to have stopped speaking to my friend of 14 yrs?

[sparklefrog]

My friend has really really pissed me off, but I want your opinions please.

I've been friends with her for 14yrs, and in all that time, I have been there for her, pretty much whenever she has needed me. I always do the running, ie: I've told her to drop by anytime, but she will only pop round when I specifically ask her to, and usually, I end up going over hers 99% of the time, even though I have a baby that I do not want to take to her house because she smokes heavily in her house, and NEVER has a window open, so I have to arrange babysitter to go round. She doesn't have this problem.
If I left it to her to contact me, she probably never would, but the really really frustrating problem is this. For the last 9 yrs, she has been seeing a MM. MM has told her he thinks she is a slag, and her house smells like a zoo. He only goes round for sex, and when the sex is over, he goes home. She is never permitted to text him, or ask anything of him. He contacts her when he is good and ready, and is so disrespectful to her, it's unbelievable. His texts are always the same...Do you want yr C* stretching bitch?
She always always says yes, and makes up a multitude of excuses as to why she cant dump him, and has even compared her situation with MM to my situation to my X, who I was living with, saying it is the same, because her MM has as much right to be in her home as my X had to be in mine. (Police told my X he had the right to be in my home because it was his home too.)
Friend says she doesn't want to be treated this way, but wont do anything about it!! Her favourite phrase is 'I've got no choice'.
She threw her 13 yr old DD out because MM told her they were going to run away together, and has put MM above and beyond absolutely everyone!!
If she comes to my house, she spends the whole time strategically placing her mobile in the best position for a signal, in case MM texts and tells her to get her arse home. She also checks her mobile constantly incase the signal has gone and gets v. v. anxious in case he is trying to text her. If he does text, it doesn't matter where she is, or what she is doing, she leaves and runs home.
If we go shopping, she'll run for the bus if he texts, and I feel her mind is never on any task in hand, only her bloody MM.
She wont work, because MM has already told her he wont be happy if he cant see her when he chooses, so she is isolated in her airless flat, just waiting and waiting.

I got so sick of her making excuses as to why she couldn't come to my house, instead of expecting me to always go to hers, when I know it's because she lives 1st floor so gets a good signal on her sodding mobile, and can sit mooning over it and blatantly ignoring me for long periods of time while she texts filth back to MM, that the last time I asked her round, and she said she had to stay home in case MM texted, (real reason) or DD might pop round and knock for her (DD knows where I live, we're neighbours) that I texted back and said 'I bet you dont use that last excuse to MM'.

I have not heard from her since, and I'm so bloody angry that she chooses MM 100% of the time over anyone else. I'm so angry that she leaves lunch, before she's eaten to rush off to him, and no matter what situation anyone finds themselves in, if MM is on his way over, she turns everyone down for him. She even left her DD sick and in pain at school because she was too busy with her legs in the air 'her phrase' with MM.

I tell myself she doesn't deserve my friendship, but I'm not sure she will ever notice I'm not around anymore.
I can't rely on her for anything, because all plans are subject to last minute changes to suit MM. She has regularly asked me to leave her house within 5 mins of arriving, even though we'd arranged it for days, because MM just texted her.

I suppose I just needed to hear your opinions and rant, and ask why?? Why does she degrade herself like this, and put up with it when she moans about him all the time, and says she wants to be away from him?? I am sick of her putting him first all the time, and sick of her moaning about him but doing nothing about it, because she's 'got no choice'. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Anyone shed any light on this? Am I wrong to be pissed off?
Doesn't she realise where this is going? She says more than anything, she fears being old and lonely, but I can't get through to her. It's so frustrating!!!

