to leave it up to DH to sort afterschool child care?

[OrmIrian]

Next year we have a problem with childcare. ATM DH is a TA and apart from 2 days a week he can get to the DC's school to pick them up. I work at home one day a week to cover one of the days that he can't. And my parents pick them up on the other day. From Sept DH will be teaching so cannot guarantee to leave on the dot. So we need to make other arrangments. There are 2 options that we can consider. And we have done - several times. And each time we discuss it DH ends up by saying that it's a problem and we need to think about it. Well we have. And now he needs to do something. He needs to do something, not me, him! I have worked every permutation - from home part-time, from home full days, I've worked part-time, full-time. To accomodate his various job changes, in spite of the fact my job is the most important financially. But I am now back fulltime and working damned hard! And loving it.

I know exactly what he is doing - he is hoping that I will finally crack and sort it. Just as I have for the last 12 years. But I am not going to. I am passing the mantle of child rounder-upper and general fixer of everything to DH. We touched on this earlier and he got cross and went to sit on the loo with the crossword

Is that really unreasonable.

Are you expecting him to arrange it and tell you the solution, or to come up with some options to discuss with you? Dh works hard full time and I am a SAHM. If we needed childcare I would research available options, costs etc. But if we were, say, employing a childminder, I would want dh to be involved in the decision too. I wouldn't want the responsibility to rest entirely on my shoulders.

Now I'm typing that out I sound pathetic, so YAprobNBU.

I am expecting him to make the final decision and then act on it. We've discussed it endlessly. I want him to 'own' the decision, to use hideous but accurate management speak

YANBU. It is so dreadfully TIRING always to be the one who has to make the decisions. Sometimes (too often?) I say to DH, "I can't do this" and just leave it at that. I pass it to him, and hw will usually pick up the ball and run with it. I think this is what you're doing here. It does work, and it's important I think for a couple to spread the load properly, and that includes "owning" the decisions about things.

If DH had taken that attitude with me, I'd have been really, really hacked off. And our situation is similar, in that it had been me doing hte majority of the childcare, and DH's job that was more "important financially".

If he is going into teaching BTW, he will very much not be leaving on the dot.

Are you having wider issues with your DH? You're generally quite cross with him ATM I think.

Well given that I assume the discussions have led to a shortlist of equally viable possibilities.

Then yes, leave it to him. It is probably largely lack of confidence about making the right choice as regards the DC (DP is like this with me, and DD is only a few months old, I know he will be awful at schools/childcare choices)

Sorry. I sound awfully arsey there.

Sorry.

Hmm I sympathise

His arrangements have changed so I think the burden falls on him at the end of the day

yanbu

I sympathise too. My working circumstances have changed recently too, and I never thought I could just leave it to DH to re-arrange the childcare. Obviously we discussed it, but I took the lead in organising it.

Your DH should too.

YANBU. my boyfriend does this with just about everything... leaves it to me and if it doesn't get done he says "oh, we're like teenagers aren't we!" like it's so sweet and funny that we're irresponsible and on the verge of failing to do something quite important. i just think, no, you are like a teenager who expects mummy to just fix everything for you while you play video games or whatever.

so yeah, leave it to him, but what if he fails to sort it out when the time comes? what will happen then?

Is there a shortlist of options reached by discussion?

If so I'd be tempted to bullet-point them & (when he comes out of the loo obv) say 'Right. Pick one of these.'

YANBU btw.

Have you actually said that you would like him to 'own' thos.
If so and he has agreed then that's it. any problems that arise are his probelms and that's not to say you will not help of course but he is the main organiser.
Why not?

I think you need to make sure that he knows that you are leaving him with this and then let him get on with it.

I have spent absolutely ages this evening working out our childcare for DD1 and DD2 for when I return to work in September. I am a teacher and there is no way I will be leaving at the same time as the children. I have been doing this for 10 years - the job does not finish when the classroom empties.

If you have discussed the options, let him get on with sorting it. Maybe try to avoid bringing it up for a few weeks and see what he does. I know I am more likely to do nothing the more DP 'nags' me to do it.

I seem to have to make all the childcare decisions here - DP is happy for me to discuss the options but I think he is happy to leave me to decide as I am the one who does the dropping off/picking up almost every day so it has to be something that works out for me.

dysgu - "I think he is happy to leave me to decide as I am the one who does the dropping off/picking up almost every day so it has to be something that works out for me. "

Well exactly. That is my main point. It has to suit him. I won't be there!

madonna - I can see how you might come to that conclusion But no I am not. In some ways he is beginning to get his act together on so many levels - for the first time ever I feel we are more or less equals in this relationship. Only took 20 or so years but hey ho! And as a result I get frustrated when he does this to me.

Thankyou everyone.