AIBU about wedding pressie registry lists?

[lucygettingmarried]

I understand the function of gift lists and I don't mind purchasing presents from one of them for a friend/relatives wedding however, my DH-to-be and myself have decided that for our small informal wedding to let guests know that wedding gifts are not necessary.

This is because we are having a private ceremony then a very small informal party afterwards with friends and family. Some guests will be travelling quite far to get our party and many will probably have to find a hotel to stay in overnight. We feel awkward enought that we can't afford to put people up or foot the bill for a hotel, so to expect presents on top of these expenses and others misc costs for a knees up in our back garden, we feel, is pretty unfair and cheeky. We feel that them being able to come to the party to share our day is a gift in itself! We really do. We also have enough toasters and pots and pans as we have lived together for many years!

We didn't think this would be a problem but it seems to have caused some anxiety and, frankly, horror for some family members. We are quite shocked at their responses. We've been made to feel quite unreasonable, awkward and 'weird'. We've tried explaining that because it's such a small informal affair, we don't want guests to worry about expensive pressies, however we also said if guests would really LIKE to get us something then of course that would be lovely, but it really isn't necessary.

Apparently we are 'being silly' 'causing problems for the guests' 'We should register with somewhere as soon as possible' 'Making it difficult for people to buy presents' and the best one was 'being really weird, how can we not want wedding presents?'

This is just from a few people so far, most people seem ok with just coming along and having a good time, just a few awkward customers in my family, but I don't want to fall out wih them but they won't drop it!

To be perfectly honest, I think wedding gift lists are a bit naff myself, despite understanding why it can make present purchasing easier for people and so the happy couple don't get multiple toasters...

What do people think? Are we really making it difficult for our guests by not having a gift list somewhere? Are we being awkward?

Neither of us know quite what to do now!

Wild SH, how do you know they didn't give something to charity?

DH and I felt the same as you, for very similar reasons. However I thought that it may cause problems with people wanting to get us gifts though - so we asked everyone to buy us a copy of their favourite book of all time and write a note inside the cover. We now have a fantastic wedding "Library" - and a fascinating insight into the minds/personalities of some of our friends!

I refused to have a wedding list much to the chagrin of my mother who was worried about me receiving numerous towels and toasters. But what i really hate are those who ask for money or vouchers.One shouldn't have to pay in order to attend a wedding fgs.

I don't like wedding lists at all but I hate it when people ask for money, as some friends of ours did recently.

Sleepwhenidie - that is a fantastic idea! If I ever get married again I'm nicking it !

Wedding gift lists are obnoxious and infra dig. I would never, and have never bought from one.

Message withdrawn

sleepwhenidie - that is a great idea and I hadn't heard of anyone doing it before as a suggestion to guests. Although (preen) a nice edition of a favourite book is a present I've done for a few friends' weddings, when I've not been inspired by anything on their list. I figure even if they hate the book all they have to do is look at the spine occasionally

I agree with those saying charity lists are a bad idea. If people want to give to charity they can and will. If you want to give to charity then go for it.

Love the book idea. Very personal and what it's all about!

Saintmaybe - we know that they didn't make a donation because we'd set up a Justgiving page - we did this specifically so that we would know who had donated in order that we could thank them.

Loving the idea of a wedding library!

We set up a page for Cancer Research on Justgiving for people who wanted to get a gift, and our guests seemed fine with it. We chose the charity as cancer is something that affects so many people. No one's forcing anyone to donate - I don't see how it differs from asking for vouchers. A few people still bought gifts, which was lovely, but I would never have felt comfortable asking for gifts or vouchers.

The wedding library is a great idea though!

The wedding library is such a lovely idea. That would be a really great baby shower type thing too.

My friends had a website they set up about their honeymoon and guests could either pay some money towards flights or trips they were going to take whilst abroad. This ranged from entry into a local zoo to hot air ballooning. That way people got to help towards something they wanted and it didn't have to be extravagant.

My friends didn't want a wedding gift list either and their family balked at the idea so they put on their invites for people to donate to oxfam.co.uk

Congrats on your engagement.

I don't buy a wedding present just because I want to be seen parting with some cash. I buy something thoughtful that I hope the couple will admire/use for years to come and it will remind them of their happy day.

I still remember who bought us what and I remember them and our special day when I see the things they chose for us (not from a list incidentally).

It is with the same sentiment that I choose gifts.

I would not like to be instructed to give my money to charity because I think it misses the point of gifts and comes across as a bit "worthy" and condescending.

I give to and raise money for various charities and I don't sacrifice that if I have a few extra weddings to buy gifts for.

I really don't like the idea of being asked to pay money towards a honeymoon, that seems a bit grasping.

It seems quite straightforward to me - don't have a list, don't have a website, don't tell people what to do. Let them make their own minds up and perhaps you will end up with some really lovely personal gifts that you will cherish for years to come.

Trouble is (and I know this sounds a bit mean, but its true), among the lovely personal gifts people have chosen unilaterally you may also end up with stuff you don't need/want/would never have chosen and feel guilty about getting rid of!

I remember an ex of mine never forgiving his best friend not having a painting that he bought as a wedding present up on his wall. He always brought it up when he saw them and it was so embarassing - to me it was obvious the painting clearly wasn't to the friend and his DW's taste but ex took it really badly....I don't understand why some people expect others to like what they like or want to display something in their home just because it was chosen by a friend/relative.

We managed to avoid the gift thing altogether. I had to reiterate our wishes a few times, but managed it in the end by saying that we didn't want to have to carry loads of stuff back after the party and that with a baby on the way we didn't really want to get more stuff until we started buying for the baby. Although we were thinking of going down the book route too, but asking people if they had to buy a gift to buy their favourite book dvd or cd.

We had the same feelings about our wedding and said in our invitations that we didn't want any gifts. We also had the same reaction from relatives. I think your more traditional relatives who have said you are being 'silly' and 'awkward' may not like the idea of giving to charity as they want to buy you a present. In the end we asked for wine or champagne to celebrate our anniversaries to come or alternatively garden vouchers. What we actually got was John Lewis vouchers from everyone, not that I'm complaining, JL is great but my point is no-one took any notice of our requests at all!

We got lucky with our wedding. As we got married in a tiny town in Canada, we just told people not to get us presents as we would'nt be able to carry them back to the UK with us.

We also put 'Our Best Present is your Presence' on our wedding invitation.

We got a few small things from close friends here and there, but the majority of them spent horrendous amounts of money getting to the wedding, so we were just pleased that they were there (many of them combined the wedding with a holiday).

The best thing was my wedding shower gift. MIL knew that we couldn't carry too much stuff back home, so she got me a recipe folder and told all the guests to bring a cherished recipe which she then collated into the folder. I still use the folder for my massive collection of recipes, and get all warm and squidgy inside when I make a recipe that was given by a friend.