To feel funny about this

[Cake]

I don't have a great relationship with my mother. She was physically abusive when I was a child. We didn't speak for a while but after we had a big confrontation and 'chat' about the past, I allowed her to start seeing my four-year-old DD with me present. She's been seeing her regularly for a while now and is,I have to admit, generally good with her.

However, my mother is very physically affectionate with DD which often annoys me as sometimes IMO it is too cloying and I want her to give DD some space. Sometimes DD doesn't want to 'cuddle up' on the sofa or hold her hand and often my mother will pretend to play cry when DD says no. But what really bothers me is that I've noticed my mother likes to pat DD on the bottom. She does it A LOT. And I find it somehow inappropriate but I'm not sure whether that's just me. I want to point it out next time I see her doing it. But I don't know whether it's actually just a normal grandmotherly thing to do. But DH and I hardly ever pat DD on the bottom, so it seems wierd.

How old is your DD cake?

As far as bum patting goes I don't really like it no. I sometimes have a "smack your bottom" joke with her before bath but it is not something I would like anyone other than DH and I to do tbh.

I think you have summed things up in your last post. Physical boundries have been crossed for you in your relationship with your Mother and you are concerned that this may be happenening with your DD. I think it is perfectly understandable you are sensitive in this matter.

Good luck with everything.

Thanks, Crush. And my DD is 4.

Cake... I'm a big believer in gut feeling and it's served me well over the years.

Regardless of whether some people think mock crying and bum patting is within their realms of acceptablility, if it doesn't feel right for you then nip it in the bud. You don't have to necessarily understand why it you are not comfortable with it, simply that you feel uneasy.

This is your dd and you have to do what you feel is right.

Big hugs by the way.... you don't have to explain yourself to anyone...

cake

"... In no way do I, as you suggest, equate bum patting with physical abuse."

i didn't think you did. I didn't suggest it at all.

perhaps before being rude, you should read your own thread more thoroughly.

By Custardo on Sun 31-May-09 00:06:21
erm....whats wrong with bum patting

there's a lot of bum patting goes on in my house.

By shineoncrazydiamond on Sun 31-May-09 00:08:38
nothing wrong with it custy, but not in a situation where the op has said she may have suffered sexual abuse from her mother.

"But because my mother did overstep physical boundaries with me, I'm more sensitive - oversensititve - to touch and personal space. Surely that's not so surprising to understand?"

Yes ofcourse that is the context in which this is set, which is why you are asking if you are being unreasonable, becuase you don't know.

i think you are being unreasonable and theres nothing wrong with bum patting

howver, to clear something up - if as was suggested ( not by me) that sexual abuse was involved and that was the reason that you don't like bum patting,

i do not think its simplistic to ask why you would keep your child round an abuser.

If this were a man doing the bum patting, I wonder if the replies would be different?

Cake: "And this is very hard to say, but I do have a question mark in my head about whether she touched me inappropriately when I was a child above and beyond the hitting. There is nothing I can remember, but I feel uncomfortable."

It is clearly making you feel uncomfortable now. Go with your feelings. These are your children and you should trust your gut instincts when it comes to protecting them.

Cake, my mother also has boundary (physical and emotional issues) with both me and my dd. It's an incredibly complex area, and all I can suggest is going with your instincts and intuition. My attempts at asking my mother not to say manipulative things to my dd eg "you should be grateful to me as I'm your mum's mum and you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me" have resulted in her being even more defensive, critical and saying that she'll continue to say things that I don't want her to behind my back. She's also overly intrusive physically with her, despite me saying to dd in front of her that she doesn't have to kiss anyone she doesn't want to. The result of which is that we now have much less contact with her and she doesn't get to spend any time alone with my dd. I wish it wasn't like this (and had hopes when dd came along that she would improve our relationship) but ultimately my dd not my mother's feelings are my priority.
HTH.