To be annoyed by all the "he'll come round when its born" talk.....

[KateyG]

Hello...

little bit of background.. I'm 30 weeks pg with my first baby... The pg wasn't planned, but I haven't not wanted the baby at any time.

Father of baby and I, had been sleeping with each other (and no one else on his part) for about 6 years off and on.

He didn't take the news of pg very well at all, at about 12 weeks we had a blazing row (over the phone - he lives 100 miles away), where he told me that he never wanted baby in the first place and still didn't want it... so I told him (not too politely) that if that was how he felt then he could f**k off... I would never stand in his or his parents way of having a relationship with his child but he had to want to no just feel he should...

He apologised for outburst about 18 weeks, I said that I stood by what I had said, I wanted him involved but only if he wanted to be...

He hasn't been to any scans, rung me or anything through out the pregnancy... I have sent him copies of all the pictures from the scans, plus a copy of the the 4d scan I had done. Not once has he thanked me or even said that he had received the 4d scan...

Spoke to him about 6 weeks ago, when he told me he wanted to be involved - be at the birth etc... which was quite a shock but I was pleased as I do want him involved.

However I've heard nothing since....

I have days of being very angry and upset by the push me pull you feelings... and have decided that I am now too tired to be constantly extending the olive branch to him...

My so called friends all say he'll come round when the baby is born... but I really don't want him to come round when the baby is born... and am getting fed up with my friends excusing his behaviour - he's too young... erm no he isn't he's 23.. what he is is too immature maybe but he's not too young... the most annoything thing I think is that they all seem to be able to see his side of things clearer than me... btw none of my friends have children..... Incidently I don't bring him up in conversation they always do, and I try and end the conversation as quickly as possible as I know it annoys me...

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed???

YANBU to be annoyed with your friends.

HOWEVER, I should say that my DS3 was unplanned, DH wanted me to terminate, we nearly split up in the midst of the pg and he was totally not interested in the pg. He would have brief moments of "interest" and that was it.

Until DS3 was born..........

Now guess who DS3 is constantly glued to - and who lets DS3 gets away with the most mischief

No. not at all. I think a conversation with your friends is in order, tbh. I bet they are not dismissing your feelings, but are just trying to reassure you, they probably think they are being kind - Oh it'll be ok, things will work out, etc etc, but if that's not what you need, then you need to tell them.

The last thing you want for your child is someone who is in and out of their life, so he needs to make a choice. In your situation I would be saying that if he wants to be involved you will welcome it, but if he walks away again, or lets his child down once, then the door will be closed to him. Because you will not see your child be damaged by a here-again-gone-again 'daddy'.

Oh you poor thing. It does strike me that you are doing all the running here...and he may be saying those things because he doesn't want to upset you.

Perhaps stop running after him and see what happens? It's not your responsibility to make him be a father, or a good father...it's down to you to protect (emotionally as well) yourself and your child. Try to keep that in mind and see if he steps up or not, but please don't get into the trying-to-make-him do it thing.

Good luck xx

and actuall the F1 joke has been traced back to 1954 (before Jenson was even a twinkle in his daddy's eye )

"The phenomenon has been traced to 1954, when a locally-known wit in Barrowford spotted the similarity between the motor racing category ?Formula One? and one of the keys on his typewriter. The gentleman, whose name is unknown, removed the F1 key from his machine, threw it on the floor and photographed it, sending the resulting image by carrier pigeon to associates throughout Lancashire."

I expect that he didn't use "button" just F1 and accident.

Jenson himself (several years ago when this joke started circulating on the internet) said that it was funny first few times but now is just boring

(and yes I still snigger at the thought of the Mr Savage.......the dentist in my last dentists practice).

oh poo SORRY SORRY SORRY

wrong thread

Ok, I do get why your friends are saying this as a) dads often do fall 'in love' with their babies when physically presented with the baby rather than just seeing fat stomach and a picture b) they may think they are being supportive as everyone loves a cute baby right? c) it's a 'romantic' ending d) they're projecting as they too would be frightened. But can understand why that must be so wearing, especially since it's not THEM it's happening to.

