to aks dp to help out with lo at nights?

[Foxy800]

Since we moved last year lo (shes 3) has never slept well at night, this got worse at Christmas when she was ill in her bed, resulting in her
refusing to sleep in her own bed, her grandma then got her a new bed, one of her choice and she is now back in her own bed but I have to lay with her till she goes to sleep, she then wakes 3 or 4 times a night and I have to go and do the same again. ANyway it is always me that goes in and last night after already going in 2 times Id had enough and said to dp he needs to help out as this is killing me( in the sense Im exhausted) and I cant do it all.

He then started arguing with me, which was my fault apparently!!! So Im trying to settle lo down in her bed and he is arguing from another room with things like I wont go to work tomorrow then, I work 3 long days a week and do this every night and still go to work!!! He did go by the way. Other things were she doesnt like me at night, which is partly true but i know if he went in and said Mummy is asleep she would be fine, its just she is used to it being me!!! The other thing was he often gets her breakfast, 3 days Im at work and the others Im up and usually in the bath as I cant have one at night at the moment as it wakes her!!

Anyway he went on and on and in the end I had to take her into my bed as she just wouldnt settle. In our bed it still took her well over an hour to go to sleep so she is shattered today which means I will be in for a fun day, she can be a nightmare when she is tired!!!

I really didnt want her to end up in our bed either but as he wouldnt shut up there was no way she would settle!!!

PLease be honest with me and tell me if you think I was being unreasonable!!!

YANBU.

BUT you really really need to sort the night-waking out. She's 3, and sleeping like a 3 month old. I wish I could offer some great advice - the only thing I can think of is some sort of bribery/rewards chart where if she stays in her bed without shouting for you all night (nightmares excluded) she gets a sticker, and 7 stickers = a treat. She will soon learn to self-settle, and then the waking will eventually fizzle out.

Thank you for your reply, I am trying to sort the waking out and have tried eveything I can think of including rewards and bribery.
I just wish dp would understand that Im not asking him to help out for ever as we will eventually get her out of it.

It was probably the wrong time to ask him in the middle of the night when everyone was too tired. So just sit down with him today and have conversation about it and the night sleep training between you.

i think he is very unreasonable. Both of you had the child therefore its both your responsibility. Both me and my DP used to study full time and we took turns in getting up. Now my DP goes out and i am at home with DC he however gets up more than i do.

Although our DC dont wake any more we have to take DD1 to the toilet 3 times a night.

I think the reward chart is a good idea.

we had a similar problem when returning from holiday whith DD who was 3 at the time, she wanted a light on and the door open and loads of cuddles, she was just trying to see how far she could push it eventually i explained that she needed her sleep and she had always coped without these things before mummy was in the next room and i was not coming in again and she would have to go to sleep. she cried and cried herself to sleep within about 4 days she was back to her normal self a dream sleeper. we have not had a prob since.

hope the slleping gets better.xx

YANBU he is being selfish.

I went through this with one of mine, in the end we child proofed the room and shut the door, nice night light and left to get on with it

Thank you for all your replies. I agree the middle of the night was not the best time but I had enough at that point and it sort of just came out.

Will try again today but have a feeling the result may be the same.

HAve tried everything I can think of to get her out of it but nothing seems to work!!! Ive even tried the leavign her to it but the stairgate is over the stairs not her door so she wonders into the hallway and either stands at the stair gate or by our bedroom door, she does go quiet but then she starts crying again and ended up often doing a poo where she is upsetting herself. This goes on for ages as she is stubborn and wont give in and she doesnt climb back into bed on her own unless Im with her!!!

i really think that if she continues to get her own way you are never going to get a good sleep again. like hassled mentioned her sleeping patterns are like that of a 3 month old.

If you are sure that there is nothing traumtic that has happened to upset her then maybe its time to really get tough.

One of my DC did vomiting as a last resort to get me to get them out of bed it sounds awful but they really want to have it there way.

and there i was feeling awful hugging her and letting have a cuudle with me for as long as she wanted, when my mum said to me what are you doing? You are letting her control you.

I tried to justify it to my mum by saying but shes being sick.
She said.....so you go in make sure shes ok change her and the bed give her a kiss and put her back to bed no conversation.

i did this and it did work, not first time obviously because she had become used to getting up.It took a few days but she was a lot younger then and now i am a lot more experienced.

At 3 they are a lot more willful So if you get tough it really will be hard to stick at it and you really do have to be strict.

My Dd is such a happy girl and doesnt even remember the time 5 months ago she decided she did not want to sleep but mummy said she had to.