(It's good to rant! )

Sparkybabe,

The frustrating thing is I have tried so hard to widen her social circle. I have suggested getting the internet, saying she'd be able to talk to her daughter on it as well as make new friends, I've suggested getting a job, so she could make new friends, and hopefully a nice man will come along, and invited her out on numerous occasions, both within a group and just the two of us, but she has no interest in the internet, apart from googling MM's name and finding out snippets of info about him, and she doesn't want to leave her flat, in case she misses MM.
She is totally obsessed by him, to the point that she has lost all her friends, but she says she doesn't care, because one day, she hopes MM will leave his plush comfortable lifestyle to live with her, at which point, he will give up work, and keep her company permanently unless he has to go to the shops, and they will spend 24/7 having hot rampant sex.
I have tried explaining to her that probably wouldn't happen and that I don't know anyone that does nothing but eat, sleep and have sex all day, every day, but she just says I don't know what MM is like, and that will keep him with her.
She doesn't want any other man, and although she fears being old and lonely, she has put her whole life on hold for 9 yrs for MM, and tbh, I am sick of her saying she is finishing with him, never having him back, then days later, he is back, and she tries to say she cant stop him getting in.
I ask her why she opens the door to him if she doesn't want to be with him anymore, and she'll come up with any excuse, from 'the neighbours will complain when he is constantly knocking' to 'he still has dirty video's here, so i have to let him in'
Yeah, but you dont have to have sex with him, do you?
I've suggested if she does not want to be with him, then bag up his stuff and put it outside, and if she thinks neighbours will call police if he is causing a nuisance, let them! She reckons the police will do nothing about it, and wont take him away. It's all excuse after excuse, and she is going to end up so lonely with no one. Her DD has already told her she will cut friend off, because she is tired of not having a mum, so to speak, because friend is not available for DD most of the time because she is too busyt with MM.
Can't she see what she is heading for???

You can't save everyone...

She sounds sort of OCD to me, there is information on unhealfhy fixations on another person her. As a friend, you could talk to Social Services about accessing her some help and getting her assessed, especially as there are child welfare issues here too. She needs a CPN by the sound of it, and the child might benefit from some therapy too.

Actually it occurred to me that she is 'sub' - ie a woman that likes to be sexually dominated and abused.

Sounds like they are playing some sort of 'master and sub' type game. He orders her around and treats her like shit and it turns her on.

Nowt so queer as folk.

sorry, forgot to mention the child is now a grown woman of 20

Friend kicked her out when she was 13

So no child issues, unless friend succeeds in her quest to stick pins through every condom wrapper in the vain hopes she'll get pregnant by MM. Not succeeded yet. I think it's not as easy as it might sound to puncture holes in a condom that is still in its wrapper.

Oh, well, that's something then - what a shame the dd wasn't given help with this situation years ago. It really does seem like a mental health issue to me.

What Nancy66 said also occurred to me - but I didn't know there was a name for it.

I think the victim here is her DD. She needs help to get over this experience and move on.

Maybe your energy might be better spent letting her know you're there for her.

Her mother's clearly entrenched in this behaviour and intends to continue so.

Nancy - she is not a "sub" she is a doormat! I am "sub" when i choose to be. That is, sometimes, in the bedroom - on my initiation. I am aware that there are people who turn this into a lifestyle. Most "subs" are actually very confident, assertive women. Their partners or "masters" worship the ground they walk on and it is always understood that actually, it is the sub who is the real leader within the relationship. This is not a Dom/sub relationship being described here. I also don't think the guy is a rapist, not technically - i just think he is a horrible man. This woman is probably one of many - its not nice.

OP why would you want to be friends with this woman?

I think you should break off the freindship. You have the right to choose who you are friends with, and a friendship is a 2-way thing. Both people give and both people take. It doesn't sound like she is doing much giving into the relationship.
I would class her as a parasitic friend and go and find some better friends for you.
It's a great shame that she is choosing to live her life like this right now, but you can't make her change.

I cannot understand why you would go to the bother of leaving your child with a babysitter in order to spend time with this woman. She's made her bed

I guess I just feel a little bit bad because that's one less friend she has now. Maybe she feels she doesn't need any friends, but if she ever does, seems there's going to be no one there.

I don't know any other woman with no friends who says they don't mind having no friends, and are happy with their own company 24/7. I don't understand, and although I have tried to understand, and have sympathised with her over MM, I can't get over the fact that fundamentally, what she is doing is wrong and she doesn't care. She has said she wishes his wife would lose everything, and MM would move her into his comfortable home. I asked her where she thought his wife would live, and she doesn't care, even if his wife (of over 20yrs) ends up living on the street, she doesn't care. She seems to enjoy the thought of his DW being hurt and left penniless.