But you are sensibly preparing yourself for being sole-parent given his disinterest so far. You've not been a couple in the traditional sense, he's not been 'there' and you can't plan for what might never happen. However, you will be able to say to your child later that you gave him every opportunity to be.

"getting fed up with my friends excusing his behaviour - he's too young... erm no he isn't he's 23.. "

That is pretty young for fatherhood, really. Plenty of men take another good decade to get their heads around the idea!

I'm not excusing his behaviour - he is being an idiot - but I suspect your friends are just trying to be positive, and hopeful that things will change.

Nope YANBU. Sounds like you have given him an olive grove, never mind a branch to help him "get used to the idea" -- bless men. What a bunch of losers when they get all sensitive about unplanned pregnancies.

Stick by your guns gal. You have the interests of your baby at heart. he needs to act responsibly and be committed, something tells me he has issues with this, or your baby to be will end up being the most hurt by him

good luck with the forthcoming birth, I am 4 weeks behind you xxxxx

YANBU - my DDs "sperm doner" didn't want to know - i don't know why but i took her to see him when she was born - guess what, he still didnt want to know THANK GOD. There has never been any contact and my DD is now 19 and has asked a few cursory questions but no more. She didn't need a part time daddy, popping in and out of her life when it suited him. Best thing he ever did was keep away.

I would break contact with this guy completely, sorry but its not a fairy story and he aint gonna become Mr reliable just because you have given birth. I honestly think its better to have no father in the frame than a father who comes and goes.

"I would break contact with this guy completely, sorry but its not a fairy story and he aint gonna become Mr reliable just because you have given birth. I honestly think its better to have no father in the frame than a father who comes and goes."

what so you don't even give the guy a chance??

Hmm lovely. Not all men are the same you know......

you say ,"
Father of baby and I, had been sleeping with each other (and no one else on his part) for about 6 years off and on'

Does that mean you were sleeping with other men?
if so , is there a chance he is doubting he is the father and wants to keep his distance just in case?

if not, then i do agree that you should give him a chance once the baby is here. if he is still as reluctant and there is no doubt the baby is his, then you might need to look at things again.

FAQ, i take that on board, however i was basing my observations on this guys behaviour to date - it really doesn't suggest that he is going to come good does it. I think the OP knows this, its her friends who are niave. I'm not bitter at all about DDs father. Our relationship was finished before i found out i was pregnant so its not like i had a broken heart. Better all round imo.

He can have as many chances as he likes, he knows where the OP lives i take it, is capable of making contact. But i think it is bad for a child who has an absent parent who cannot be arsed.

Difficult one.

Maybe he IS scared about the whole thing?

I had been in a living together relationship with dp for 9 years when I got pg with no1.He was 36 and still had the heebie jeebies (unplanned pg)

Maybe he is still coming to term swith it all?What do you feel as a gut instinct?

Could you meet on neutral ground and discuss it all?

If then the answer is negative then I would say you are being sensible making plans for your baby and yourself.
Obviously I don't know the ins and ous of your relationship.

I hope things work otu for you XX

"however i was basing my observations on this guys behaviour to date"

yes and I'm basing my observations on a man who displayed almost the exact same behaviour and came good..........

He doesn't sound worthy to be given the title of father. His actions speak volumes, not attending scans, being angry etc.
On fathers day it is sad that some men still behave like this.
I am sorry for you, but IMO you would be better off not counting on him for any support.
Your baby is going to be so beautiful and so deserving of the best you can be.
Being a father means a lot more than conceiving a child. It takes a real man to raise one. To quote B. Obama.
I hope your child's father can come good. Good Luck

Maybe they are just suggesting that you don't write him off just yet. Plenty of men feel completely disassociated from pregnancy, even when all the other circumstances are better.

