to be totally fed up with paying for AP AND her mother!!

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

Ok, so I absolutely do not think I am being at all unreasonable, but am so irritated with myself and with the situation. I posted a while ago about paying for everything for our (albeit lovely) au pair, and after following mumsnet advice, felt pleased that things were on track again. THEN she asked if her mum could come and stay for a week.

I said yes, and the mum is also lovely, but the pair of them have been here eating all week and opening our wine and FINISHING OFF ALL OF THE ICE CREAM and it's really pissing me off now. As I type, APMum is sitting swigging the wine my friend gave me as a pressie, eating my leftover curry that I'd been looking forward to, while AP complains that DH is watching a program on TV that she doesn't want to watch.

The final straw before this final straw, was when we took them out for the day today to a local national trust place, and I sort of thought they might offer to pay our entry fees as a thank you for letting her stay all week (they didn't, but at least I managed not to pay for them both). Once we'd got in, with DH lugging the picnic that I'd raced out to buy that morning while they both had a lie in), they ate the picnic, then APMum bought them both ice creams and didn't offer us one. Didn't even offer one to little DD who was clearly gutted watching them guzzle theirs until DH ran off to get her one too. They're absolutely minted too (both write only with Mont Blanc pens and only wear designer labels, and live in a house with a swimming pool and fruit orchards!!)

Argh, i DEFY you to say IBU - but feel a bit better for the rant!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

I cannot understnad why you would not say something, ever heard of the saying, "act like a doormat, and people will walk all over you"

I agree that you should bill AP mum at the end of her stay. They are likely mintet because they are business people. So please prepare an invoice, she might even expect one.

They are possibly both used to being waited on hand and foot.
Charge for food and board x nights, and itemize items such as expensive wine.

Make it nice and professional, put it in an open envelope, and give 14 days payment terms, give your banking details so she can make an online transfer.
Make a note that any outstanding sums will be deducted from APs "salary" from next month onwards. As you have styled it to AP mother, she will not want her dd to be without pocket money, neither will she want her family embarassed.

However, you could take the superior attitiude and leave it, as I am sure you would like to have a nice relationship and go visit them? Try be on her level, and dont act as their housekeeper. Be a nice and polite host, and come HERE and offload!

why not ask the mum if she couldn't, together with her dd, make a traditional German dinner for the family. Say sou'd all love to try that. I am sure she would do that. I would offer to drop her somewhere (but not stick around to pay!) like a nicer supermarket she could buy whatever ingredients she needed. Maybe she'll surprise you and be quite generous with it and put a lot of effort in. IF she refuses, you know where you are and you could think about being more direct.

Wait and see, maybe she is going to give you a nice thank you gift on the day she leaves?

I agree though with the others who said don't have anymore visitors to stay since this is just stressing you out feeling taken advantage of.

Tbh with you when I have stayed in German people's homes, they have always been very generous with everything so they may mean no harm with it, just expecting you to be happy to give what they would give themselves to visitors in their own home IYSWIM?

Good comments - thank you all. Re the doormat comment - you're absolutely right - and in other areas of life I'm not like this at all. Trying to figure out why I take all sorts of ridiculous behaviour from APs, I think it's just that I want them to feel that I'm bending over backwards to keep them happy so that they will bend over backwards to make sure DD is happy. If I'm not there and she's with the AP, I'd hate for a disgruntled AP to take her irritation out on my PFB!! Still, should have some self respect!

In fact, as I lay fuming in bed last night, I decided to tell AP that I do not appreciate her complaining to her mum that DH should watch the channel that she wants to watch (I speak much better German than either of them realise ) and that I was a bit upset at her sitting in front of DD scoffing ice cream without even offering her one, when she literally hasn't had to spend a penny of her own money since she's been here (food, car, petrol, meals out, etc.).

Asking for a nice German meal is a great idea (and much more do-able than handing over an invoice - I would self combust with shame and embarassment!)- I wish I'd asked for advice sooner as she leaves this afternoon.

Am suddenly feeling quite bold.....

PS. ZZZen - I hope I'm back later today admitting that she left me a nice little set of Mont Blanc pens and some of her bling as a gushing thank you....we'll see.

That is an utterly ridiculous situation and you MUST say something. Be all European and direct. You can do it and you MUST.

I'll do it if you won't.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Poor you really do feel for you.

Thats why I dont let visitors stay! I cant do with all the hassle it causes and resentment.

Good luck with it though!

I'd find a different Au Pair if i were you. Sounds like the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree in the mother daughter scenario here and she won't change her ways much. Find someone else. Your DD will bond with another lovely AP i am sure and you will be able to lay stronger ground rules to the new AP about what is and isn't acceptable.

Don't think that just because someone is minted that they will part with their money. Some of the wealthiest people i knpow are
really tight fisted.
I think your AP is taking the Michael . I think that you have the patience of a saint .
I do not agree with some of the other posts who say that you should present your AP with a bill, but don't allow your AP to invite any else to stay as she has shown that she does not know how to behave.

Sorry about the sentence construction in the last post, but my Dc's are driving me mad.

Update please!!

Oi - what happened????

may I just say that that is not typical german behaviour....it truely isn't

In my "younger" days I was an au Pair in Geneva. From day 1 I understood the rules. I wasn't affronted by her directness I was glad to know where I stood. She would say if I stepped out of line. At the end of the day, it was her home and rules. If you take an AP job be preapred to fit in with parents wishes and house rules, if they don't like they can leave. I would never have dreamt of asking my employer to put up and subsidise my parents for a visit to Switzerland. I had a great relationship with the parents and child (loved them) but I never did social events with them either. When they were going out with their daughter I saw that as my free time (unless I was required to work)and went out with a great group of friends - had a blast.
Please remember, you are HER employer. If I'd had done that I would have expected my employer to take it out of my wages. I know it's probably a bit awkward but bite the bullet. You may want to let this one go on this occasion, but now's a good opportunity to tell her that if she wants parent over again then she would be expected to make a financial contribution towards food and board next time. Good luck.

My german aupair had her sister come to stay for a week. I hardly knew if she was in the house as she stayed in aupair's room. I don't think she or aupair ate much during her stay.

I would hide all the wine and goodies. Not offer any more national trust treats. And definitely not agree to any more stay overs.

Won't invoice for stay though. Or expect them to offer ice cream. Just put it down to experience. Some people just take the piss and/or don't know how to behave. YANBU.

Perhaps the Au Pair's Mum half inched the OP's laptop.

lol at nitemare

Perhaps she's gone to Germany to eat them out of house and home

Sorry ladies - didn't come back with an update on this one! Possibly because (i) I was busy wolfing down wurst und Pumpernickel in Deutschland; (ii) was waiting for the insurers to get me a new laptop (and car, microwave, soap dish and ice cream); (iii) I was busy practicing my signature with my new and extensive range of finely crafted writing impliments; or (iv) I got home to find AP's mum gone, MY chair vacated, and my DD happy after a fun day out feeding the ducks with AP and AP's mum, and decided to say nothing at all this time.

I was certainly a wimp on this occasion, but since then, I have reclaimed The Chair, confiscated the Godiva chocs and hidden them (from DH as well as AP to be honest ) and been generally a little firmer.

Thanks so much for giving excellent advice, and also for being there to lend support when I fail to take it and end up in the same situation a little while down the line.