to think my parents are taking the p*ss?

[pfft]

They are furious with me because we have politely declined their invitation to go on holiday with them at Xmas.

We would've been paying our own way. However, they are paying for my sister & her family to go with them, because it is such a struggle for my sister & family to be three people on a single salary. My BIL's salary is >15 times mine or my DP's, and until she decided to not go back to work some years ago, my sister's salary was > 10 times mine.

My parents have paid off my sister's university debt; they paid for her totally OTT social life and her taking twice as long as normal to finish a basic university degree; they paid for her entire (large, expensive) wedding; they paid for more than half her house; they buy new cars and give her their old one, free, every couple of years; they have recently bought her a fridge and a new washing machine; they buy all her and her son's clothes; they are paying for her son to go to expensive prep school and will pay for public school later... and to top it all, they do all my sister's food shopping!

I paid my own way through school and university on scholarships. I have paid for every single thing myself - holidays, food, clothes, rent - since I was 16. I live in a different country from them now, but was in the same city for 10 years, while they paid for whatever my sister wanted. We couldn't afford to have a wedding. My ds will go to the local government schools.

My parents explain this as "oh you are so much more independent than your sister, and you have the potential to do whatever you want, we're just trying to help her along so that she can have some of the wonderful experiences you've already had".... experiences that come directly from career choice and bloody hard work, paid for entirely by scholarships and research grants!

How can they think she needs to be helped along if she is a corporate lawyer???

My parents are mildly like this - making a big show of giving us some money towards our first flats, but pointedly giving my three siblings twice the amount I got, with some dubious excuse. Also had very beautiful hand painted plates made for the others when they got married, but not for me for a load of other dubious reasons. etc etc etc

It's all just a trickle of put downs, but not nearly as blatant as for you. I feel so angry at times, so you must want to explode.

I am particularly angry for you that they are paying for your nephew to go to private school and not your DS. It is just so spiteful that they have transferred their inability to show you love to your son as well.

I think you need a break from them - what are you getting from them anyway, apart from humiliation and hurt? They are affecting you too much. They don't give you anything positive, so why try to put anything back?

If they adore your sister so much, then let them make do with her. What is her take on this? Does she feel entitled to better treatment than you?

It is interesting as well that they always trot out the "you're so independent" line.

Clearly this is the thing that your mother dislikes the most about you. Whereas your DSis has learnt to play the poor little girl who needs her mummy role very well.

I am shocked by your post pfft... but not surprised... having seen how my inlaws favour one of their kids too... hurts my hubby no end

We spoke to the inlaws about certain things once - glaringly obvious things that were WRONG WRONG WRONG... and they denied it all and turned it around, making us (especially me, as troublesome new DIL) sound bad saying it was all in our heads and we were only causing trouble. Coming from a family with NO favouritsm, the way they treated their kids so unequally was amazing.

We moved 6,000 miles away from them... helped loads ;)

I find it amazing how your folks have separated themselves from you via their favouritism.. yet they complain when (it suits them) to see you and spend time with you. They want everything THEIR way.

What does your hubby say? Maybe he should phone up (more neutral than you), say 'thanks for invite, but you have made Christmas plans already. Where should we send the gifts?'

Please don't allow them to lay guilt trips on you - because that's what they do. It's just not on.

Re confronting them with how they treat daughters differently.. I am afraid their bad behaviour may not be believed or acknowledged at all...

That's awful.

I am an only child so a bit stifled - but my parents are always trying to help and on my side. DH has a brother and PILs are always very fair - to the point that I find amusing, like they'll send us a cheque for £20 because they gave DBIL that to go out for a meal when he was a student...that sort of thing! I complain about both sets of parents but I am lucky to have generous and fair parents and PILs.

They sound exactly like my parents and I think dollius is spot on that they prefer to be needed. It's very frustrating.

In my case I wonder if the fact that my sister was very sickly as a baby has anything to do with it.

What Blinks said.

I'm really sorry. This must hurt a great deal, and they're being outrageous to you.

Have a hug, I bet it hurts no end. However, console yourself with your dh and ds; and have a fab Christmas without your family about. My rule for Christmas is that it happens in my home; if people want to come and see me fine; but I don't care if they don't.

Also,imagine having to live with all that gratitude all the time hanging over you. Is your sis able to make a decision without your mum's permission? You do it your way, you are right and they are so so wrong.

This reminds me of dh's family. When SIL got married, they paid for her entire wedding, half the cost of her flat and all her furniture/ furnishings.

When we got married we got a lovely set of saucepans.

MIL is always going on about SIL, what a wonderful daughter she is, how much she has achieved, blah blah blah.

When dh confronted them one day they got very angry and told him he was jealous because she had done so well in life (I would be better off too with no mortgage to pay and most of my foodbills halved!) and accused ME of being moneygrabbing. I wasn't even there and hadn't told him to confront them - it's his business to sort out.

I think there is no solution, I'm afraid. Just keep contact to a minimum and do your best to smile and think of sunny holidays in the Carribean when they are talking about the favoured offspring.

YAreally, really NBU. And your parents are BU. You know that, though (guess everyone else does, too.)

If you feel like it, point out the favouritism to them - stick to the most recent events otherwise you'll be on the phone all night. But - and I hate to say this - be prepared not to get the sense you need out of them.

They may be great and try to fix things. But they may be terribly threatened by the truth and turn on you - nasty people tend to get nastier under duress. = they may make the situation worse.

For what it's worth, scapegoating and favouritism of this nature is well-known in shrink-type circles, and, is taken increasingly seriously as emotional abuse.

Try and remember this is their problem, not yours. Are you scared of them? Just a little bit? Don't be.

Distance yourself and let them do the running. Be light, bright and polite when you speak - but keep the distance.

