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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH not to make xmas holidays so hard.......

19 replies

petrabas · 28/05/2009 12:59

We live in London with no family on either side. DH is not close to his and doesn't see much of them at all. I have a huge extended one abroad. We have spent every xmas with mine since we met (11yrs) - apart from year we got engaged. We now have 8mo LO and DH has decided that he will not be spending xmas with my family - in fact he is being 'reasonable' and will not stop LO spending xmas with grandparents so us two should go and he will stay behind . Of course this is not an option as I would never be able to tell my family he just didnt want to come and more importantly I would never take LO away from Dad at xmas. He will not negogiate and go for a few days just for short break and come back or even go a few days after for New Year. He has just decided he has had enough of it all. I am at my wits end as I feel torn between everyone and don't know what to..... AIBU to want him to spend time with all the family seeing as we live so far away and only see them 3/4 a year???

OP posts:

dustbuster · 28/05/2009 13:07

Could you spend Xmas day with your DH and LO and then head off with LO on your own to see your family for post-Xmas/new year break?

It is a little bit U to expect DH to spend Xmas with your family EVERY year, after all they are your family not his. My XP didn't get on particularly well with his family either, and visiting my family 3-4 times a year would have been way too much.

beanieb · 28/05/2009 13:08

I think you should probably have Christmas with your Husband and child. Maybe some of your family could come and visit you?

Salleroo · 28/05/2009 13:08

A little, why cant your have a Christmas on your own for once?

But...
Tell him you are happy to stay home if you do something special to create your own traditions and he cooks the meal.

You may find that he is bored rigid and wants to go back to them the following year.

I know Christmas is family time etc etc, but you and dc are his family and maybe he wants a time out from yours?

morningpaper · 28/05/2009 13:11

agree with the others - have a christmas to yourself. You are being unreasonable here.

Either have a xmas together here, or go without your DH (which I think is perfectly FINE). If DH wanted to ship us out to see his family 3-4 times a year there is no way I would go EVERY time. I would want a break by myself.

Hassled · 28/05/2009 13:11

I'm sorry, but I can see your DH's POV. 11 years is a long time to be spending Christmas with someone else's family, and he's more than done his bit. Swap roles for a minute - would you have been happy spending Chistmas with his family for 11 years? I think once you have DCs the rules change - quite reasonable that he wants to stay put, and a family Christmas for just the 3 of you would be nice.

mankyscotslass · 28/05/2009 13:14

I agree with the others, sorry.

I think it's time to make your own family Christmnas traditions.

You could maybe talk to him and see if he would agree to every other year going to your family?

Littlefish · 28/05/2009 13:15

Sorry Petrabas - I agree with everyone else. I think it's time to have Christmas on your own at home. I can see your DH's point of view.

We did it for the first time this year, having spent the last 8 years going to each family on alternate years. It was absolutely heavenly to be by ourselves. We saw lots of our families around the holiday period, but spent Christmas itself on our own.

TheCrackFox · 28/05/2009 13:26

I agree with your DH. It might be nice to start your own Christmas traditions.

I can't say I would be thrilled to spend Christmas with my PILs every year.

Original poster

petrabas · 28/05/2009 13:32

Blimey - quick responses and Unanimous!
I guess I just never put any thought into the day arriving where we would be starting on our own - I suppose on refleection I do tend to hang onto my family alot but only as as I said beacuse it is very extended and very close and living away from them I always feel I am missing out. Might be time for a rethink though!

OP posts:

LupusinaLlamasuit · 28/05/2009 13:36

You (now) know YABU. Invite em to you (lining up some cheap hotels/B&Bs so they don't all camp on your floor)

You've done the same for 11 years, you have a new baby, he's entitled to call the shots for once isn't he?

dustbuster · 28/05/2009 13:39

You are very gracious in defeat, Petrabas!

I would definitely recommend going to see your family with your LO on the 26th or 27th - I often do this, and it means you get a second Christmas, and it avoids the post-Xmas slump for everyone concerned. It would also give your DH a bit of child-free time, which you can of course use to negotiate a break for yourself sometime down the line!

neversaydie · 28/05/2009 13:40

DH and I had some real battles on this one in our early years of marriage. For me, Christmas was a family time, and the more family the better. He was more of the opinion that family was just the three of us, and we needed to make our own traditions.

It is still a slightly tender subject, not least because my family is spread over 3 continents and Christmas is often the only time we can all be together. On the other hand, I have come to appreciate the less frenetic pace of our own traditions. Now, we have Christmas together, and meet up with my family either at New Year, or other times of year. To be honest, I think we get more out of such gatherings when they are not all entwined with our various expectations for Christmas. Not that I have mentioned this to DH, who can be a little over-inclined to assume that his preferences are logical, right and the only possible way to go...

As I say, still a slightly tender subject with us, and I do totally understand your POV as well. But after 11 years probably about time he had a turn!

notsoteenagemum · 28/05/2009 13:43

petrabas it must be hard for you to live far away from your family and I can see why you want to be with them at Christmas.

However given that all the other years have gone your way you should compromise, you all stay at home together this year and next year you all go to your family.
Your parents might not be happy with it but your dh's wishes should be just as if not more important than your parents.

notsoteenagemum · 28/05/2009 13:46

oh I see you've taken my advice well done
I always take too long to post

Pennies · 28/05/2009 13:56

Agree with everyone else here but wanted to add how impressed I am with your own response to the verdict, petrabas. I wish others could be so gracious and magnanimous as you have been.

Rosie29 · 28/05/2009 14:04

I haven't read whole thread so apologies if this has been said!

I live abroad with my DH, where his family are. We have been back to the UK twice for Christmas in 9 years together. Some have been spent separately with our families (pre dc's), some with his folks and, more recently, at our home.

I would never expect him to spend every Christmas with my family and it also becomes very tiring once you have dc's to pack up and leave at Christmas. Christmas at home with the dc's is great, you can start your own traditions etc.

Perhaps he also feels that some of your family should visit you, my dh feels like this as my family doesn't come out to stay that often.

We are both very close to our families if this is relevant.

HTH

Littlefish · 28/05/2009 17:04

Well done Petrabas. Have a lovely time planning your own Christmas traditions!

RedCharityBonney · 28/05/2009 17:22

Rosie29, it's only a dozen posts not a dozen pages!!!

mamas12 · 28/05/2009 23:16

So what is he offering as an alternative xmas?
Because he knows what xmases you are used to what does he envisage your xmas together will be.
It might be a great opportunity to create your own family xmas with your own unique traditions incorporating the best ones from your pasts.
Or it might be too much of a shock for you to come from a busy people filled xmas to just you three (as it was for me) Don't like quiet xmases
Think you need to talk it out, if he could compromise and do 3/4 days this year you could cut it down next year etc.

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