Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think drunken w*nkers on the bus should not be allowed by other passengers to continue harassing women?

52 replies

Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2009 05:50

Or harassing me specifically.
Was having bad enough day already but then drunken wanker sitting behind me started shouting at me. Couldn't quite make out what he was saying but then he started to ask me my name and put his hand on my shoulder. I asked him VERY LOUDLY to get his hand off me and leave me alone. Everyone else (it was 6pm ish and the bus was crowded) sitting there very silent and British,b staring straight ahead and pretending nothing was going on. (I couldn't move seats because the bus was too crowded.)

He spent the rest of the journey shouting that I was an ugly bitch, that he was going to kill me etc

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 12:15

MIFLAW, I think you are being incredibly generous! Speaking as a Londoner I honestly think most people in this city couldn't care less. As long as it's not happening to them, they're happy to turn a blind eye - it's a consequence of cheek-by-jowl living, that you end up closing off part of your mind so as to create the illusion of being a human island.

Yes, there is a potential danger - just as there is potential danger from crossing the road or flying on a budget airline. But there are many, many risks which we take on a daily basis withouot batting an eyelid. We ultimately make decisions about what risks we think are worth taking, and sadly, in big cities, at least, people generally decide that taking a small risk to help a stranger is not worth it.

MIFLAW · 29/05/2009 12:34

I think the potential risk of a drunk sticking a knife in you is statistically higher than that of a plane crashing ...

MIFLAW · 29/05/2009 12:38

I speak as a former drunk who once punched a total stranger in the back of the head in a pub for thinking too highly of himself.

Predictable I was not.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2009 12:40

I know what you mean though MIFLAW, it's about escalation as well as protection. ie if he was actually being violent there would be no justification for not intervening, but he was mostly just being threatening which is scary but not dangerous in the same way. They may have thought I looked like I was managing the situation by myself. Or maybe they were just selfish twats, I don't know. Some back-up would have been nice!

OP posts:
MIFLAW · 29/05/2009 12:41

I like to think these days that I would at least speak up, if not step in physically.

But it does scare me too.

VelvetCushions · 29/05/2009 12:42

Thats a horrible situation to be in.

I have been in a similar situation twice. The 1st time was on the tube when I was harassed by someone, I assumed, was high on drugs. He kept asking my name and then swearing and then asking if I wanted to see his Calvin Klein underpants and getting really shouty. Nobody helped or intervened and I can't say I blame them really as he was a bit scary.

The 2nd time, I refused an offer of a lift and the driver got really aggressive. Thankfully, a black cab driver helped me out. He dealt with the situation really well and sternly spoke to the driver without making eye contact. I think he'd learnt how to deal with nutters. He then got another cabbie who was going my way to take me home.

Rhubarb · 29/05/2009 12:42

I hate this! Bloody bystander apathy!

I'd have stuck my oar in no worries at all. And if I'd have been in that position I'd have had a go at the passengers too.

I've confronted teenage yobs, drunken girlfriend beaters, fighting tossers you name it, and I'm still here to tell the tale!

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/05/2009 12:52

Someone came and sat in my car the other night.

I was waiting outside Wetherspoons (mistake I now know) waiting to collect DP after he had beenwatching the football. Some bloke came and opened the dooor and got in, I just assumed it was DP at first, bloody hell it made me jump. I just stared at him like a moron. He said 'are you taking me home then darling' and I said, get the FUCK out of my car. He just giggled and said 'oh don't be rude'. He had about 3 mates outside the car who were laughing like loons. For some reason I started tooting the horn madly saying 'get out, that's my DP over there', (the street was packed) at which point he fucked off out of it. He and his mates were about 40ish though, they were not a bunch of lads. He then banged the top of the car really hard with his hands (it's a soft top as well) and they then all buggered off.

I don't mind admitting that it scared the crap out of me, I am normally pretty confident about most things and not easily scared, but I just cannot believe that some idiot would just go and sit in a lone woman's car. Imagine if someone did that to their wives and scared the hell out of them.

I know I should have had the doors locked buy I naiively thought that I would be OK at 10pm in a Gloucesteshire town. Frigging idiots.

By the way DP didn't get his lift home because I locked the doors in a panic and drove home!

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 12:53

"I think the potential risk of a drunk sticking a knife in you is statistically higher than that of a plane crashing ... " - depends which airline you're talking about

Like Rhubarb, on the many occasions where I have taken a calculated risk in London by helping a stranger out of a horrible situation, I have never, ever, ever been placed in danger. And I am not a thick-necked yob who would have people quivering, either - 5'7", slender build (at last! ), nicely-spoken middle class mother with a good, old-fashioned sense of justice!

