Not wanting my DS (4 months) to be in development competition with his cousin

[LittleMammaTo2]

SIL very competitive, straight A student, apple of parents eye, very academic. Had baby 2 months after I did and insists on having "face offs" whenever we see each other. Example - who can smile first, who is the biggest, who weighs the most, let's see who walks first and talks first etc etc.

makes my blood boil and I really want to tell her to pi$$ off and stop being so childish.

Am currently typing one handed due to said DS being whingy and gripey (obviously nephew never is!) so will add more later.

Please tell me I'm being rational and SIL is pain!

YANBU - I would just inform her, totally deadplan, that your DS can speak fluent latin and is working on getting his doctorate.

I do what zeke does, and feel inwardly smug.

OMG, I could have written your post! My SIL fawned over by her parents to the point of it being nauseating and DH is more than often ignored when she's around.

For me it's like driving with someone 2 inches from your bumper with their full beams on!

She had a baby 5 months after DS was born and we have constant comparisons between them. He just happens to be a big baby (absolutely nothing wrong with that), but I get constantly told how he's now in 18 month clothes (he's 11 months) and he's not fat, he just has a long back...and how much heavier he is than DS, blah, blah blah...

It goes on and on, relentlessly, to the point that I do my best to avoid any contact. I hate people comparing children of any age as I think it's counterproductive and if extreme, harmful to the children.

Anyway, you have my sympathy.

YANBU.

A "friend" had a baby 2 days before I had my second. Every time we saw each other she was saying how bright and advanced her baby was. A while later we bumped into each other and I happened to mention that my baby was cutting her first tooth. "Friend" went mental as her baby wasn't, was convinced there was something wrong with her and whisked her off to the GP.

She's still the same now. Can't accept that she has a perfectly normal average child. Trouble is the kid has picked up on it and has a real superiority complex now.

sigh

TheProvincialLady, I was told that you can't get a 10 at birth - only a few mins after - because pinkly oxygenated skin tone is one point, and all healthy babies are born purple from the womb! 10/10 is maximum for a few minutes old, but only 9/10 at (second of) birth. So I always grin a bit, I'm afraid.

I think, if I'm honest, that having a sn sibling alters my take anyway. I mean, who cares when ds has teeth, or if he crawls early, or late... he can hear, and is almost certainly not on the autistic spectrum. And even if he is dyslexic, or has another problem, well, again, who cares? He's still fabulous. I find such comparisons invidious. It's acting as if developmental speed/progress somehow makes a baby more worthwhile, and it sets some up to fail and others to just be obnoxious. And for the record, I'm not being defensive - hv and gps say ds is in every way doing well, so far - but a cousin didn't say a word till he was 3, and then it was a sentence. "I don't like radishes" to be exact, when salad was being loaded onto his plate. He heads up a branch of a film production company in New Zealand now, at 30, so it plainly wasn't indicative of being slow! Luckily for him, he was dc3, so his mother was too busy to waste time worrying about it. Infant development just isn't much of a guide (seeing a gp because your baby hasn't yet cut a tooth?! God, does she want to be up with my currently teething babe, because there are times I'd be glad to swap!) unless it's so delayed/absent as to be abnormal, and then comparisons stop being silly and become downright unpleasant.

Couldn't agree with you more. Can you believe I have had people being competitive about the size of our DC feet? My DS1 has quite small feet but can still run, walk etc as well as any 2 year old. Some people have found it something to be very proud of, that their son is 3 or 4 sizes bigger. Bizarre.

