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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in not wanting to go on holiday with the in-laws

46 replies

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2009 17:17

even if they are footing the bill.....

I know that I am being thoroughly ungrateful BUT we have history with 2 previous holidays with them at their place abroad. The last one in particular was pretty much torture from start to finish - relentless interfering from MIL, bad-tempered FIL (my DDs call him Grumpy Tony instead of grandpa - geddit?!) shouting at DD2 for pulling herself up on their tacky expensive furniture (she was learning to walk at the time), deep resentment if we wanted to go out without them (DH and I had one meal out alone when they grudgingly agreed to babysit), feeling unable to leave so much as a water glass for use later without MIL spiriting it away to be washed up and DH reverting to being a stroppy teen and going to lay in bed at odd times when it all got too much for him whilst I slapped a rictus grin on my face and made lively conversation with the ILs. Sigh.

They announced yesterday that they are booking a week in Norfolk for us all next summer using their holiday bond thingy and how great it will be for DH and FIL as it is on a golf course so they can play every day. There is a pool for the kids and I'm sure they'll love it but I'm selfishly thinking what's in it for me and I'd rather not have a holiday at all.... Waaaaaaaaah!

Come on ladies - slap some gratitude into me.

OP posts:

ShellingPeas · 25/05/2009 17:52

Do what I do which is to send DH and kids on hols with ILs and I stay at home by myself - 'tis wonderful and gives everyone a break!

My ILs have gone EVERY year for the past 50 years to virtually the same place in Wales and EVERY year since I've known DH he has gone too - I did it for 5 years and then said enough! I'm staying at home, you go if you want to. (Hate beach holidays in the cold - don't see the point if you can't have sunshine!)

Now kids have lovely time with Granny and Poppa, DH gets a break from mad wifey, and I have a lovely time on my own, drinking far too much wine and being able to use the remote control for the TV all by myself!

jellybeans · 25/05/2009 18:01

YANBU I wouldn't go. I would say thanks but they should have checked with you first before booking. They shouldn't assume you would just go. It's nice that they want you all to go though, my MIL would just want DH and the kids to go.

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2009 18:01

ShellingPeas that is so brilliant - I think I could deffo forego the spa if I can have the remote and wine - simple pleasures and all that... And Ivykaty44 - you are so right ref relationship issues - DH and I always fall out massively on holiday as he 'needs a break' and does poop-all to help with the DDs. This despite be being a working mum with no team of staff assisting on the domestic front

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2009 18:02

MIL prefers my company to DH's unfortunately...

OP posts:

EvenBetaDad · 25/05/2009 18:04

YANBU - never ever will we do the PIL on holiday thing. I like them but no thanks. They just go at a different pace, do not understand how much excercise the DSs need and eat at different times.

The whole thing would be a compromise from start to finish for all sides. In other words not a holiday.

ShellingPeas · 25/05/2009 18:08

Sparkle quite understand what you mean about MIL preferring DH's company... my not going on holiday with them also means DCs can be over indulged as much as ILs like and I don't have to suffer the fall out until they get home.

I would definitely recommend it, if you can swing it with your DH!

Simple pleasures really are the best and I can almost (just about) remember what it used to be like before marriage and childbirth!

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2009 18:11

Too right EBD - the way I see it keeping the kids happy and fed is generally enough of a compromise - if I want Pringles and Gin for my supper then I should bluddy well be able to suit myself . Which reminds me - we arrived for the 1st night of last aforementioned disastrous holiday with ILs at their place abroad at mid-night only to be met with a hearty chicken casserole which we had to choke down despite the fact we needed to get the kids to bed, it was 32 degrees, we'd eaten on the plane anyway, and we all chuffing hate chicken casserole!

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Quattrocento · 25/05/2009 18:13

DO NOT GO.

It simply isn't relaxing going on holiday with other people. Actually it mostly isn't relaxing going on holiday with small children.

It's fine to say you don't want to go and fine to have some me-time. Leave DH to juggle the childcare and the golf.

