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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to HATE being refered to as a 'lady of leisure'

39 replies

Boobalina · 29/05/2009 13:12

since I lost my job a few months ago, I am now a SAHM and its great.

However, it really gets on my wick when people, particularly mothers infer I now have heaps of time on my hands and I am a lady of leisure? My kids are 4.5 and 20 months - they are very spirited!

OP posts:

TsarChasm · 29/05/2009 17:42

I used to have a neighbour that used to say that to me every time I'd see him. It was all a great joke .

I'd be struggling, knackered with newborn twins and a 3 yr old and yep - he never missed his cue. It got so I'd say it for him....through gritted teeth. Oh the laughs we used to have about that one

violethill · 29/05/2009 18:30

I agree that it's having the choice which is important.

You say you lost your job, so maybe people feel a little unsure how to respond as it wasn't a choice, and try to be jokey about it?

Try not to worry about it though. People say the strangest things. The best one I used to get was when I went back to work part time (teaching) when dc1 was several months old. A (strange) friend of mine with a baby the same age used to have a whinge every time a school holiday came round - 'Oh, you're so lucky, you get so many holidays in your job' etc . Eventually I responded with 'Well lucky you, you're obviously on holiday all year round then'. That shut her up!!

Just develop a few good responses!

GentlyDoesIt · 29/05/2009 18:51

Boobalina YANBU. I had 2 years as a SAHM and I spent all my time running around doing errands for other people, lifts & collections for the elderlies, childcare for the cousins & DNs, jobs for DH, DIY, shopping, putting together toys, helping people move house, taking returns into town... I didn't mind too much and am aware that I tend to overcompensate by helping out, but there was this general assumption that I would have time to do anything and everything. Then there was the grind of being completely responsible for housework and childcare - not difficult things, but mind-numbingly boring on the whole.

For the last year I have worked for 17.5 hours a week and it has been total bliss because I can shut my office door and be legitimately busy. I set my own hours, too, so no-one knows when my "free" days are except me. I feel more a lady of leisure than I did before. Hope that's not insensitive in the light of you losing your job - just saying that I understand what a pointless phrase it is for a SAHM.

Just joke along about eating bonbons and filing your nails all day if you can.

curlyredhead · 29/05/2009 19:05

Umm, well, if both your kids are in nursery two days that doesn't sound bad, tbh. I have 3xdd (4,1&1); my eldest is in preschool 5 mornings, so for those I have 2 and the rest of the time all 3 - so to have 2 days childfree sounds pretty blissful!

If they are meaning the rest of the time then pffft to them - offer to swap one of their days off for a day at your house ;)

cupofteaplease · 29/05/2009 19:09

I think the choice aspect is important.

I have worked since dd was 15 weeks old as I needed the money and experience for my future career (teaching)

I am now completing my teacher training, (5 weeks left, hooray!) and it's been relentless. I leave the house at 7.30am and then regardless of what time I get home I am working until 11pm most nights. I also have work to complete on the weekend and during school holidays.

Today a friend text me to ask if I wanted to take my girls to the park with her and hers. I relpied that I couldn't as I was working and the dds were with the childminder. She replied, 'lucky you- wish I was working instead.' I immediately thought she was weird as I wished today I could have enjoyed a sunny day with my girls in the park but I had too much to do. She clearly thinks the opposite.

I think it's a case of the grass is often greener. I wish I could afford the 'luxury' of being a SAHM. Right now, part time is the best I can hope for as if I don't have an income, we would go without a lot as a family.

violethill · 29/05/2009 19:32

Exactly cupoftea. Being at home with pre-schoolers is hard work. But so is going to work when you have young children! The people who say you go to work for a rest are as ignorant as those who say being at home with tinies is a rest! (Either that or they're in very easy jobs, where they can swan around having 2 hour lunch breaks!!)

The only time I think 'lady of leisure' is an apt description is if your children are all at school/nursery and you don't work - but tbh very few people do that these days.

simplesusan · 29/05/2009 19:43

YANBU
Looking after children is not classed as being a lady of leisure in my book.
Ignore and smile at them

nickytwotimes · 29/05/2009 19:45

I have to say that I find being at home easier than working. However I only have one child. I am sure if you have 2 or more it is far tougher.

Still, certainly not a lady of leisure!

NBM · 29/05/2009 20:02

YANBU. I'm a SAHM, my DD's are 7,4 and 10 weeks, I am frazzled at the moment (it is half term here).

I did'nt really choose to be a SAHM but at the moment choices are limited. Don't get me wrong I mostly love it but easy it is not!

fucksticks · 29/05/2009 20:12

its all relative i guess - sahm mum 3 days a week with 2 days completely to yourself sounds like bliss to me.
i'm a sahm with 2 pre-schoolers and no time to myself or to do the cleaning/shopping in peace.
i'd be happy with 'lady of leisure' comments if i could have 2 days off every week!

hmc · 30/05/2009 00:41

I think I was driven almost certifiably insane when a SAMH to pre -schoolers (I'm a bit vague on the memories - have blocked most of it out - too horrible to contemplate...but I do remember barricading myself in my bedroom once with the dressing table across the doorway whilst both small children hammered to be let in..whilst I speed dialled dh to come home and rescue me)...

Thankfully it's now piss easy since they are both at school (and breathes.....)

FfreckleFface · 30/05/2009 01:12

I was thinking about this after a visit from my childless friends on the weekend. We went into town and had a wander down the towpath in the sunshine, had an icecream and watched the baby potter about on the grass.

They all seemed jealous that this is how I spend my days, and I prepared myself to launch into a diatribe about wishing I had time to take a private wee, that looking after a 15 month old and two big dogs alone while Bloke is in Afghanistan is pretty relentless, and that as soon as the baby goes to bed I have to settle down to proofreading/editing (I freelance). But, I tok a deep breath, and realised that I love my life at the moment.

So I agreed.

They'll find out when they have children themselves. Who am I to burst their bubble?

cheshirekitty · 30/05/2009 07:25

YANBU. People can make stupid, thoughtless comments sometimes.

When my dd was at primary school, I worked 3 12 hour night shifts. My mil thought I had the life of riley as I had all day to myself.

Ignore the stupid comments.

Original poster

Boobalina · 31/05/2009 22:26

ON the weekend, a friend who I used to work with (doing same job) genuinely turned round and said how jealous she was of me being at home with the kids and she wasnt.

Sounds silly but it hit home how much I like being at home

(except for being totally broke ;)

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