Blimey, why on earth does your mother think that you might actually want to go on holiday with them when she speaks to you like that?!

Hold your head up high because at least you don't have to thank them for anything!

Isn't your sis embarrassed by the disparity between the two of you?

I find it quite embarrassing that we benefit so much by having my mum living with us. We get, eg, a new dishwasher for Xmas, while my brothers get nice stuff but not much in comparison. They say that having her living with us is worth its weight in gold, but I'm still incredibly aware of the difference.

Doesn't you sister feel bad about it? I'm really shocked.

there is one advantage to me whingeing on MN - I get to find out that my parents aren't the only nutcases about this kind of thing!

My DP just amiably thinks my parents are nuts. He cheerfully declines opportunities to talk to them about anything, let alone this kind of thing - not that I would ask him to - my mother would've preferred me to marry someone else (one of my sisters exes, a banker whom I loathed) and has never let me forget it.

We'll have a wonderful Christmas to ourselves, and not tell the silly family about secret plans to let DS audition in January for the local choir schools - and thus - hopefully - get him the musical & general education we can't afford any other way.

(That opens up a whole different can of worms if DS cottons on that there is a hierarchy of chapel choirs and schools, and the state school + choir option is the least prestigious... but I'll save that for another thread and cross my fingers )

It's all about control really, isn't it?

Your mother loves you in proportion to the amount she can control you. You are "independent" and therefore less deserving of her love because she cannot mould you into what she wants you to be like a toy doll - something owned by her.

Although it may seem your sister has the best deal here, she is probably highly controlled by your mother. I'm surprised her DH is happy with the situation - surely if he is a highly-paid lawyer, he is in a very good position to provide for his own family without hand-outs from your parents. Must be a bit humiliating for him having them pay the school fees?

Or perhaps he likes to keep his money to himself.

Most men would be uncomfortable with this I think.

In a way you can be glad that they didn't give them anything and you achieved so much on your own; you can hold your head up high and know that you don't owe them anything.

X-posted. Seeing as your mother felt it was her right to choose your husband for you, I'd say the control thing is spot on.

How utterly inappropriate!

Have you read The Believers by Zoe Heller? Your mother is really reminding me of the awful Audrey in that. It could make you laugh.

I think you have to tell yourself that your mother has lost a lot by refusing to engage with you as her child. It is her problem, and actually has nothing to do with you. She resents you for a whole host of arbitrary reasons, none of which you can do anything about.

Oh dear pfft, I've just my trying-to-be-helpful thoughts and worry they sound rather bleak.

But imo keeping your distance and acknowledging it's the grim parentals not you being difficult and crazy should make you feel miles better. Keeping your distance can surprisingly improve mood - try it for a couple of months and see.

Check out some other threads too - if there's one constant in favouritism, it's that practically everyone experiences it at some stage (not as badly as you tho') and any call for assistance is deluged with other mumsnetters telling you their own stories.

Don't wish to return to the bleakness, but are you happy with how they behave to your son? Might be worth keeping an eye.

And what bleh said.

You should feel sorry for your sister actually, it sounds like she is trapped in a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your mother, which is probably poisonous.

And, it also seems that you are looking to do the best for your DS (despite what your mother says).

I met tons of people at Uni who went to prep and then public schools. A lot of them dropped out and couldn't cope because they were used to everything handed to them. recently, I went to a friend's birthday and there were a number of his Eton-Harrow buddies there (who didn't give me the time of day at uni) and one of them asked what I do, so I said what my job is, what do you do? He looked a bit taken aback and came out with: "Oh, so you have a real job. I'm a, erm, estate agent".

I'm not surprised your corporate lawyer sister and BIL are happy to grab handouts from your parents, tbh. SOME well-off people are very grasping despite having more than enough in the first place.

Your parents are shit, but you know that.

Oh, and cheer up point III - at least you don't owe them anything much, which will come in jolly handy when they get old and needy. Your DS' time will come..... [high-court judge looking firm but fair emoticon]

And here's downer point number IV - then they will leave everything to the Dsis...

thanks everyone. You've all been most helpful.

I looked up The Believers - from the Times review it sounds just like my family and nearly all my parents' friends' families! Shall have a good (bittersweet) laugh over it...

WRT their behaviour towards DS vs his cousin, I try to make sure it never makes any difference to him. I think even now my cutie monkey DS realises that Granny and Grandpa are just not as much fun as most other people, for any of us.

He just asked me why I said "SILLY SILLY people grrrrr" on the phone to Daddy, and I explained that Grandma drove me nuts sometimes - and he said

"Yes she's silly. and she makes [cousin] cross too because she only ever asks him about school. and Grandpa can't say anyhting in front of her. Poor Grandpa."

Perceptive monkey!

Oh poo. Just did some homework re the choir school audition plan and realised we've got to leave it a year or two whether we like it or not, as DS is currently too young. Another year or more of us teaching him bad singing and violin technique!

So no getting out of dear mother's comments about state schools, and dear sister snarking about ds's lack of violin technique (fgs he's 4 !!!), but hey ho.... Nearly everyone else seems to survive the local school's reception class etc ok...

Crikey, my DS is 4 and I wouldn't even attempt to get him to play the violin.

He can barely munch a piece of apple and walk in a straight line at the same time.

I honestly think you have to feel sorry for someone who is competitive about her nephew's violin technique. She really needs to get a life.

I would also say that you shouldn't listen to what your mother says about state schools.

I also had an expensive private education and my parents are also utter snobs about it, but I am sending my son to a state primary because we also don't earn vast amounts, and there are very very many truly excellent state schools.

Primary education has improved dramatically since we were at that stage. (70s for me and 80s for my youngest sibling)

How do you get on with your sister? Has your mum's favouritism affected your relationship with her?