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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to NOT want to send my dad a father's day card?

18 replies

bohemianbint · 03/06/2009 09:26

Loads of well documented problems recently, but my father refusing to speak to me at my wedding and making a horrible speech (designed to stick the boot into my mother, rather than say anything nice about me) has left me at a point where I haven't really seen or spoken to him since. Am not cutting him out as such, I just can't take the constant crap that comes with contact. Having just organised a wedding, a house sale and purchase, trying to get the whole relocation thing sorted (partly to be far away from it all) and the daily grind of having two very young children has left me with no more energy in the bank to deal with it any more.

I can't very well not send him a card, and no doubt I will. But I really don't feel like he deserves one at the moment, and certainly not one of those gushy "fabulous father" efforts. AIBU?

OP posts:

flamingobingo · 03/06/2009 09:29

YANBU to not want to send one, but, from experience, I would say it's worth the effort to keep communication lines open as far as possible.

I haven't seen my dad for 3 years, and I know, now, that he's probably terrified of meeting up with us, because of being such a shit dad and grandpa. It's a huge deal and if I had my time again, I would have been the grown up one and made sure that we saw eachother more regularly and had more contact. There is such long gaps between phone calls, that each time it's a really big deal for me, and I think it is for him too.

Just keep the communication to a bare minimum - enough to not make it a huge issue, but not so much that you're getting upset IYSWIM.

drlove8 · 03/06/2009 09:44

I wouldnt send a card if you dont want to... there are lots of threads about crapola parents. Most of the advice is if the person is toxic, cut them out of your life. You dont need the heartache and only have people in your life who need you in theirs. Have a lovely day on sunday- make it a "kids day" instead of a "fathers day" ,and do something fun with your DC .

ruddynorah · 03/06/2009 09:46

you don't have to. he didn't feel bad about the horridness at your wedding so why would you feel bad about not sending a card.

take control, don't send the card.

JenniPenni · 03/06/2009 09:50

I wouldn't send a card.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 03/06/2009 11:51

Really? Not even for the moral high ground?

OP posts:

Original poster

bohemianbint · 03/06/2009 11:52

Am quite tempted to send a really pointed present, like "How Not to be a Shit Dad" but that's probably worse than nothing...is it?

OP posts:

wahwahwah · 03/06/2009 11:53

I would send a card - but not a 'you're the best daddy in the whole wide world' just a 'have a nice fathers day' then you have done your duty (and have the moral high ground!)

PlumBumMum · 03/06/2009 11:56

I wouldn't send him a card, I have cut my father out of my life, I haven't sent him a card the last 2 fathers days! Why would you send him a card when you are trying to cut him out, its like saying yeap come and trod all over me again

But if you want to send him a present send him a copy of Toxic parents

2rebecca · 03/06/2009 12:04

Oh god when's fathers' day? It's not this weekend is it? Having panic.

bubblagirl · 03/06/2009 12:07

21st i beleive

Original poster

bohemianbint · 03/06/2009 12:07

Thing is, I don't think I want to cut him out completely. I had a few years of no contact with my mother and it was awful. We have mended things in the last few years and I mentally feel much better for it, and I don't think I want to go through it all again.

I think we're basically coming from the angle that the door is always open if they (dad and SM) want to come and see us or the children. (But actually they don't really bother as they've made their priorities quite clear to us , it's work, then football, then sailing, then shopping and we're somewhere way down the bottom, if at all.) I don't want to make a grandparental relationship impossible; they don't bother with the children but I'd rather that was their doing than mine, IYSWIM.

But I do need space from them at the moment. I haven't had any contact whatsoever with them for the best part of two weeks, and they haven't bothered to get in touch with us either. And it's been nice not having to spend our evenings talking about them or what they've said/done now.

OP posts:

Original poster

bohemianbint · 03/06/2009 12:08

Yeah, another two weeks yet, I just like to do my analysing in advance!

OP posts:

MummyDragon · 03/06/2009 12:10

I agree with wahwahwah

And no, YANBU at all. Chin up girl

Original poster

bohemianbint · 03/06/2009 12:11

thank you.

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PlumBumMum · 03/06/2009 13:24

I can understand what you mean about not wanting to cut off completely as it is emotionally draining, then I would suggest you either send a bland card, or a fathers day card 'to my grandfather on fathers day' he will know you have put the effort in but not directly

or make one put a photo of your family on the front of a card and we hope you have a wonderful fathers day, as a reminder of the family he has (and treats like crap)!

Stumblebum · 03/06/2009 13:29

I would send a neutral type of card - not an effusive, fantastic father one but just a plain father's day one.

Life is too short - even if he has behaved badly you don't need to. Not for the moral high ground either, but for your peace of mind.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 03/06/2009 18:47

Thank you - I was considering getting one through moonpig or somewhere and uploading a photo of him with me when I was a baby. Just to see if he has a soul in there that can be prodded.

OP posts:

Original poster

bohemianbint · 21/06/2009 17:24

Ok. So I sent a card, and a book. Because I thought it was the right thing to do. But I sort of resented doing it, as I really felt he deserved fuck all.

I got a call from my SM yesterday telling me it 's Father's day this weekend (no, really?!) and that they were having tea at half 5pm and did we want to go. They gave me a day's notice, and know damn well that we would not be able to go half 5pm. They said they woud have done lunch (which we could have gone to) but they had to do it at that time because SM's cousin's daughter was going over and that was the only time she could make it. I'm sure the irony was lost on them that it was Father's day and they were facilitating that relative going over, rather than his daughter. (Everyone else, incidentally, knew about this about a week ago.)

I don't mean that to sound princessy - it's not all about me, but on father's day - do you make an effort to see your daughter, or a vague relative?

I also spoke to him on the phone, again, "doing the right thing". We have nothing to say to each other it's so obvious we don't even like each other. I really don't see any other way than cutting them out now. I was hoping to avoid it, but there it is. Am back at Relate tomorrow night so hopefully that should help - and am going to the doctors to see about anti-depressants as recommended by my HV. Want to get myself fixed and away!

OP posts:

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