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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to give up work and just be at home with kids?

24 replies

missjules · 10/06/2009 09:19

I have just returned to work from second maternity leave and don't want to be here. On paper I have the perfect set up - teacher, 3 days a week, home in time to give DD and DS supper, school holidays off etc. But feel so torn leaving them. DP is supportive and says I can quit if that is what I really want but is worried that if I do leave I may find it hard to ever go back, confidence etc. He also believes a big part in the failure of his parents marriage is that his, housewife, mother resented his father. At the moment its not even really a financial decision as by the time I have paid childcare I take home very small pay packet.

As a woman brought up to believe I could have it all should I feel guilty for wanting to be a SAHM for a bit? If I leave will I get bored and never have the confidence to go back to work and become frustrated and resentful?

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 10/06/2009 09:39

I worked and then retrained as a teacher, so I worked from when I graduated in 1990 to 2006 when I moved abroad to be with dh.

I am really enjoying my time off. My ds was nearly 11 when we moved, and I can't recall really ever having spent so much time with him, and getting to know him better.

You have to do what's right for you. If you feel you need to keep your brain in gear do some courses with the OU for instance that you can do in the evening when the kids are in bed.
I look on the time I am having off paid employment as a little oasis of calm and time to reflect on what I want to do next. Go for it., bringing up children is one of the most important things you will ever do, why feel guilty about taking the time out to do it if you can without working.

sharkyandgeorge · 10/06/2009 09:40

Does it have to be a choice between working and not working, if you are worried about cutting it off completely is there anyway you can keep your hand in with doing some private tutoring or some other more flexible work you could do in your own time around the children?

Saying that if you are just back from maternity leave then maybe it is just a natural adjustment to being back at work, how would you feel giving yourself a bit more time before making nay decisions?

Stigaloid · 10/06/2009 09:49

No one can answer those questions except for you. We don't know your confidence levels or anything about your employment ability. I would say though that it is your life, you only have one shot at it, I would do what makes you happy. If it doesn't work out and you want to go back to work, go back to work. Schools always want good teachers. Your kids are only young once and if you want to spend more time with them then do it. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM. And your DH's mother may have resented bieng forced to stay at home, whereby you are making the decision to do it yourself. Very different scenario.

Stigaloid · 10/06/2009 09:50

being not bieng - my spelling is atrocious today! [shame]

usedtoreadbooks · 10/06/2009 09:53

What Stigaloid said. I have just left work to be SAHM - had little choice as we moved abroad for DH's work. Am loving being at home with DD, who is 20m, and she is thriving too. Great decision if you can afford to do it.

belgo · 10/06/2009 10:11

I'm a SAHM. I'm looking at going back to studying or working, and having been at home these last few years, it's all the more harder to go back.

I think you should keep your job. It will get easier to combine the two.

belgo · 10/06/2009 10:15

I have enjoyed being a SAHM though. But it is harder to get back into paid work if you are out of it too long, and it may well effect your confidence.

Also if your dh is ever moade redundant that it does help if you have a job.

BonsoirAnna · 10/06/2009 10:18

No woman should be made to feel guilty for wanting to be a SAHM - it is quite natural and normal to want to take care of your own small children.

belgo · 10/06/2009 10:27

No of course you shouldn't feel guilty for being a SAHM. But it is useful to be aware of some of the possible drawbacks.

Ginnifer · 10/06/2009 10:34

Exactly what BonsoirAnna said. If your instinct tells you you want to be with your children then go for it. You never know what will happen in the future anyway, so trust your instinct and enjoy your kids.

I'm also working only three days a week but wish I didn't have to, so I feel for you. I'm a single mum though, with an enormous mortgage, so this is the best I can do.

sunnydelight · 10/06/2009 10:44

As a teacher you are probably in a better position than a lot of people to go back to work at a later stage if you want. You can work again, you can't get your kids' childhood back so if you really want to be with them and can afford to do so, why not go for it. It doesn't have to be forever. I became a full time SAHM when my third child was 3 (eldest was 12 at that stage) and I am really enjoying it. Not so sure I'd have been up to it with a housefull of pre-schoolers though, but that's just me!