the sister I loathe had her baby 12 weeks after me,she was delighted that mine was 'only' 9lb8 and hers was 10lb6-thrilled that I had problems breastfeeding and my weeny baby was tiny compared to her big fat boy. however,my weeny scrap of a baby is mega full a couple of chapters on in the developement book from where she should be-we're not arsed and have done nothing to encourage this but Clara walked early and speaks really well.I don't expect a medal or anything but anyway-hers is very much cave man in his grunts and didn't walk until he was 16months old which is absolutely average.We've said nothing and done nothing to compare/compete (and if it was a competition then we are SOOOO winning!) anyway- on sunday my little chatty piped up with a really good sentence (can't remember what it was even but anyway,we didn't comment but just answered her as you do) sister leaps up out of chair and says 'i've read a report that says that children who don't communicate until they are older have better vocab and are more intelligent than those that can speak'
i can only say 'stunned silence and tumbleweed' I never comment on hers and would be thankful if she'd shut the fuck up about mine-
Her problem is dons freud hat she wants a girl and I have 2 and she has one girl and 3 boys,she's very competitive anyway and whilst I don't comment positively or negatively on her very average baby I wish she'd shut up commenting on mine and how small/crap at sleeping and eating/chatty she is...

I used to hate this.
I found one of the ways of stopping the 'opposition' in their tracks was to say something like "no he isn't talking yet but then my cousin didn't utter a word til he was 3 yrs old and now he's a University Professor; so I guess we should be careful what we wish for " ..and give a knowing look.

If she accepts she is and has always been competitive you could turn it into a joke (to help relieve your stress) - go overboard and get charts, certificates and trophies and arrange a presentation day every time her baby laughs, cries, talks, walks or poos

I know it is irritating.

Just gently point out to her that it is great that she has such a positive experience of motherhood, that it is really nice that her baby is sleeping through, she is really lucky. And do say "You must have SO MUCH MORE energy than me, with such an easy baby".

Then go for the kill:

"You know, babies develop at different pace, and reach their own milestones when they are ready to. Smiling, walking, or even talking early, does not mean the child is gifted and will be a nuclear physicist, only that the baby is ready for that particular developmental stage".

Continue: "I find great pleasure in comparing my baby to what my baby did a week ago, or a month ago, as it is really fascinating to see how he develops. Comparing him to other babies will mean nothing, as they develop so differently"

Smiles and deep breath.

And she will come across a bit pointless, and hopefully realize this herself.

Satsuma1 I love your tailgater comparison, that's exactly how it feels! Probably comes from similar motivations, too - I'm first, I'm best, you're slower, you're worse.

I also like Zeke's story and way of dealing with things.

LittleMamato2 Even if you don't have any evidence to offer of your child being more advanced, it really doesn't matter. The very best tool you have for dealing with this is to be firmly, completely and quietly proud of your own DC.

So pick your standard phrase. Mine is "yes, -insert-SIL's-child's-name-here- is remarkable/fantastic/special" (which has the advantage of being fair to the child, and completely true since ALL children are remarkable/fantastic/special). Stay with that standard phrase and offer absolutely NOTHING in return about your own DC.

If you are directly asked about something like a milestone, always be vague: "I can't remember the date of DS's first smile, but I have it written down at home somewhere," or "He's weighing in a nice healthy centile."

I have a relative who has just taught her 2 toddlers to sign and always asks everyone to watch while they all sit in a circle and sing a song and sign along. I am cringing all the way through, but afterwards I say "Wow, aren't they remarkable?"

Nothing infuriates a highly competitive person more than someone who has no motivation to compete with them!

Also forgot to add - I personally don't think that having a word with her, or giving her any indication that you think she is acting unfairly will work to your advantage. It could well be interpreted as you being "jealous" or "insecure" - or course you're not, but this is often the fall-back position for people who like to boast.

Just worry about your own reactions to it.

YANBU but.....Playing devil's advocate here but I have to say that if you know she is like that then maybe it isn't personal, she just likes to say what level her child is at. Don't view it as a competition. If she says her child sleeps through the night then tell her how lucky she is. If she is commenting on how her baby is doing then maybe it is just first time motherhood excitement? She is with a baby all day everyday - she doesn't have much to talk about except nappy movements and new things the baby has done.

I understand that it is hard living with people who are naturally competitive but it isn't always spiteful. My mum is very competitive but it is just her nature - she can't help it and whilst at time it irks, it isn't actually meant in any other way other than her trying to compare her life to others to see where she is at i guess. I also think it is because she is lonely and slightly insecure. (although having said that, i was more than slightly irked that she kept comparing my DS with me as a baby - i am DC2 for her - and how i slept through from 2 weeks (yeah right) - according to my grandmother my mother slept through from birth!! - whereas when i dug deeper i found she had exactly the same problesm with my brother DC1 as i have had with my DS1.)

