to be shocked how clueless my dad is

[ilovetochat]

about parenting when he has supposedly helped bring me up?
Today he has visited me and dd (22 months).
He brought with him a story he had written, 3 pages of A4 and said to dd play in your sandpit while i read my story, then everytime she spoke he stopped reading and stared at her like she should be quiet. At one point she wondered over and starting climbing her slide so i followed to stand behind the steps and she sat in silence until we returned and then carried on reading. I didnt know whether to say she isnt going to be quiet for 15 minutes while you read but i just ignored his staring and carried on.
Next he said dd dont put sand on the floor, she spilled a bit when pouring, does a toddler ever not spill sand.
He then said to me have you explained to her about germs as she is touching the flowers, i said it didnt matter and id wash her hands when we went in, he insisted i should tell her about germs.
He picked up her cups which are 3 red, 3 green and said dd put the three red ones together, she muddled them all up and started stacking them them, he said oy dd listen and i had to tell him not to talk to her like that. he then said i should get some grapes and only give her a grape when she correctly matched the cups and if she gets coulours wrong she shouldnt get a grape. i gave up at this point and told him i wouldnt be doing that ever.
part of me wants to tell him he is so out of touch and part of me thinks its not worth it.

He sounds like a complete nightmare. What was the story he'd written, shakespear?

Think it's best to just bite the bullet. He probably wouldn't understand what he was doing wrong!!

it wasnt a story for dd, it was an adult comedy type short story, he just likes writing things.
Before he used to turn up with dvds he had made of holidays etc and edited that lasted 10 mins or so, but as soon as dd saw the tv go on she would start asking for fifi and dad would say no dd we are watching this and then dd wouldnt stop maoning, i had to tell him that i keep the tv off or she will want to watch it all day so he stopped bringing them.
he does want to teach her things, he is a home tutor but for 11 year olds and gcse students and has already said he wants to tutor her, god help her.
but its more like its for his own benefit to show how clever he is. he says dd look an isoseles (sp) triangle and i tell him to just say triangle, she isnt even 2, to me it makes him sound ridiculous. he comes out with things like, dd do you know pythagorous' therum yet and starts saying it and now ive started saying oh grandads showing off again.

Was his story any good? Tell us about it!

it was ok but i have a different sense of humour

Actually I disagree with you there you leave the telly off or else she would watch it all day??? I like to watch the lunchtime news or ocaassionally something trashy on one of the sky channels and yes the children get theri tv time but so do I an not a bad lesson to learn either.

As for your dad yes he is a bit out of touch but so is my dp. His sone is 9 years old and mine is 3 and he has already forgotten things that his ds used to do that are perfectly normal for toddlers, in fact his own ds told him one time I remember you telling me off for that a couple of times and DP cannot even remember him doing it so these memories do fade fast.

I actually think (re-reading) your lastpost that he is quite sweet actually, he sounds incredibly proud of her and isn't showing off by saying do you know these things he sounds like he wants her to be a smart cookie and maybe not your idea of a good thing but his heart is in the right place.

dd does have some tv time and i do watch the news but most mornings i never turn it on and she doesnt mention it, but once its on and dvds are out she starts on abut fifi. She is tantrumming a lot at the moment but i suppose she does need to learn.

she is only 22 months though, to me telling her its a triangle is good, telling her the type of traingle is daft at this age surely.

also he pushed me too much as a child imo and i dont want the same for her. only academic performance counts for my dad wheras i praise her for building, climbing, singing

I can totally understand the tantrumming thing my DS is a nightmare at the moment and I used to be like you avoid doing things to avoid the tantrum because believe me ds can go for it but for me personally it did just drag out the inevitable because now he's 3 I am having to let the tantrums happen and do these things anyway because he never learnt when he was younger.

I can appreciate the thing about being pushed too hard and I know I would idg my heels in the same way. Yes telling her the type of triangle is a bit daft but his intentions are good. My dad was big on pushing academic performance as well but I was always arsey feisty and tended to do things my way regardless and now I can see that there was no malice in his intentions as silly as some of the things he did were.