Kayteee · 10/06/2009 10:46

Could you do home-tutoring? You know, for other kids, part-time, in your own home?

amidaiwish · 10/06/2009 10:50

i would say that if you have just gone back post maternity leave you should give it a chance, because on paper you do really have a good balance.

why not give it until christmas and then make the decision?

i don't know about the teaching profession, but in mine (research/marketing) it is definitely harder/impossible to get back in at the same level/pay if you are out for a few years.

Original poster

missjules · 10/06/2009 11:50

thanks for all the advice . I know that I am really lucky that I even have the choice. I also know that it could just be initial misgivings having only just come back. But I work in an inner-city school and feels ridiculous that I am leaving my babies to go and crowd control a bunch of rude teenagers!

good advice on the tutoring, thanks.

Belgo - do you regret being a SAHM?

OP posts:

belgo · 10/06/2009 12:38

no not really, it's just the way things have worked out. If I could have kept my job part time, I would have, but that wasn't an option.

Bettymum · 10/06/2009 12:40

missjules I would give it at least three months before you decide. I was really excited when I went back to work, but now the novelty has worn off and I wish I wasn't putting DD in full time nursery, although it is a wonderful nursery. I would love to be at home with her. It does sound on paper like you have quite a good balance though - three days working and four days with the DC's. Maybe the rude teenagers need your calming influence

peanutbrittle · 10/06/2009 12:42

do it. I felt exactly the same about going back after DD2 was born, we couldn't afford for me not to work but the feelings never went away and I am really sad that she is now about to start school and I will never have the chance to have those long days with her at such a lovely age again

I so wish I could have done it

do it for me

and I agree, as a teacher surely you have best set up in the world to go back if/when you need to

do what makes you happy, cahneg it when it stops, don't agonise, go with your intuition

hedgiemum · 10/06/2009 12:51

I agree with others - ime teaching is one of the best jobs to take a break from and then go back to. I have several friends who have just returned to teaching after gaps of 6-8 years. (They both planned on staying home to look after their DC, then started interviewing for positions just as their youngest started school, and realised that it wasn't going to affect their employability if they had another year or two to themselves first!

You could think about doing something once a weeks that helps you keep up some professional skills, as much to allay your DH's fears as anything else. Whether its tutoring, a bit of voluntary class-time (hearing kids read?) at a local school, becoming a governor at a local school, an evening course, volunteering at a local youth club or similar.

OrmIrian · 10/06/2009 12:55

Only you can say what is right for you. But I would suggest giving it some time. Settling back in is hard. It took me some time each time I did it. If you feel the same a few months down the line, review the situation.

Original poster

missjules · 10/06/2009 13:33

volunteering at local school is a fab idea - especially as is where I hope DD will go so can check it out! and I really enjoy working one to one with students. thanks hedgiemum

OP posts:

Original poster

missjules · 10/06/2009 15:00

Thanks for all the advice. As long as I can convince DP that I won't become a tennis playing, frustrated housewife who opts out of ever working again and that my headteacher lets me out of contract early, I think I am going to go for it.

OP posts:

VanB · 10/06/2009 15:59

Good luck - let us know how it goes.

I'm sure if you do volunteer (might be worth also considering guides/scouts/cadets - they always need people who can teach) it will show that you care about teaching and have maintained soem interest/skills.

I would love to give up work - I've set up on my own but have just found out I'm expecting again so am really struggling to see how I'll manage with two.

ChippingIn · 11/06/2009 01:57

missjules - let us know how it goes with your HT. Good Luck x

VanB - what are you doing - feel free to tell me to mind my own . My friend is running her own business that was running well with 1 DS, now with 2DS's and it's no picnic - but she's coping.

vaseofwildflowers · 11/06/2009 02:10

You could always keep your oar in, as it were, as a supply teacher if you felt sahm was a bit boring after a while.

But I agree with the others, little children are only little once, this is only a very short stage in their lives so go with your instincts and the best of luck

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