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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or do I have every right to despise my stepfather with all of my might?

45 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 24/05/2009 22:49

Of course there are many issues with this but I find even now i'm living a good 2 hour journey away from my mum and him, he is still making me unhappy.

My mum and I arranged to get together tomorrow for a very rare girlie day, to go for a browse around town and stop for a coffee. I barely see my mum because of the distance. Now her husband has invited himself along and my mum will not tell him he's not welcome. I wouldn't mind, but he's made it pretty bloody obvious he hates me. Him being there is really going to spoil my day now. When they're together, he somehow manages to get my mum to focus all her attention on him and they just tend to walk off and completely ignore me, like i'm invisible, and i'll be in a conversation with my mum, and without fail, he will butt right in, while i'm in the middle of my sentence, about something totally different, and if I protest, my mum says for me to live with it, that it's just his way.

I am fucking upset. I only said I would meet up with her anyway because she wants my help with some paperwork she has to complete. He's such a bastard, I could stangulate his fucking chicken neck.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/05/2009 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FairLadyRantALot · 24/05/2009 23:44

here you go...hope you like dry red

SerendipitousHarlot · 24/05/2009 23:45

It's just something you have to just get on with I'm afraid. I can't stand my bil, but if the only way to see my sis is with him there, so be it.

Pita, but it's put up or shut up, innit

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/05/2009 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FairLadyRantALot · 24/05/2009 23:55

MichaelaS · 25/05/2009 00:01

sounds to me like there are two options: firstly, go with the flow and see them both even though you don't want to see him, or secondly that you cancel and tell your mum you want to see her alone or not at all.

Second one would probably be very hard to do, but could it be the best thing in the long run? You're not actually asking your mum to leave him or anything, just saying you would rather spend some time alone with her as you don't get on that well with him. I think that's reasonable - and if she doesn't agree then perhaps she is being controlled by him?

Tricky though, personally i'd probably cave, go out with them anyway and have a miserable day.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2009 08:13

Lola

You have written about these people at some considerable length before now. Both act dreadfully towards you, am surprised you still want to keep letting her/him back in.
You said it yourself; she considers him more important than you. Given a choice between the pair of you you Mum would choose him.

Your Mother was the one who wanted you to take out a loan to cover her own debts?.

Am only glad you moved out and away from them. You need to remain away from this pair otherwise they will just drag you down with them.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 25/05/2009 08:26

Lola,

I remembered you from previous threads and am so glad you put some distance there.

I think the back issues to your relationship make massive differences to the replies people would post regarding your relationship with "him".

Personally I would cancel and then tell your mother you want to met with her for a girlie day and pampering. You are now in a position where you CAN do this.... you do not need to do anything you are uncomfortable with, particularly with regard to seeing him.

Good luck whatever you decide.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2009 08:26

And a 10K one at that as well!!.

Your stepfather is using your Mum as his personal cash cow (he has not to date repaid her for all the flights to his home country has he?) and your Mother keeps asking you for money to pay off her ever increasing visa bill!.

I thought you were going to stop contact with the pair of them. Wake up, you are letting yourself be used here by these two malign influences. Walk away from the pair of them, they deserve each other's mess.

RumourOfAHurricane · 25/05/2009 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HecatesTwopenceworth · 25/05/2009 17:47

You have the upper hand - she wants your help.

See her alone or not at all - it's her choice, but if you don't see her then she won't get her paperwork done, will she?

RedCharityBonney · 25/05/2009 18:08

Wot Hecate said. They do sound a horrible pair.

I've cut contact with some vile family members myself and it's quite scary and weird, but not nearly as bad as having to see and hear them and put up with their head-trippy nonsense.

WhatToDoIAsk · 25/05/2009 18:28

I too have a bastard of a stepfather, I won't
go into detail [happy]
Just simplify a choice for your mum:
a) Spend a rare day out with daughter whom you do not get to see that often.
b) Don't bother, but do call if an opportunity arises when you are allowed to see me without SF.

oldraver · 25/05/2009 19:38

'She wants your help with some paperwork'

Please for the love of God dont say your signing the loan agreement

pollyblue · 25/05/2009 20:47

My stepfather was vile and I left home as soon as I could to get away from him, so I can sympathise tho I've not read your other posts so don't know the full story.

why does he want to come with you and your Mum? You're an adult - if you want a relationship with your mum that excludes him you've every right to ask for that. If she refuses then that's up to her. Make it clear you won't go out with her if he is around, surely she understands the situation? There are enough days in the year for her to have some time with you without someone you obviously despise in tow.

simplesusan · 25/05/2009 23:45

I agree with Whattodo.

ChippingIn · 26/05/2009 09:15

Lola - what did you end up doing? I too remember you from your other threads and hope you didn't go if he was going to be there and that if you managed to see your Mum on her own that you didn't sign anything against your better judgement!... x

ChippingIn · 26/05/2009 09:15

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 26/05/2009 10:59

Hello ladies, thanks for all your replies...wow, so many!

I feel great having moved out and not in their power anymore

I ended up spending a day with friends in the glorious sunshine and getting very sore feet from walking all day

I'm going to see my mum today and he will be out. She is always such a different person when he is around, like she doesn't smile, but when I ask if she's happy she says she is. When he is not there, she is like her old self, joking about and being a free woman. It's like she is afraid to be herself when he is there. I still have issues that he hits her. He does it 'jokingly', but I can see that they hurt. My mum has always put on this tough front, like she is a hard woman and no one can mess with her, and if I confront her about him hitting her, she just says 'do you think he would still be here if he was hurting me and doing it seriously?'

The paperwork was not the loan! I think m y mum totally regrets asking for it now and sees the error of her ways. She even offered to get a loan for me to help me set up my new home, and when I said "but I refused you the loan", she said "but that was for ten thousand pounds, there's a bloody big difference"...so I think she might be finally learning her lesson!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 27/05/2009 15:45

Lola - good news about spending the day with friends instead! How did today go?

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