To not be used to provide free entertainment and child care without being asked if it's ok or convenient?

[smartiejake]

So DD (aged 10) arranged to go shopping with a friend in town today while I was having my hair done. I told her that I would take them to the park afterwards to go to the inflatables day and for her friend to make sure she had the £6 entry fee. It was then arranged for her dad to pick her up from the park at 4 as he had the day off work (as it's half term). After shopping she told me she didn't have enough money to go to the inflatables as she had spent it in the high street (having previously told my DD she had £20 to spend she actually only had £5.) So after having given her lunch I obviously had to pay for her to go in and pay for an ice cream and a drink.

So 4pm comes and the girl told me that her dad was expecting to pick her up from my house and when we got back home and I asked her to call her dad she was acting a bit evasive saying she didn't think he was at home. So we called his mobile and he is actually at work in London and won't be back until after 6! I have not got enough food in to give her tea without someone (i.e. me) going without. When I mooted that this was slightly inconvenient as we were going out and was there anyone else who could pick her up he told me that it would be fine for me to take her back to the park and leave her there on her own until 6 (she is 9 FFS!) I obviously refused.

Sorry to rant- just feel like I have been taken for a bit of a ride.

It is frustrating I agree, but did you speak directly to the dad to make the arrangements? IME it is easy to get wires crossed if two 9 year olds are in charge.

Sorry - a nine year old and a ten yr old.

Shocked at the dad suggesting to leave his dd in the park though. He sounds very irresponsible. Where was the mum in all this?

You certainly have been taken for a ride.

The thing is, when arrangements are made from parent to child to other child to other parent there is a LOT of room for error. In future, if you'll be with anyone else's kid, speak directly to the the parent and clarify, it's the only way to avoid these situations happening, I find.

maybe she is being evasive because she told them she would be with your dd til the evening?

Either that or they are happy for her to be at the park all day on her own...

When he turns up stand between him and his daughter and explain that there has been an unfortunate misunderstanding and perhaps in future all meet-ups with his child should be arranged in writing (by text or email) between you and one of her parents.

Then, if there is a next time, you can text them to say "I'm expecting X at this time, she will be bringing £xx with her and you will be picking her up from this location at this time. Is that right?" Then don't accept the meet-up until they have texted back.

It could be a genuine mistake, or they could be the sort of people who take advantage whenever they can. All you can really do is pin down the detail and then stop having her if they still mess you about. People only ever manage to do this to me once and they don't get a second chance.

DD actually made the arrangements by phone but I was there and heard the conversation and there was no doubt as to the arrangements (DD is very articulate).

The mother is not around- she left the country and the children haven't seen her for 2 years- very sad situation.

Poor kid. And poor dad too by the sound of it. Doesn't excuse what happened, but I can see why he might have thought he could take advantage. Do you know what child care arrangements are usually in place?

No, you are not being unreasonable. I would say when he comes that there was a misunderstanding so he knows you have been inconvenienced and have had to pay out for the inflatables. Then you can see how he responds/

Yanbu.

I'd agree with Bran and make it clear there had been a misunderstanding and also that you were out of pocket.

She used to go to the same CM as DD but they were asked to leave as the father never paid her-think they have now found another- not sure what he usually does in the holidays- think there is an aunt around who looks after them. I wouldn't mind if he had asked me but really feel he has taken advantage.

No wonder his poor wife left. Sounds like he treats lots of people badly.

nametaken!

Sweeping statement

at nametaken!

Maybe he's just completely disorganised at being left to cope with two young children on his own. Maybe they do have money problems possibly because they took out a mortgage based on two salaries and then one partner buggered off.

Anyway, SJ, YANBU but before arranging anything else I would gauge whether he's just dozy/disorganised or the sort of parent who is just happy to take advantage.

Oh and sorry you're having no dinner but of course you could not take her back to the park. What if he was involved in an accident? She'd be there all night!