FWIW, my DP was exactly the same when I was pregnant, a complete twat basically. He missed scans, told me he didn't want me or the baby, I could go on. However, he did fall in love with her when she was born and we are all living together and are a very happy little family. He was just TERRIFIED and not coping.

Don't be too harsh on your friends, they are just trying to see the positives.

I can see why you are annoyed by this. I was in a similar situation with DS' dad - we were not in a couple relationship, just drinking buddies who got a little careless one night. After a week or so of being supportive, DS dad then told me he didn't want to know, couldn't cope with it etc, and I told him that it ws fine, bye bye (I didn;t actually blame him, it was no more his fault than mine that a pregnancy had occurred, and I didn't want to force him into anything). About a month before DS was born his dad rang me, having not spoken for 6 months, said he was sorry, he'd changed his mind, wanted to be a good dad etc. I kept him at arms' length for a bit, was in fact quite freaked out at first.
But DS is now 4 and has a loving, doting, involved, brilliant dad who sees him twice a week at least, gives us money etc and everything has worked out fine.
The thing is, no one can be sure what's going to happen. My best advice would be to concentrate on yourself and your baby for the moment. Don't chase the dad, leave him alone but leave the door open, so to speak. He may well turn into a great dad, whether or not he wants (or you want) any kind of couple-relationship between the two of you: a good co-parent relationship is a wonderful thing. Get some basic legal advice about maintenance so that you kinow what your rights are but don't get heavy with him about maintenance unless/until you have to.
Best of luck, anyway.

Yes is he sure he is the father? DNA test is possible prior to birth, but not really best idea.

FAQ that is great, really it is. I just don't think the OP should rely on it - if she cuts contact and leaves it to the man to make the first move then she will at least be sure of his intentions.

Hi All

Thanks for all the messages, nice to know that I am not just being a hormonal mess!

Yes he definitely knows he is the father, I have offered a DNA test after birth as he did ask after his sister asked him....

I have slept with other people as I had a boyfriend in the middle of our off/on relationship.

I am leaving the door open as you suggest but not actively pursuing anything anymore. I'll ring him when I am in labour (on the way to hospital) and see what happens.

I am lucky enough that I am able to cope financially (I hope!) without his input in that way, but do take on board that that I need to make sure that I am legally covered etc.

Will let you know how it all turns out no doubt!

Try to remember that, with an unplanned PG, the bloke sort of has a right not to want to be a father without that making him a complete shit. Unless he was the one who consistently refused to use a condom or something (if it was contraception failure then it really isn't anyone's fault).

I'm not overly annoyed at him.... I've made the choice to have this baby knowing that he wasn't overly keen.. we're both responsible for the pregancy as neither of us bothered with contraception etc....

I'm more irriatated by my friends constant 'he'll come round talk' and his off/on interest....

Totally prepared to do this on my own if that's what he wants - certainly don't want him involved only because he thinks he should be.

It may not be anyone's fault, but it is the responsibility of each. Even if you minimize the risks they're still there.

"if she cuts contact and leaves it to the man to make the first move then she will at least be sure of his intentions."

yes and of course that's the very grown up thing to do isn't it before he's even had a proper chance to show how he's going to be once the baby has actually arrived.

as an aside - I was so detached from my pg with DS2 that I couldn't even be bothered to sit down and think up names! (unplanned pg) so it's not just men that often genuinely find it difficult to come round to these things.

The op says ". but I really don't want him to come round when the baby is born."

that's not a choice for her to make, but I DO think she has to give him the opportunity to do so after the baby is born and not just make a decision now before baby is even here.

my DH was there at DS3's birth - but he may as well not have been - he sat at the side of the room (I had a doula as well so wasn't bothered about his lack of support) and lookd positively bored. Even the first photos of him holding DS3 you can see him thinking "ermm, what am I doing here".....