don't know how he manages to be apart from our lovely Ds for a week, let alone 2!

OP posts:

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