Well he turned up three quarters of an hour late and said that the traffic was bad(he lives 5 mins away)He had his younger daughter with him so he had obviously picked her up first (perhaps her child care was more expensive than me!)even though I had told him we were going out! There was no apology or gratitude for me looking after her and feeding her and no offer to pay for the stuff at the park.

myredcardigan- I don't think he is the slightest bit dozy and disorganised-I think he knew exactly what he was doing!

See

How old are you? 5?

nametaken i think to blame a single father who is clearly working hard for his family for his wife leaving is awful you wouldn't blame a woman for her husband leaving

the phone call obviously took place but who knows what conversation took place with his dd and him after phone call unless your dd spoke to her dad then the plans were not made with him on the phone but with dd who clearly would say anything as she wants to meet with her friend

she may have said she'd prefer to stay with your dd rather than go to a childminders i think its a one of incident let it go to be honest this really wouldn't have bothered me so much if my child liked the friend and was having fun then it was good for her also

its ok to blame the parent but i remember as a kid saying to my mum it was ok to stay with my friend all day blah blah and my friends mum would be ok with it although wasn't aware to begin with and friends did the same

his dd may not have wanted to ask for more money maybe her dad is having to work as they dont have much

i think if any plans are being made to go somewhere which involves having certain amount of money parents need to speak directly to each other as children can be a bit wary especially at 9 to ask for x amount when her pocket money is probably the 5 pound she had

and i think he is doing a great job he clearly has alot to deal with as do alot of lone parents

Chinese whispers?
Th conversation was btn your daughter an dhis daughter
You dont know what was agreed between her and him.
Maybe he told her she couldnt go and couldnt have the money and she was too embarrassed to say?
Arrangements in future should be done between adults I would suggest.
Dont think you have been taken for a ride, more of a misunderstanding

Would you be saying the same if the parent in question was a single mother? As a sm who works in London (1.75 hr commute each way) I would have either asked the OP to take care of my dd until 6 and said that she wouldn't need feeding as I would do that when I collected or I would call someone else to come and collect her. If neither of those were possible I would be turning up with a bottle of wine/chocolates by way of apology.

Having said that at 9/10 I would still be talking to the other parent direct to avoid this sort of confusion difficulty. Especially as it sounds as if the OP and the child's father don't really know each other. The only time I would be more relaxed about children that age making arrangements would be if I knew the parents well.

at that age i'd have spoken to the parent myself. fine let the girls do their arranging, but then ask to speak to the adult.

it may be that the friend told your dd that she was worried cos her dad would away til after 6 and your dd said it's ok you can come to mine type thing. hence being evasive with you when you queried where the dad was. must be hard for her if her mum left.

Hmm, he's 'doing a great job' by suggesting that the OP leaves his 9 yr old daughter unattended in a park till he gets back (which would have been nearly 2 hours later)? I think this is being overly generous to the 'poor put-upon single dad', and a bit patronising to all the single parents out there who wouldn't dream of doing this sort of thing and know that even if things go a bit wrong and it's not your fault, the very least you would do in this situation is apologise for the incovenience the other parent has been put to.

OP, I agree that he was trying it on. Well, once bitten twice shy, and you'll know next time (if there is one!) to speak to him personally and be super clear about the arrangements. You could even gently point out that rather that leave a child unattended your only other option, if he is not around, would be to take her to a police station and declare that her father has not come to collect her. That would make him think twice about being late etc. in the expectation that you will pick up the slack.

Having said that, though, you also have some responsibility to call him on this if you don't want these things to recur. You say he 'didn't offer' to pay for the stuff his daughter had - did you directly tell him you had paid and ask him for the money? If not then you should have done IMO. People looking to take advantage in such situations usually rely on you being polite and saying nothing, hoping they will offer - they won't, so you have to be direct.

I agree. He might not have realised you had forked out for his child.

This dad coul dbe taking the piss or he could be struggling. You won't know until you get to know him a bit more and I suggest next time you speak to him directly.