to expect my sister not to let me down?

[delilahbelle]

Hi

This is my first ever post, although I have been lurking and reading for a fair while now. I'll try and give as much information as possible, please let me know what you think...

I moved out at 18, my sister 2 years later when she hit 18. Despite the fact we've not been living together, or even within an hours drive of each other for ages, I always thought we were close. I'd phone her with any relationship problems, visit every couple of months, she would do the same. She was the only one (bar internet people) that I told about my recent failed IVF.

She's always been much more of a "man's woman" the type that doens't do female bonding, if we wern't related I'd probably find her intimidating on occasion as she's very together and confident. We are a bit chalk and cheese, I have been with my DF 8 years, she has just left another failed relationship behind her. He dumped her because he though she was "unreasonable"

Fast forward to now, ten years later. I'm getting married in 6 weeks, its my hen do this weekend. I did want it nearer the wedding, but it clashed with some commitments my sister had so I picked this one. Not the best weekend for me workwise as I've a lot on, but there you go. We picked this date back in March.

Today my sister called me. She has been working at Glastonbury festival in exchange for free tickets to the festival. I knew she was there, her original plan was to leave the festival tomorrow night or very early saturday, come out on my hen weekend (really an afternoon at show in london, then a meal/drinks) then head back to glastonbury after. She signed up to do this job last month.

Anyway, she's now decided it's too far to drive and she's too tired, and she won't be able to come to my hen do. Also, it's a long way to drive for just one night out.

So AIBU to be majorly hacked off she's picked the festival over me? and to uninvite her to be the witness at my wedding? So far she's called me "selfcentred" and said "I wouldn't care if you did it to me" and my Mum, who is trying to stay neutral but leaning towards by sister (whole other favourite child thing going on there) has told me to "get over it, it's not that important"

I just feel rejected and hurt that she prefers to spend time with people she doesn't know rather than me.

Hello there and welcome to your first post!

I think people do what they want in life, largely. She would rather be at her festival than on your do; hard as that may be to accept. But I think you just have to accept it with as best grace you can, to be honest. What's the alternative? Really??

It seems you may be hankering after a relationship with her that is either not there or is in the past.

Just accept what she'll offer and don't agonise. People do what they want in life! You really will only create bad feeling if you pursue talking to her and your mum about it. What could it acheive? That she comes to your do buring with resentment?

Of course it would be better if she WANTED to come, but we have to deal with the facts as they actually are; and she clearly doesn't want to.

BTW I hope you have a great time and congatulations!

no - she's horrible and self-centred. I'd tell her I#'d planned dates for her convenience in first place - I would'nt deselect her as witness but i would mentally write her off as person of any real use/ support/ friend etc.
Bask in the glow that you're much nicer than she is and have a great time (can't choose rellies but can have great time with real friends).

Hey

Thanks for your reply. Just been on the phone to DF, (working away) who beside telling me to go to bed also said much the same thing.

I can't make her want to spend time with me, I can only accept what she will give - I just feel as though our relationship has totally changed, although maybe it's just been revealed to me more clearly. I always thought I could rely on her, and her on me, and I probably still can, but just not to the same extent.

Luckily my friend who organised it has got nearly all the deposits from my sis, and won't loose money on cancelling anything. I have told my sister she has hurt my feelings but it is her decision, and that I hope she enjoys her weekend. Although it nearly killed me to be nice I do now feel better for it.

I have also told her that I would prefer to have a different person act as my witness at the wedding, sorry and I hope she understands etc etc. I DIDN'T say, "because I know they won't let me down at the last minute" although I was sorely tempted.

You are right to have a different person as a witness - you couldn't rely on her to turn up at the wedding if she had a better offer.

Leave her to it, she is a selfish madam - and enjoy your wedding and have a happy life If your friend organised your hen do sounds like she might make a better witness!

Well done for being nice about it - she obviously hasn't that great a regard for you if she "can't be bothered" to leave her long weekend to come away and be with you for one night.
And I don't at all blame you for choosing someone else to be your witness - have someone who really cares about you and your big day, not someone who will make it all about them.

Congratulations btw (and what does DF stand for in your post??)