I've done this every year for the last eight or so years, so my POV might be biased. They trundle off to Scotland to enjoy the wonderful scenery and stuff. I like the scenery but I don't like too much close proximity with family when I can't get away from them, nor do I like being in a damp cottage with an inadequate shower and no decent restaurants within a ten-mile radius, so I leave them to it. Works for everyone.

ssd · 25/05/2009 18:18

God op, 2 holidays all paid for you?

you've got all the luck

HolyGuacamole · 25/05/2009 18:42

Oh it's one of those ones where you're all obliged. I think grin and bear it and hopefully you can get the chance to get away yourselves as a family either before or after?

Kimi · 25/05/2009 18:50

Tell your DH to take the children and go, He might not be so keen when it is him having to do all the child care and no golf

WinkyWinkola · 25/05/2009 19:03

I wouldn't go on holiday with my in laws even if were a five star stay in the Maldives. No way would I be beholden to them ever. We'd never hear the end of it and they'd feel totally justified in interfering in everything. The most I can manage is three nights away with them somewhere and even then, I'm gagging to get away from the bitching and Daily Mail crap that they come out with.

If you go on holiday with them, then you'll just have to grin and bear it. Including the chicken casserole.

Do you have no say in it at all? I really don't think I could be grateful for something I don't enjoy in the slightest and couldn't even martyr myself for my children. After all, parents need holidays too away from sources of stress like family relations.

bigchris · 25/05/2009 19:11

yanbu
we spend all the school holidays driving to see my family or dh's family as neither of them live close
when it comes to our annual weekly holiday we want to spend it alone doing our own thing
we've been away twice with my family (including all my siblings, spouses and kids) it was too much, too liud and noisy, the kids all ate at different times, went to bed at different times, there was no chilling at all
luckily my dh knows if his parents even sugested it my answer would be no
it's bad enough having to spend xmas with them

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2009 19:57

I should like to add that they do indeed read the Daily Mail as if it is a lost Gospel.

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LuubyLuu · 25/05/2009 19:58

I'd invent a course, or a big meet up with friends, or a school reunion in order to avoid. That way you could go for a couple of days, then retreat and do your own thing, without a huge amount of guilt.

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2009 20:04

Oooooh another good idea thanks LLuu - I might even negotiate that with DH as he will kick up a stink if I don't go at all but can't deny that he is up for mucho golf and I need my jollies too.....

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luvoneson · 25/05/2009 20:09

Winkywinkola I will go on holiday with your in-laws if you like, I read the Daily Mail

susiey · 25/05/2009 20:33

yanbu I would never go on holiday with my inlaws get on ok with them but they would drive me mad .

also telling me when to go on holiday and booking it for me would drive me mad my mil trys to do arrange stuff for us and I can't bear it.

do send dh and kids though that will be alovely week sleeping till when you like, watching your tv and the peace

Indaba · 25/05/2009 20:36

think yourself lucky...we live overseas and as such, the in laws are here for 3 weeks over xmas and 2 weeks for meet up in europe in summer, EVERY YEAR!!!!....see em more than if we lived in the uk....almost worth moving back to england for!

2rebecca · 25/05/2009 21:29

I would discuss it with your husband and say you don't wish to go. I think booking a holiday and telling someone they are going is very rude and controlling.
I thought I got on well with my inlaws and invited them on holiday with us last year and it didn't work. We didn't feel relaxed together and MIL kept fussing round me and peering over my shoulder to see what I was up to, definitely a too many women in the kitchen thing.
I wouldn't invite them again. Different if you're in a hotel and can easily retreat to your room but a cottage is too personal and there is this having to make small talk in the evening thing when you'd rather read a book.
As we both work and have kids from previous marriages our holiday time with the kids is precious. No way would I allow anyone else to tell me how I'll spend it.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 25/05/2009 21:47

I would maybe only go for a couple of nights.

Make up a wedding you have to go to or something.

If you do go for the whiole thing, I would definitely ban dh from disappearing off to play golf all day.

Lay down ground rules beforehand that you will be out most days doing day trips and just use the place as a base. Plan your itinery before you go and make sure you fill your days!

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