If you really find it so hard to deal with - don't see her. It is very easy to not meet up with someone and to not spend time with someone who you don't like.

TheProvincialLady - you're not a liar! I am sitting here with my DD1's little pink card from her crib in the hospital and both apgars are 10! Not that I have ever mentioned this to anyone .

Stigaloid, she is competitive by nature and i have always known this but her comparisons are not about her being a first time mum. She actually says "oh let's have a competition to see who does xyz first" etc etc. There is no malise intended which I am fully aware of - she is not by nature a nasty person just can be thoughtless (like buying DD little shoes when she has deformed foot and couln't wear shoes for first year of her life), cold and very abrupt.

I do agree with her when she says how special her DS is as it was a hard slog for her and her DH to get him here and he is a beautiful little thing.

The competitive thing is extremely pointless at the mo due to their ages anyway. Added to this the fact that my DD is 2 months older (which so early makes a massive difference) it's ridiculous anyway.

I'm not insecure about DS's development (I've never heard of a healthy child being unable to learn to walk/wean/smile/laugh etc) and really couldn't care less if her DS develops more quickly it's just the fact that she wants to openly have this competition.

Been there done that, although not with SIL as much, more MIL! My youngest DS is a week younger than SIL's eldest - both boys. Almost from day one we had * does this, that and the other, and we heard nothing but how wonderful they were (and this continued when her 2nd DS was born). Every phone call with MIL contained at least one fascinating fact about how clever/articulate/wonderful the boys were with no interest shown in ours.

The boys are now ten, and it does seem to have stopped pretty much - our elder boys both got scholarships and the youngest who was always in comparison is bright and musical. My DN's are also bright and musical, but no more or less so than ours, and finally MIL seems to realise that it isn't necessary to be comparing them all the ttime. To be fair SIL never really did the comparing, at least no more so than you would normally and didn't brag about whether her son was better than mine - it was just the MIL - probably something to do with the mother & daughter relationship!

You'll just have to grit your teeth and try not to be annoyed and hope they get the hint.

Nooo, I didn't think you were a liar! It's for a few mins after birth, the scores. One and 5 I think? The very second of birth, you aren't pink, so they don't score. I was being a pedant. ('Tis a habit, I'm afraid.)

Oh dammit and I thought my DS1 was literally perfect

LMto2 - hugs - she sounds exactly like my mother. I know it can be frustrating and tiring and have no advice to proffer other than empathy and hugs.

TheProvincialLady, of course he's perfect! Aren't they all? (Well. Except when mine screams all night. Then he's a little sod.)

By the way - please tell me you're named for E M Delafield?

I certainly am. She is my heroine. Well, I like her books anyway.

Coming from a family who delight in this rubbish the advise I can offer is DO NOT ENGAGE!

Just say that's lovely when she starts do not mention dc's achievments - it will really piss her pff and go off snurking to yourself she's tied up in knots

I'm evil - it's a gift

dxx

I would agree with others-don't engage. You can stop getting annoyed if you turn it into a game and make a mental tally of the times she tries to do it-have a guess first and see if you are right.
Just smile serenely and say 'I'm enjoying the baby stage-he will do it in his own time'and change the subject.If you repeat the same sentence every time she will get the message. Don't let her see that you are rattled.
You have to feel sorry for her DC and she will find eventually that she has no control-wanting a DC to do something or be something doesn't mean it will happen.

YANBU. Just tell her that all cbabies decelop at thier own rate and you do are not bothered about who reaches which milesotne first.

my sil sounds just like yours. her ds is 14 years older than mine and she actually digs out his old red book so she can compare their weights. it would be funny if it wasn't so bloody irritating.

I think she must be a bit insecure...using yours as a benchmark constantly. Some people are just like this.

I had a friend like this (had!), and when she went on I used to say, 'God I used to really hate women who went on about how clever /gorgeous /advanced their babies were...because lets face it they can't all be, can they...but you just can't help it, can you?' Her face was an absolute picture!