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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tell the whole truth to my parents?

15 replies

dinkle · 14/06/2009 17:24

I have been unwell for a while and been in and out of hospital. Talking to my neurologist it seems that it is possible now that I have the start of Multiple Sclerosis but it will take a while to get a true diagnosis. My parents know some bits about my illness but I have been keeping quite a lot of details back about some of my symptoms and what the neuro said. Partly it's because I hate fuss and partly not to worry them.

As a family we have had a difficult time, my husband left me a couple of years ago and I am single mum to 10 and 11 year old. My eldest is on the austistic spectrum and going through a rough time with his confidence. My sister's baby died at birth a couple of months ago which was just the worst time of our lives.

I know if my kids kept important stuff from me I would go mad! But I always find it easiest to deal with things myself and can't stand being fussed over. Yet I feel desperately lonely and scared at the moment, as much as I have good friends to talk to I've just got to get on with it...what else is there to do? My parents would just start flapping around and getting in a state.

Should I morally tell my parents the truth or is it ok to just tell them as little as possible?

OP posts:

cocolepew · 14/06/2009 17:26

I think you should tell them, but also let them know you don't want them fussing (easier said than done). I hate being fussed over too.

Sorry to hear about your illness, take care x.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/06/2009 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

curiositykilled · 14/06/2009 17:32

I think you should tell them, it's something they need to know. You might need help with your children at some point and you don't want to put all the pressure onto them (the children). It'd be good if they were able to talk to their grandparents about it all too.

Roobie · 14/06/2009 17:36

Sorry to hear about all you have been going through. I would just do exactly what you feel like doing without thinking about whether it is 'right' or not. I'm guessing you will tell them sooner or later so I don't see any harm in keeping things quite for the time being if that is simply what you feel like doing.

Presumably the trigger point will come when you get the full diagnosis and this will then be some definitive news you can impart?

TripleTroubleMuffin · 14/06/2009 17:38

I think you need to tell them too. They might be hurt that you didn't and if you are lucky, you have parents who care and want to fuss around you. Do tell them you will do as much as you can but call them if you need them. That way you will get the space you want but they will still feel like they can help. They are your parents and it is their job.

Ivykaty44 · 14/06/2009 17:41

You have to decide when is the right time to tell your parents, and you are going to have to let them know your diagnosise.

I bet they know more than you think now - just go easy and get them lots of info so they have some idea of what the condition is about.

chegirl · 14/06/2009 17:42

Hi dinkle

I understand totally why you dont want to tell your parents.

Not wanting to worry them or upset them after all the horrible things that have happened is NOT a good reason though.

Not telling them because they will freak out and make you feel scared and anxious is.

How do you think your folks will react?

If they are sensible, loving parents you perhaps should find a way. Maybe armed with as much info as possible about your diagnosis. People are terrified of MS and always think the worse. Once they have more info its usually easier for them to cope.

You need your family around you. Dont try and do it all alone. If it was one of your kids I bet you would be devastated if they didnt share such important info with you.

Its never easy to tell people you love something that will worry or hurt them. I have a lot of experience of doing so and I wish I hadnt. But ALL of my family (even mad mum) came up trumps.

I hope you come to some sort of resolution.

My OH has MS btw.

Original poster

dinkle · 14/06/2009 17:52

It is out of selfishness, I know how they will react and it will be completely over the top...blimey when my DH left you would have thought the world was going to end! I am quite practical and laid back mostly and happy to just get on with whatever is happening, even when it wasn't quite what I had planned (DH leaving turned out to be best thing that happened to me in years!)

This one is pushing me to the limits on that though and I am having quite a wobble. I will, of course, one day have to explain to them more if it is indeed MS...it's just I don't want to for as long as I can.

I feel like I need to get my head round it first, if that makes sense. But that involves quite a lot of lying to them in the meantime and I just not sure if that seems ok or not.

OP posts:

duchesse · 14/06/2009 18:00

I think you will know when the time is right to tell them. It may not be straight away from what you say, but there may come a time when you need support from your family and will need to share this with them. They will notice you having setbacks. If you see the looking dreadfully worried about you, you may have to judge then that the time is right to tell them.

NormaSknockers · 14/06/2009 18:03

I'm really sorry to hear all that you are/have gone through.

I think you should tell them, but only when you feel ready to, you'll know when the time is right.

chegirl · 14/06/2009 18:04

You know them best, you know YOU best.

You are best qualified to decide when and how much you tell them.

You are not doing anything wrong.

You will have to tell them one day but you dont have to tell them 'I have known for ages but I didnt tell you'

MS is not like that anyway. Thats why it takes a long time to diagnose. It behaves weirdly and comes and goes.

When you decide to tell them you can tell them the truth. 'I had some funny symptoms for a while but its only just been confirmed. I didnt know enough before to tell you anything'.

IF it is MS that is.

Dont feel bad about what you decide to do.

welshone51 · 14/06/2009 18:08

It is your decision completely but you may be surprised by how strong your parents are, with all you have been through you have remained a strong close family unit. You may need time and space to digest the information, to work out what to do next and what and who you shall tell.

Have you looked into support groups which may be able to give you advice so then you are better prepared to share the information?

Remember no one is going to judge you for trying to do the right thing and to protect the people you love.

ReneRusso · 14/06/2009 18:23

morally you don't need to tell them anything, tell them when you're ready.

2rebecca · 14/06/2009 18:37

I'd put yourself first and do what you are happiest with. I rarely tell my parents anything medical as they just fuss and worry, and often tests etc come back clear. In your case it's different, but it depends on whether you think your parents knowing at this stage will be a help or a hindrance. If I had early MS I probably wouldn't as I would be imagining them watching me closely for signs of illness and fussing and I hate being fussed over. If it started to affect my functioning and I wanted to discuss it with them and have them support me emotionally then I would tell them.

ChippingIn · 14/06/2009 20:23

Sorry you are going through this.

You need to do what is right for you, that is the bottom line.

My parents live overseas, they worry - even when there isn't a single thing to worry about - so, I edit what I tell them, limit things and sometimes put a positive spin on something I don't actually feel the slightest bit positive about. What's the point in worrying them, when there is nothing they can do to help and would just cause all of us more stress....

I know your parents live closer and you feel like you are 'lying' to them, but just see how it goes, you'll tell them when you are ready - or at least - when it seems like the best thing to do x

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