Rhubarb · 29/05/2009 12:57

Yes you do take a risk when you confront someone. But if I walked away and left someone in danger, I could never forgive myself. I should like to think that if I were in that situation, someone would come to my aid.

I think I have an advantage because I too, am slim and a woman. I'm not seen as much of a threat, there's no game to be had in fighting me. So very often people will just back down and walk off.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2009 13:05

That's why I carry mace, GetOif.

Get you some or some pepper spray.

Spray the next person who does that in the face before kicking them out of the car.

Start the motor and let off the handbrake and ease off the clutch.

Bet they'll move off quick!

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 13:18

Rhu, but I'm talking about calculated risks. I would never jump in to help if I thought there was a high risk to my own safety, would you? And experience has shown that my calculations of risk (plus the way I've handled the situations) are reliable and accurate.

Poor GetOrf, that's horrible.

maria1665 · 29/05/2009 13:19

Some years ago, I read an article in a newspaper by a journalist who had sat on a tube train and done nothing whilst a gang of youths had subjected a female passenger to a lengthy bout of sexual abuse.

He wrote about how upset she looked, even when they had got off and she was left on her own again. He then went on about how guilty he felt, but what could he do??

I was upset by it at the time, but then noted in the letters pages for the next few days lots of letters in response, telling him not to be so nesh.

The best one was from some doughty old bird who berated him for not have pulled the emergancy cord and went on to say she had been a regular puller of emergancy cords for over thirty years, in numerous countries and had never once regretted it!

Might I suggest that you contact East Yorkshire buses - [email protected] - tell them what happened, when, on what bus. Ask what guidance is given to drivers in that situation and advice on how you should deal with the matter in the future - ie can you rely on support from the driver.

I note that a forum is to be held regarding Hull bus services on 3rd June 2009. I've moved away from Hull, or else I might have attended this myself. Women's - everyone's safety on buses - should be a priority - it makes economic sense in addition to being a matter of conscience.

If you do manage to send the email, it would be a bit of good coming out of a crap situation.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/05/2009 13:39

Expat - good idea. Though I am such a dolt I would probably spend half an hour rummaging round in my handbag looking for it.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2009 13:45

GetOif, just keep a can in the doorstorage on the driver's side for easy access.

That way you don't have to pull the keys out of the ignition, either, to spray the person.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/05/2009 13:48

Thanks -I will certainly do that, it scared the bejeezus out of me. Will lock the doors as well. Bloody hell though. I suppose I am lucky that I got this far through life without something like this happening before, suppose that's one good thing about growing up in the countryside.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2009 13:50

See, I grew up in high crime areas so usually lock doors automatically.

Get into the habit of that.

Practice pulling out the mace when no one else is in the car, just so it becomes a bit more automatic.

LilRedWG · 29/05/2009 13:50

Not sure if mace is legal, but a can of hairspray does the same when in someone's eyes and is legal (as it's something you'd normally carry and may just grab in self defence). Mind you, you are talking to the woman who was advised by her lecturer at uni to carry her scalpel in her pocket as a number of the rugby team had been mugged.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2009 13:50

GetOrf that's horrible - talk about invading someone's space! Great idea about the mace (and reminds me I haven't carried a personal attack alarm for years, might be an idea especially while I'm pg and can't run away fast).

OP posts:
OhBling · 29/05/2009 13:55

A friend of mine was on a train once and stood up to give her seat to a pregnant woman. Some young guy grabbed the seat and when she protested he said, "It's the City, if you're not quick you lose out". She was gobsmacked.

And even more disturbingly, not one of the other passengers on the tube at that point stood up and offered their seat to the pregnant woman she'd originally tried to stand up for.

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 14:04

What a bastard. If I were the pregnant woman I'd have sat on him.

Well, my cool, fast-thinking alter ego would have, anyway!

OhBling · 29/05/2009 14:05

I know. We spent a good 30 minutes all coming up with lines we would have used in that situation.

Plonker.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/05/2009 14:10

Think will def practice quick draw with the can of mace on DP

The only thing I worried about growing up were marauding bands of seagulls and slightly aggressive sheep

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/05/2009 14:12

Oh yes, the witty alter ego.

Perhaps with the stupid pissed bloke I should have screamed off up the road with him in the car, me shrieking in in League Of Gentleman sinister stylie 'you're coming home with MEEEE, you're coming home with MEEEEEE!!'. That would've learned him.

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 14:47

My alter ego is amazing. I'll pay £1000 to the first person with a guaranteed way to integrate her into my RL personality.