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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my exH seeing DS until I can calm down and think things through.

30 replies

Lucy88 · 27/05/2009 21:56

Split up from my H about 18 months ago and he has DS over-night every other weekend at his house.

Anyway, DS was ill yesterday, so we stayed at home and he told me about being in a police car and being scared. Anyway, after a bit of gentle questioning it was obvious that something had happened over the weekend, so I phoned the police and they asked me to go to the police station with some proof that I was his Mum and they could tell me what happened.

Anyway, after speaking to the police, the Manager of ex-H's local pub and his ex-girlfriend I got the whole story.

Ex-H had taken DS to his local pub at 8pm on Saturday night and proceeded to drink himself stupid while DS slept on a chair with a coat over him. (I have never allowed DS in a pub unless we are having a meal at lunch or tea time). When the Manager came downstairs at 12.45am ex-H was asleep in the pub - with no one looking after DS. The Manager woke ex-H up and asked him to leave and he got really abusive and the Manager was concerned about how drunk he was and that he had DS with him, so he phoned the police. The police turned up and ex-H was just as abusive to them, so they arrested him. He's been charged with being drunk in charge of a minor.

DS had woken up by this point and he told me yesterday that he was scared in the police car and that Daddy frightened him. No-one phoned me, but the police got through to ex-H's ex-girlfriend and she said that she would take DS She has never had nmy phone number, so had no way of contacting me. If she hadn't the police were going to phone Social Services. Anyway, she told me that when the police brought DS round he was shaking like a leaf and petrified. Sounds like she did a good job of calming him down and looking after him.

Ex-H brought him back home on Sunday and didn't say a word about it and he also came on Monday for a tea-party for some of DS's friends and still didn't say anything.

After I'd been to the police station I phoned ex-H and went mad with him. He says that he didn't tell me because he was embarrassed and they went to the pub because DS wanted to go. He is a complete tw*t. I can't believe that he can't see what he has done. Not only was he blind drunk, but he was asleep - anyone could have taken DS. He's scared the life out of his son and all he can say is, DS wanted to go to the pub.

He wanted to come round last night to explain, but I told him where to go and said if he comes within 10 yards of our house, I would kick him within an inch of his life.

At the moment I have told him that he needs to stay away for a while, so that I can calm down and also make sure that DS is ok.

I need time to think about acess in the future, but DS will never be staying over-night with ex-H again. The way I feel at the moment, I don't want DS to ever see him again, but he adores his Dad and I they need to have some contact, but it will be limited and supervised.

Sorry its so long.

OP posts:
sleepymommy · 27/05/2009 21:58

How old is your son? I absolutely agree that there should only be supervised contact in the future.

Tamarto · 27/05/2009 21:59

That sounds awful

How old is your DS?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/05/2009 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beanieb · 27/05/2009 22:03

I think you would have a good case for getting supervised access only, particularly as the police were involved and can verify the story. I am just shocked they allowed an ex-girlfriend to take your son. How on earth did they verify she was who she said she was. Surely they should have been able to find a way to contact you ?

wolfnipplechips · 27/05/2009 22:05

Jesus you are not being one bit unreasonable.

At least you now have proof that he is a shit parent, there is no excuse for that, poor ds

Overmydeadbody · 27/05/2009 22:07

Oh My God

YANBU, not one bit.

I am amazed that you haven't hung, drawn and quartered him. Especially as he didn't tell you!!!

I'm assuming your DS is quite young?

Definately make sure your DS doesn't have unsupervised access with him in the future. What a wankerous twunt.

Overmydeadbody · 27/05/2009 22:09

Yes why didn't the police contact you?

I'd be inclined to make a complaint about the police about that. Surely you should have been informed?

Original poster
Lucy88 · 27/05/2009 22:09

My DS was 4 last week. Poor little lad was petrified.

The ex-girlfriends Mum is registered as a foster carer, so thats why the police allowed him to stay with her (she lives with her Mum).

The police couldn't contact me because Ex-H refused to say who I was.

I am gutted about it and so upset for my DS. He is such a lovely lad and really loves his Dad but I can't trust my ex-H now.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 27/05/2009 22:13

Your poor poor DS.

that it was his idea to go to a pub. What a lame excuse form your ex. Does he do everythin four year olds suggest?

I'm sure with such a loving mum your DS will get over it. Just so sad that he had to go through it. No wonder he was shaking like a leaf

Kitsilano · 27/05/2009 22:13

OMG. I am horrified. Your ex is clearly not to be trusted to look after a child. Your poor poor little boy.

daisydotandgertie · 27/05/2009 22:14

Thank goodness the ex-GF cared for your son so well. And that you have got to the bottom of what happened. The police of course had no way of knowing you even existed if your exH was being such a wanker.

It is a terrifying post - and I absolutely think you are doing the right thing by stopping your exH from seeing your son. Don't hesitate.

MissSunny · 27/05/2009 22:19

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Lucy88 · 27/05/2009 22:26

Thank you so much for all your comments.

I have been so busy comforting DS and being so angry I haven't had time to sit down and think it all through.