It's easy for us to say sitting here because when you are so close to the situation things bug you that others may think silly. My DP despairs at me because even though my mum and I get on well day to say I have always for various reasons kept her at a certain arms length and get really irritated by things that he thinks are petty but it is my history with her that make me like that.

Ilovetochat - my dad was this clueless too, but not in a pushy way. At 73 he had just forgotten the mental capabilities and milestones - and why not, it was forever ago that me and my sister were that age.

I think the issue is NOT that he thinks she can do more than she can at that age, but that he's pushing her to acheive when she has a lifetime of that ahead. This is something you recognise in him from your own childhood, so it might be worth talking to him about how you felt and still feel about that. Life is full of tough stuff - this age is the only time kids really just get to be kids these days.

If he responds to theory etc, why not show him a book on development, or better still, those wonderfully witty MN emails you get when your child hits a milestone. I'm always shocked to the core about how accurate they are for DS's stage of development. (he is 20 months and won't even sit still for Bob the builder lol!).

Do you have one of those developmental emails? Can anyone cut and paste one for ilovetochat that's for approx this age? My was deleted long since.

I wouldn't have a problem with him wanting to teach her about isoceles triangles and pythagoras - she probably won't pick it up, but if she does, there's no harm done. And if you're praising her for normal stuff, then his academic praise probably won't unbalance things.

Sounds like you feel he's criticising your parenting though - maybe you need to have a chat with him about that?

I think he's just forgotten what they can do at what ages.

Just a thought but if he's the studying/academic type could you get him a book with what they can do when?

Just thought that my book has guidelines for what they can do each month and he might be more prepared to accept what she is/isn't ready for if he has it written down.

Then he will maybe understand that at her age identifying a triangle would be the work of a small einstein!

Alternatively that is a crap idea! But you know him best . Your DD shouldn't have to put up with being told off for things that are normal for toddlers.

its not really him telling her the stuff that i mind, its the disappointment i can hear in his voice that she doesnt know things, or as you say maybe my own experience of him is making me study him too hard.
she does know a couple fo letters, so she gets her letters out and says mommy for m and daddy for d and then my dad puts mad together and goes m a d m a d, what does that say, dd says mommy and he puts the letters back saying she doesnt know her letters. it feels like he is critisising her and me.

I know exactly what you mean ilovetochat.

I frequently tell DD who is also 22 months ridiculous stuff. For eg earlier she was having a ham sandwich so I told her that humans are omniverous, what that means, and about the various ethical and environmental concerns surrounding meat consumption. She sat there nodding and saying "ham". Which was great. I didn't expect her to understand any of it, I was being silly really.

If I had then said "so DD what are the man ethical concerns surrounding meat consumption" and looked disappointed when she simply said "ham", that would have been like your dad.

You need to have a word I think. Is you mum around? Can you talk to her?

rofl Lovely - that's the sort of thing I do too.

ilove - how much time does your dad spend with your dd? Because while I think that Lovely's suggestion of the milestone guidelines is a good one, if he pops in quite often, I'm kind of surprised that he isn't aware already that she can't do cvc words yet etc. I mean, whether she "should" be able to or not is kind of irrelevant - you work/play at the level a child is at, not where you think they should be. Do you think he maybe just doesn't really do small children, and will come into his own in a couple of years?

my parents are divorced, my moms great, spends lots of time teaching dd stuff showing her flowers reading to her, to me thats how they learn, naturally through looking and hearing us talk. my dad doesnt know much about children unfortunately.

he sees her once a week for an hour, last week i was ill with vomiting bug, rang and told him and he said hed stay away as didnt want to catch it, so misses some weeks.

he didnt really get me till i was at senior school.

Coming from his daughter that's not much of an endorsement ilove!

Have you tried talking to him?

Thing is dads are pretty intractible normally, they do what they do and you have to like it or lump it IME.

Must be worrying for you that she's going to pick up on it though.

no i cant talk to him about it, our relationship is 100% better than it used to be, in that we speak and see each other once a week but he doesnt listen to me and talks about his achievements.