I just always thought she was deluded.

I also think she is cruel to even think the things she does, let alone make the funny phone calls etc.

I don't think I will be making contact with her again now.

How can she text him filth if she is never to text him?

Dump her, he is right about her being a slag, as is he.

I feel sorry for his wife.

She is allowed to reply, so long as he initiates the texts first. She is not allowed to text him for any reason beyond that, and she is not allowed to initiate the texting sessions.

They are more for when MM is horny, not friend.

I do feel terribly sorry for his DW, not sure whether it's because she's married to a complete twat, or whether its because he's cheating on her. Probably abit of both.

Sparklefrog: what slightly concerns me about this story that you seem hung up about the fact that your 'friend's abuser is married and this makes her a bad person - rather than worrying about her mental health and the likelihood he is abusing her.

She sounds as though the MM has abused and potentially brainwashed her. I also would wonder whether she has mental health problems. She clearly is in an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Frankly whether or not this guy is married is neither here nor there, the friend is not the one breaking any vows, but I suspect this nasty man would behave the same married or not, and whatever his position he would be bad news.

I can see the OP probably gets v little from the friendship. However I do feel incredibly sorry for the friend - I can't imagine being happy with so little, or readily accepting it as she seems to.

SGB, I admit I do have a problem with him being a MM, because I do think it is so wrong, and I'm sure she probably does have mental health issues, which I have tried to help her with, but it is so frustrating when she wont help herself, and in the meantime, gets embroiled in other people's marriages.

I think she thinks she has nothing to offer a man apart from sex, because she also sees another man (another one who has a g/f and new baby) and has sex or performs sexual favours in return for weed.

I don't know how to improve her self esteem, apart from trying to make her see that she is worth so much more. I have spent hrs listening to her latest woes about these men, only to find that as soon as she has 'vented her spleen' she's back to texting them, giggling like a school girl over their crass disrespectful texts, so it starts to feel, after going through this over and over again that I am wasting my time.

Maybe she enjoys the attention, but just wants these men to leave their wives/girlfriends and show her attention all the time.

I can't help getting angry when she is so oblivious to what she is doing, and seeing her daughter's disgusted face when she tells her daughter how much she loves to do certain things to MM (who daughter hates). Friend goes into graphic detail and makes me cringe, let alone her DD.

So many people have tried to speak to her about this, but she can't seem to give these men up, and find the motivation to try to find a single man.

I would dearly love to help her increase her self esteem, and confidence and put more value on herself, but if she refuses all suggestions, how many yrs should friends watch her go on a path of self destruction, whilst at the same time try to help her, only for her to throw in it their faces as soon as MM clicks his fingers.

I agree MM is abusive, but until friend even acknowledges that (she believes every man on the planet is a lying cheat and she accepts this is what men are all about, so she can see nothing wrong there) and decides to cut the negativity out of her life, what can anyone do?

She has changed in the last few years. Maybe this is the last straw for me, but there are other things that we don't see eye to eye on.
It's very difficult sometimes to sympathise with her when I see her making a choice to be with him over and over again, but complaining loud and clear to me constantly about him.

I think frustration with the whole shebang is my main problem, not that he is married, but that she refuses to believe she can do anything about it, and when anyone makes suggestions, she finds a long list of excuses as to why she can't, until in the end, she says she just cant be bothered, and that is terribly sad, but as a friend, I want more for her, I'm sure she can't be happy the way she is, or why would she complain so much about how crap her life is.

If she was happy, I'd be happier, but to be unhappy and do nothing about it for yrs on end, thats exasperating, don't you think?

Basically, Sparklefrog, just walk away from this. There's a limit to how much support anyone can give another person who is not prepared to help him/herself out of a bad situation, and there doesn't seem to be anything else you can do for her.

id walk and keep on walking. do you need this drama in your life? let her get on with it. distance yourself.

Agree with solidgoldbrass.
Do yourself a favour and leave her to her sordid life.
She is not a real friend.

Do you want yr C* stretching bitch?

YUKYUKYUK