After re-reading my post and all your responses, I am now having a bloody good cry. I am just so mortified at what he has put my DS through. I have been concentrating on being really angry, so I don't break down completely in front of DS. He is my absolute world and I am so gutted for him. I just want to be able to take it all away for him and make everything better again.

We are going to Disneyland Paris next week for a belated 4th Birthday present and it will be a great opportunity for DS and I to spend a whole week together doing something really fun and hopefully put last weekend in the past.

Sorry to keep waffling, but I just needed to be able to get it off my chest.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
ravenAK · 27/05/2009 22:30

YANBU.

Who on earth is running your ex's local?!

To allow a regular to turn up at 8pm with a 4 year old & settle in for a session - he should've been asked to leave after one drink if he was served at all.

Kudos to the ex-gf, it sounds like she was very kind & capable.

QueenofAllWildThings · 27/05/2009 22:32

You are not being unreasonable at all - he sounds like an utter idiot.

Spero · 27/05/2009 22:33

YANBU.

I'd suggest supported contact at a contact centre for at least four months while he gets some counselling for alcohol/anger management problems.

Then review the situation.

sleepymommy · 27/05/2009 22:34

He sounds like the biggest wanker on earth, do not let him have anything to do with your son.
Hope you have a lovely time in Disneyland Paris. You both deserve it. And don't worry, your son will get over it, he clearly has a loving mother who will make everything better.

skidoodle · 27/05/2009 22:35

That is really terrifying, you poor thing and your poor little boy.

I really thought you'd say he was around 8 and I was already appalled, but 4?

The fact that your husband brought him to the pub at night and got so drunk he couldn't look after him is bad enough, but the fact that he refused to give the police your name and thus secure your son's safety for his own selfish reasons, and the fact that he tried to hide such a traumatic event for your son from you really speak of someone who cannot be trusted to put your son's needs first.

I'm sure Disneyland and some quality time with you will do him all the good in the world

chegirl · 27/05/2009 23:22

Good Lord

I dont have the words!

Poor baby. What a wanker.

He has pretty much lost his right to have your DS without supervision. The fact that he blamed a 4 year old for the situation speaks volumes AND sent your boy to a virtual stranger rather than 'embarress' himself by letting the police contact you.

Of course you son loves his Daddy and wants to see him but contact has to be in your son's best interests.

Put it this way. If your son was in care and his dad had a contact order, the contact would be immediately suspended by social services if your ex did this. No question.

macdoodle · 27/05/2009 23:51

One of the most shocking things I have read on here in a long time
So he has 13 out of 14 nights to get as pissed as he wants but the one night he has to spend quality time with you son he got pissed, stop contact, see a solicitor and rinf social services for advice NOW!! Next time it may not have a happy ending

pingviner · 27/05/2009 23:53

OMG your poor little son! I simply cannot imagine how any adult could be so selfish, uncaring and self-obsessed to put him through that, and to be cruel enough to not give your details and let him go home!
And then to say your 4 year old wanted to go to the pub? and I suppose he then demanded that his daddy gets hammered?

I think you need to get a solicitor and insist on supervised/no overnight contact - though Im sure you want to keep a relationship and visits going for your sons sake, your ex has quite obviously forfeited the right to unsupervised contact as he has been completely irresponsible and disregarded the welfare of his son. Keep any correspondance and if you can, get the police to give you the incident number.

I wish I could give you and your son a hug, totally unmumsnet I know, but I have some experience of managing similar situations and know how utterly bewildering it can be for a young child. Thank god hes got at least one adult around who can put his needs first!
Take care

Nancy66 · 28/05/2009 00:01

I'm stunned by this.

What a prize prick. Does he have a car - would he haven driven home drunk if the police hadn't arrived?

completely agree with the others - limited access and supervised only until he proves himself capable of being a responsible father.

the ex girlfriend is to be praised though. Very kind of her.

thumbwitch · 28/05/2009 00:10

Am appalled by this - and by the fact that a 4yo was allowed in the pub in the first place, especially on a Saturday night, and that his father was able to get stocious - why on earth did they keep serving him??

Poor little boy - not surprised he was scared stiff and YANBU at all to keep your ex away for ever a while.

ipanemagirl · 28/05/2009 00:53

He sounds like he deserves to have been arrested.

I take on all that's been said but a tiny bit of supervised contact fairly soon might take some of the trauma out of the memory for your ds. As long as your ex isn't too overbearing and hysterical with apology. Just a tiny visit to the park or for an ice-cream with supervision by someone you trust or yourself.

I think that these sorts of mistakes do happen and unfortunately losing touch with his son might just make him worse and also, not actually help his son. Kids adore their parents warts and all generally. Of course he can't have him overnight but some contact may be really positive for both of them under conditions that you are comfortable with.

Sometimes the anger of the mother can be pretty destructive for a child too.

I had almost no contact with my dad for years and that punished me as well as him.

tessofthedurbervilles · 28/05/2009 05:48

He is embarrassed about the situation, not surprised it shows utter lack of common sense and judgement. Your ds made him go as an excuse is clearly the sort of justification a child would make if they had been caught out.
Children should not be left in charge of children and until he can prove himself as an adult he should have very limited access to ds. The fact that this has been documented with the police should make it straight forward should any legal advice be sought on his part.