to speak up about someones unreasonableness in front of a group of friends?

[Helium]

Hello

I'm really cross with a friend who consistently lets me (and others) down and who I think is taking advantage of me.

Here's the situation. She and another woman set up a toddler group by arranging with a local softplay place to use one of their rooms. The day before the first session (back in September) she had a bit of a 'wobble' (I think her son was being a bit demanding at the time) and said she couldnt do it. I offered to help her out and go along for the first session as a welcomer/get the fire regs etc. I also supported her by freely offering to accompany her to the sessions (not to run them or even co-run though!). Since September she has possibly been 4 times. The other lady maybe twice. I'm now effectively running the group - slightly inconvinient over the lunch period and some of the other Mums who go can be a bit cliquey but not unfriendly. Hey ho - my children enjoy it.

The other day I woke feeling quite poorly and texted my friend to ask if she would mind running the group that day as I wasnt sure if I could make it. Her response was "cant we just cancel it". I then sent a text to say that it was a bit late to cancel - lots of the Mums really enjoy it and we need to honour the commitment (that she made!) with the centre. She said she would "try to go".

I then got a text 10 mins before it was due to begin saying that "actually I do have plans I dont want to change - cant make it today".

Clearly she hadnt wanted to go from the start (I didnt 'see' that at first). So not only has she offloaded running a group she set up - but wasnt prepared to help me do a single session and then gave me 10 mins notice that she wasnt going to do it (when she could have told me much earlier in the day) - really helpful when I live 25 mins away.

I was livid, disappointed, upset and cross with myself for trying to rely on her.

I want to speak up and let her know about how wrong I think this is and how disppointed etc I am. However I only see her with a group of other friends. I should probably keep this between us both but cant help feeling that it isnt unreasonable to take her up on it within a group session to ensure she feels as embarrassed as I think she should feel. (But whilst challengin her in a 'nice' not horrible way)

What do you think?
(Sorry this has been quite long!)

I don't know what to do about the toddler group, but don't for a minute describe this person as "your friend"! This isn't the behaviour of a friend.

do not do it in a group session

she will feel ganged up on

there may be reasons she cannot do stuff that she doesn't/cannot share

challenge her but one to one initially

It always amazes me how easily people use the word 'friend'.

She is no frind.

No don't do it in front of a group, keep your dignity.

talk to her alone, good luck, what a useless person she is.

It always amazes me how easily people use the word 'friend'.

She is no frind.

No don't do it in front of a group, keep your dignity.

talk to her alone, good luck, what a useless person she is.

friend even!!!!

You've got her telephone number... So you do have the opportunity to create a situation to see her away from other people.

Call her and have the conversation. Or call her and arrange to meet her one-to-one to have the conversation.

But you know that, right? You want to do it in front of the others because you want her to feel embarrassed.

The trouble with that is, it's likely to embarrass the onlookers - it's horrible (tho' of course secretly v exciting ) to have to witness someone else getting a dressing down. And they will therefore be likely to be on her side because they feel sorry for her, therefore backfiring you horribly.

If you want her to be publically shamed, just send out anonymous letters outloing her behaviour and casting aspersions on her parenting and the cleanliness of her house while you're at it.

Keep the moral high ground; don't make yourself look like a bitch by having it out with her in public. I do think he's behaved very badly, btw, and I quite understand your anger and frustration.

as far as she was concerned, clearly you were running this club. Being texted a short time before the club is on when you haven't been running it, is too short notice and she obviously felt railroaded and you were telling her what to do and organising her day for her

Of course to you, what she did in dumping you with the group was really annoying but to her it might have seemed "oh that's good, helium is happy to do it so I can not worry about that"

I do agree she's behaved really badly but I also think we should only do things we want to do and are happy to do wholeheartedly; if you don't want to do it, don't allow yourself to be dumped; speak up. If you've done it without complaint for ages, she could be within her rights to say she thought you wanted to do it and were happy to do it as you'd never said otherwise!

She has def been short-sighted in the commitment needed to run the group and luckily for the mums and kids who enjoy it you took on the responsibility. However, if you don't want to run it then you shouldn't feel you have to and it's obvious your 'friend' is not going to step up to the mark... telling her as much will probably just make her defensive and make things awkward for you. She probably knows what she's done and tells herself you want to do it. In practical terms, you do run it now,not her. I would suggest to your friend and other regulars that you will have to end the arrangement unless you have some support, or offer to give up the reins entirely if that's what you want to do.

Reading between the lines, if she had a "wobble" when she first set the group up, she was reluctant to run the group at really short notice then dipped out at the very last minute, I'd say this is a lady who is struggling to cope and is probably depressed.

I could be way off the mark there. But that's how it comes across to me. She's probably giving herself a hard time for not feeling up to it, probably feeling responsible for letting people down and probably feeling pretty shite.

If I were you I'd not even mention it at all and definitely not in front of others. Sorry, but I think it's really mean to "want to make sure she feels embarrassed". What will that achieve? You have her contact details and there's no need to do it in public - you'd just make yourself look bad in front of everyone, not her.

Thanks guys - good calls there - I accept handling it privately is a good idea - I think my anger and frustration wanted me to take revenge!!!
Really appreciate your comments.

Are you the op?

Yes - for some odd reason my name has changed slightly!!

Er, your name can only be changed by you. .....