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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex-p not looking after DS properly?

26 replies

lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 09:47

I will try keep as brief as poss. I am happily married with one ds from prev relationship, ex-p sees ds one night in week, every other weekend. He lives close by and has a girlfriend of 10months who has a 5 years old dd (not his). I get on very well with girlfriend. I am really not happy with the way ex-p looks after my ds when he has him. Forgot to mention, ex-p flies of the handle at the drop of a hat, is a compulsive liar, hits women (i had to take him to court 7 years ago, he hit me). He also hit an exgirlfriends son (he told me). Also he's previous girlfriend phoned me one morning in a right old state, as he had give her a good hiding. He has has a very abusive nature and is really vile. Anyway the reasons for my concern are this weekend my ds come home upset saying that ex-p had hit him because would not eat sandwich girlfriend had made because he does not like pickle. Also in the car coming home beach ex-p smacked girlfriends dd and there was massive row in the car. I know my ex-p does not like this kid (she is lovely) he has told me before. Also my ds always comes home having had no bath/shower for whole weekend. My ds has red hair and I am constantly telling ex-p to put sun tan cream on him when they go out. Last year ex=p took ds to beach let him go in the sea all day (no top on, no cream) ds was in a terrible state, had 2 visits to doctors and could not go to school for week as could not wear a top. Also the other day, he came and collected ds in his work van. As i went out to wave him off, girlfriend was in the front and i could see no kids. When phoned ex-p my ds and her dd were in the back of the van sitting on tools with no seatbelts on . I have tried to discuss all of this with him, he just shouts like a nutter and abuses me. Please help!

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BonsoirAnna · 27/05/2009 09:52

Your exP sounds neglectful and abusive of your DS. Presumably, as you were never married, you didn't see a lawyer when you and exP separated?

lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 09:58

No we were never married. Never seen a lawyers regarding access we have made own arrangments. Thing is this has been going on for years my ds is nearly 9 and i've really had enough. Ex-p can be really nice to ds but he can also 'go on the turn at the drop of a hat'. He is like it with everyone. Ex-FIL is exactley the same. Do I stop ds going to his dads. I really dont think he can look after him properly and its getting worse. What I have told you is just a small snippet. The list of stuff just goes on and on.

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Hassled · 27/05/2009 09:58

As well as doing everything in your power to let the GF know she doesn't have to stay, and point her in the direction of Women's Aid, I think you need to visit CAB and see if you qualify for Legal Aid. Then go about, via a solicitor, restricting access - maybe to supervised contact only.

Is the current arrangement just informal between the two of you? I think it's time to get tough - there's no way any child should be exposed to that. He sounds dangerous.

Hassled · 27/05/2009 10:01

Sorry, X post.

Are you scared of how he might react if you tell him you want to limit contact? It might be easier to write a letter, spelling it out - your DS is witnessing violence, is unhappy about going and you want to get access arrangements formalised and will be seeing a solicitor. Be firm.

3littlefrogs · 27/05/2009 10:02

He has assaulted 2 children. I would be informing ss and police.

lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 10:09

The current arrangement is informal. I have been to CAB who advised a solicitor. Thing is I have obvioulsy spoken to my Dh about all this and quite frankly he has pissed me off. He said that at the end of the day ex-p is his father and he should see him. Dh just does not live in the real world to be honest. Everytime my ds goes to his fathers i am constantly worrying and to be honest it is making me feel ill. Should I stop contact, I do want to. Would I be wrong in doing so.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/05/2009 10:13

Does your DS want to carry on visiting? Maybe ask him what sort of contact he would like? Maybe he hates staying over all weekend but hasn't felt he can say? You never know. Bit harsh to stop contact if your DS wants to see his dad though.
It sounds really hard.

BonsoirAnna · 27/05/2009 10:13

I don't think you should necessarily stop all contact. But I think that it should be supervised contact - your exP's track record sounds as if supervision would be warranted.

You need to find a solicitor who is sympathetic to your case.

sleepymommy · 27/05/2009 10:16

I agree with others. Your son is not safe with this man. DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT!
And you should speak to SS as there is another child involved.

lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 10:17

Yes girls I think a solicitor is the next step. thanks for advice.

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lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 10:22

You are right sleepy. Dont really want to start going down the SS route though. My ds has a lovely home life we me and dh. SS tend to poke their noses in peoples family life but not in the right way. Before you know it I will have a social worker on my case and I have done nothing wrong. They are good at twisting things, seen it before with an old neighbour of mine. The bloke is a total nasty bully. I have never in the 10 years of knowing him heard him say he'd hit another bloke (not that that is right) its always women and kids. Another think i forget to mention. This is awful, he takes cocaine. I cant bare all that.

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sleepymommy · 27/05/2009 10:39

Wow, I think I'd stop all contact. If he wants to fight for it, then he can get courts involved.
In my experience of men like him, he'll make a lot of noise but he won't take action.
for your DS having such a wanker for a father.

lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 10:58

You are right sleepy. He is such a wrong-un. I love my ds so much, we are very respectful to each other in our house, and when ds comes home he sort of acts all rough as well. I know thats just a silly minor thing but the whole picture is just so awful. I feel sorry for girlfriends kid as well, shes not my problem though, without sounding horrible. To be honest I have tried to cut back contact before and he gets on the phone threatening to come up the school and start/come round the house etc etc. I went to police not that long ago actually because of him threatening me and they said they could not go and have a word with him, he actually has to do something and i then have to dial 999. Bit of a joke realy. My dh said he does not want to get involved. That has annoyed me somewhat.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 27/05/2009 13:54

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onebatmother · 27/05/2009 14:04

you are brill, shineon.

lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 14:10

Oh ShineOn. Thank you so much. My ds is 8. You are right though, i need to start getting things sorted in a formal way. I do have one problem regarding a solicitor. I am not entitled to legal aid as my dh works. Dh said that he does not want to pay out for huge solicitors bills. I am so angry about this as dh earns alot of money. I know ds is not biologically his, but he does love him very much, he treats him as his own.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 27/05/2009 14:47

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RumourOfAHurricane · 27/05/2009 14:51

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FabulousBakerGirl · 27/05/2009 14:54

No bath - not the end of the world.
No suncream - neglect.
Hit for not eating - assault.
Travelling in back of van - illegal.

I wouldn't be sending him again.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/05/2009 14:58

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RumourOfAHurricane · 27/05/2009 14:59

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lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 15:01

Thanks Shineon you are fantastic and brill. You do know me on here actually but i've changed my nickname. Your advice will be taken, I feel so much better for being pointed in the right direction. Thank you all girls.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 27/05/2009 15:06

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lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 15:07

Shineon I get your drift totally. You are not waffleing either.

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lovelyboy · 27/05/2009 15:10

You know me on here i meant. I have a copper friend who is a sarg at local nick. I can't tell her, all too close.

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