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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think to to put parents instead of Father and Mother would be better

54 replies

Northernlurker · 05/06/2009 16:19

on the home - school agreement we've just receieved for dd1's new school.

At the bottom you have to sign to say you will be good support the school. There are two spaces one (the top one) for father's signature, the lower one for mother's signature.

Now I'm not too happy with the ordering of the signatures (why does father come first? Alpahabetical or something more sinister and patriarchal? ) but what's really bugging me is the assumption that every child has one father and one mother.

What about gay and lesbian parents? What about the family where the step-parent is the present one and the biological parent lives on the other side of the world? What about the family with a biological parent who lives in Scotland so it will be the step-parent doing all the day to day stuff? What about the child whose parents are dead and who lives with grandparents or friends?

Am I being unreasonable to think they should just put parents/guardians?

OP posts:
plimple · 05/06/2009 18:09

I'm certain when I was at school it said parent/guardian. It must've been an error and should be brought to their attention as most teachers are very careful to say "parents or carers" in Assemblies and class because of kids in care etc.

londonone · 05/06/2009 18:09

Sorry I disagree, as I said I don't think this is comparable to racist language etc at all. I think you would have to choose to be offended by the form. You might think it a bit odd or you might think they could have done better but to actually be OFFENDED, I think you would have to be very over sensitive.

plimple · 05/06/2009 18:10

They'll probably be grateful to you.

Wonderstuff · 05/06/2009 18:11

I think that using such wording has the potential to cause great offense to some pupils. If they are looked after or one parent is deceased. It implies a norm that doesn't exist for some. Is unnesserceraly insensitive.

BelleWatling · 05/06/2009 18:12

When I was at primary school (early 80s) they had School Governor election forms to hand out. The teachers stood at the front of the class and asked all the children who just had one parent living at home to come to the front to pick up one ballot form. They would then hand the other envelopes containing 2 ballot forms out to the rest of the children.

I think we were about 7 or 8. I was the only one to walk to the front. I remember being a bit at the time - I laugh about it now .

YANBU. Children can see school documents and are very sensitive about not fitting in or having any kind of unconventional home-life. The school should make sure that the language it uses is inclusive - this sets the tone for how people treat each other.

londonone · 05/06/2009 18:13

Also why don't you leave it to someone who actually is offended, I can't stand all this being offended on someone elses behalf. Of course perhaps no one will actually be offended!

londonone · 05/06/2009 18:15

Belle - that's completely different.

londonone · 05/06/2009 18:15

Belle - that's completely different.

londonone · 05/06/2009 18:16

Northern - You seem to be suggesting parents is OK in your thread title, that could be seen as equally exclusive.

BelfastBloke · 05/06/2009 18:18

Kimi: "I got hacked off on the anti natal forms it had partner, I crossed it out and wrote HUSBAND in big red letters"

Well aren't you the rebel? Bring back the 1950's, eh?

Shouldn't you have been signing the pro-natal forms, anyway? Why are you anti-natal?

BonsoirAnna · 05/06/2009 18:20

At my DD's French school we have the choice between father / mother / guardian.

But, to my intense annoyance, fathers are considered to be Parent Numero Uno. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrr

LovelyTinOfSpam · 05/06/2009 18:22

ROFL @ pro-natal!

rupertsabear · 05/06/2009 18:29

Anna, yes French school here too and same thing. Why?

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/06/2009 18:32

This reply has been deleted

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RumourOfAHurricane · 05/06/2009 18:39

This reply has been deleted

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Morloth · 05/06/2009 18:44

Was the letter actually addressed to you? It is possible they used the signature block that fit your family.

When I am preparing affidavits etc I have a bunch of appropriate signature blocks that I copy/paste in and then adjust accordingly.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 05/06/2009 19:00

Londonone - 'parents' does not exclude same sex couples and whilst it should be coupled with some other term such as carers it's imo better than what they have now which is why I put it in the thread title.

It's slightly amusing that you wish to pick me up on my choice of words whilst telling me I'm over-reacting for doing the same thing as far as this school is concerned...

As for being offended on somebody else's behalf - that's part of being a good citizen to me.

Anna - I can't believe that! What a good job I don't live in France - my overthinking would reach untold heights

Morloth - it wasn't a letter as such - it's their standard new pupil form.

OP posts:
Madmentalbint · 05/06/2009 19:08

Our school just puts parent/guardian at the end of their letters.

YANBU.

StealthPolarBear · 05/06/2009 19:11

"By all means advise that person why it is offensive and explain why they shouldn't use it "
Pretty much what NL suggested she would do in her OP!

If she had come on ranting and swearing then I would think she wbu but the thread title was calm, as was the OP. I think some of you are seeing offence when there isn't any!

Yes, most children have a mother and a father. Does that mean we shouldn't even take the wishes of the rest into account? It's not as if the majority have to be disadvantaged by that!

onagar · 05/06/2009 19:27

I reckon technically it is wrong, but not meant to be offensive in any way so not worth getting too bothered about. I was a step-parent and wouldn't have been upset by it.

NooNoo5 · 05/06/2009 20:32

I'm sorry but get a life. There's more things to worry about in life than this. I don;t htink lesbians and gays or step parents give it a second thought don't so the worrying on anybody else's part, Yo'll probably find they couldn't care less, unless they are really "right on" just chill a bit.

NooNoo5 · 05/06/2009 20:42

I'm sorry but get a life. There's more to worry about in life than this. I don't think lesbian and gays or step parents give it a second thought so don't do the worrying on anybody else's part. You'll probably find they couldn't care less, unless they are really "right on" just chill a bit. Make school life as easy as possible for children don't go nit-picking and fault-finding because in the end the children suffer when parents constantly criticise the school(Had to re-type this message so het up first time. Can't belive the triviality)!!

MissSunny · 06/06/2009 00:31

Message withdrawn

thirtypence · 06/06/2009 00:56

Ds's first school had parent/guardian/carer.

Ds's present school has father and mother (in that order). For them I think it's father first as it's a boys school and they may have to reference the father's name to assign a house etc. if father was an old boy.

I teach a girl with two mothers and they would just cross out the father bit and write mother again - or if the line was long enough they would just both sign the mother line.

I think it would be more important to have clarity as to other guardian who may be signing ie foster parent or grandparent, so perhaps the form should be changed for that reason rather than to avoid offence.

BonsoirAnna · 06/06/2009 09:42

I filled out the annual form that DD's school sends out in order to check for changes in address, telephone number etc only last week and was sorely tempted to manually correct the school's assumption that DP should be "parent no 1" and I "parent no 2". I find it so offensive...

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