in not wanting my mum's friend around?

[Lissya]

I will be returning to work in a few months time and my mum will look after my DD for one day a week.

My mum has many friends and family including one friend who has had quite a few personal problems in recent years and has some issues with drink and drugs in the past. She doesn't drink or do drugs any more, which I admire her for, but is still working through her issues with councellors etc and can sometimes be quite fragile.

This friend is a nice person and I feel sympathetic to her problems and her past, however, I don't want her to be around when my mum is looking after DD.

It's not that I feel she presents any danger to DD, she is harmless. But my mum is the sort who would see it as a positive thing for the friend to spend time with the baby and help care for her (almost as therapy) and I just don't want my DD being almost used as a therapy tool as it were.

AIBU in asking my mum that on the day she has DD that I don't want the friend to be around or involved with DD in any way, or should I just accept that if my mum is taking care of DD then if her day includes seeing this friend amongst other things then that is her choice (and not mine)?

I think if your mum is doing you a favour by looking after your baby and this woman is harmless, YABU to dictate to her whom she can see on the one day she has your DD. It doesn't actually matter to your DD if she has another adult fussing over her and it will matter to your mother if you tell her not to see her friend on that day.

She is definitely harmless or I wouldn't even be asking the q as it would not be happening, its just that I am quite nervous about leaving DD anyway.

The friend doesn't work (never really has) so has time to spare. I can imagine my mum sayingo friend who's popped round "why don't you change/feed/play with baby etc" and this bothers me on another level as I have to work as we need the money (DH is being made redundant too) but would love to be able to SAH and take care of my DD myself.

I agree with Sly.

YABU, but I do understand your feelings, it is just that it is unreasonable to act on them.

Lissya, that's just about jealousy though isn't it? Which all of us who have to work f/t probably feel sometimes in relation to childcarers. But if you say something to your mother you are putting a strain on your relationship with her because of feelings you have which are perfectly explicable and natural for you to have but which would be unreasonable for you to act on, Who is looking after your DD on the other days? Won't you feel jealous in relation to them also? Why your mother's friend in particular? Do you think she would not do those things competently? surely your mother would supervise?

DD will be in nursery on other days.

Its hard to explain but I think it's because this friend is quite a needy person and I just don't like the thought that my DD would be therapy of some sort over and above the normal delight that most people take in a baby. My mum is an amateur psychologist and would love to see friend developing a sense of belonging and wellbeing and responsibility etc all through helping care for a young baby. I just want my mum looking after my DD not anyone else changing and feeding her (although playing is fine).

Yes my mum would supervise and I don't think she would let friend take DD out on her own or anything (but AIBU in at least checking with her that she wouldn't?)

A little YABU - I am sure your mum would not do anything to put baby at risk. If you are letting her look after child for one day a week then you have to give over control for that day (unless she actually does something dangerous).

I would have said YABU on the point of who can visit your mum when she is caring for your DD, especially since you say she is no danger to your DD. BUT I would be very uncomfortable with the idea of my DC being used as a therapy tool, what would happen if circumstances changed and your mother no longer cared for your DD, that could have a negative effect on her friends recovery. It could also mean this friend becomes very attached and emotionally dependent on your DD, it could turn out to be a huge pressure on yourself and DD to make her available to this friend.
YANBU I would say no friend/therapy sessions involving DD.

Oh and in terms of jealousy, I don't feel jealous of nursery staff, or my mum for taking care of DD. What irks me is that the friend isn't bothered about working, which is something I can't afford not to do if I want a better future for my DD.

Let me clarify that when I say "therapy" I mean in a completely unofficial way in the sense that chatting to a friend is therapeutic, going to the hairdressers is therapeutic, getting a new lipstick is therapeutic etc.

I don't mean in any structured way whatsoever and I stress there is no risk whatsoever or it would be a no-brainer. I am talking about something more subtle than that.

The friend doesn't visit regularly, sometimes she is around more than other times like friends are, so it wouldn't be an every week occurence.

I ABU aren't I.... Thanks, I did think I was a little bit and I don't want to offend my mum and this friend is a nice person too.

I think it's just nerves about leaving PFB for the first time!!

I understand, but still think you'd BU to ask your mum to change her plans. Perhaps try to stop seeing this as 'my baby as therapy tool', and start seeing it as an added bonus of having a baby in the house. In fact, I think I'd be quite proud if I thought my baby had inadvertently helped someone feel better about life.

with regards to changing and feeding you MAY just about be able to get away with saying something to your mum about wanting her to do all the feeding so that LO can form an attachment with one person wrt feeding... but that's about as far as you can push it i think without sounding a bit over protective and jealous... you can't really ask this friend not to be allowed to play with your DD or even be around imo.