If she got out of bed i put her back, if she cried i ignored her, she had the light off with her door shut like she had done her whole life previous to the holiday and eventually she gave up on her idea of ways to not go to bed.

One thing i did do though was have a word with her about what she was upset about, i did not want to be ignoring her behavior if it could be a result of something that was troubling her or happened to her.

Luckily the only thing she could come up with is that on holiday at her cousins house he said that monsters come out at night and thats why he sleeps with the light on.

Hope she gets better and hope your DH puts in his fair share otherwise its just not fair on you.xx

Hi there, thank you for your further response.

I have tried the being tough route but she just stands by the stairgate or our bedroom door crying, she does go quiet for a while then start again but she goes on and on and has been known to still be going at 3am then she is a nightmare the next day where she is so tired!!!

It also concerns me slightly because she is a breath holder.

Have you tried the Rapid Return technique?

You just take her back to bed every time she gets out of it. No lying down with her, no negotiation, no cuddles or chit chat. Just intercept her as she gets up, then lead her back to bed and tuck her in. If she's out of bed again before you've left the room then you turn straight round and put her back to bed.

You may have to do this 150 times the first night, it's soul destroying but persevere as she will learn that getting up gets her nowhere, and no attention. The next night might only be 100 times, then 75 the 3rd night and so on. Or she might clock on quickly and you crack it in a few nights!

I really recommend you nip her night activity in the bud now as it will probably only get worse.

(Oh and YANBU being pissed off with your husband, but things are always much worse in the middle of the night!)

Thank you for your reply, we have tried that months ago and it didnt work but will definately be trying it again, didnt work last time.

Have sat down with her and chatted with her about how I will lay with her when she goes to bed this week, then she is to stay in her room till the morning without calling out or crying and if she can do this for 5 nights she can have a treat. Then I said if she does
wake in the night daddy and I will be taking it in turns to go in and lay her down but not stay with her. Dp didnt say anything to this.

Not sure how much she understood but we will see.

She also has a story cd which she wont go to sleep without so have put this on repeat so it plays all night which is a pain but someone once said it could be because when she does wake up its not the same as when she went to sleep.

Ps I agree things are worse in the middle of the night, was just so tired last night and had enough!!!!

If it didn't work then you didn't do it long enough LOL! Seriously though, if you have nerves of steel and the patience of a saint give it another try. I have never seen it not work when done properly and consistently.

Good luck

yes thats true Sidge. Ive done it half heartedly and failed and when i finaly got tough enough and did it proparly both DC dream sleepers 7pm-8am 7 days a week.

The fact she even has a cd to listen to to go to sleep just sounds like she has you eating out of her hand.

I would just decide how YOU want bedtime to be and tell her the rules say this is how its going to be and no changes.

If its difficult having the story cd on, why do you have it?

I really dont think a 3 year old child should dictate your life,

And not saying this out of any disrespect but only because I know how it can be. My wonderful Dd got me, I would not of realised how in control she had become of so many things until my mum pointed it out and im so glad she did.

xx

Thanks for your replies.

Will definately be giving it another go and being more firm this time because as everyone has said it needs to stop.

We have the story cd as she had a sickness bug at christmas which scared her and the only thing that helped settle her is the story cd. I have tried to get rid of it but it sends her hysterical because its too quiet for her.

Ps I dont think you were being disrespectful msdevine, I really appreciate the reply as do I everyone elses.

Well we had a fairly successful night last night.

Lo wentto bed at 7pm with me laying with her.She slept till 12am then woke up so put her back to bed, altohugh dp made this very hard as he kept coming in the room saying its child torture, Im going to be sick, shes petrified of me (tried to explain that she isnt petrified of him, she is just used to me doing it all and that she will get used to it!!) Anyway he stormed off downstairs for a drink so I took the opportunity to talk to her then when he came back up I put her to bed, then he did saying something to her, then I did and she stayed in bed!!!It only took 15 minutes!!!
After 30 minutes of her being quiet I decided it was safe to go to the toilet!! She was still awake but after a kiss shestill stayed in bed!!! Then 20 minutes later one of our pictures in the hallway fell down making her jump!!!! Again a simple kiss and she stayed in bed till 530 this morning when she was allowed into our bed. So not sure how much sleep she got but just glad she stayed on her own!!!
Wasnt sure it was going to work with dp making such a fuss but he did stick with it!!
(Did feel like having 2 children though)

So have told lo she can have half a cross on hher chart and when she stays without calling out she can have a whole cross towards her treat.

Only thing is we couldnt do it without talking to her as she responded better to that, was petrified when I was just laying her down and going away.
It still only took 15 minutes to get her to stay in her bed though!!!

thats fantastic!!

not sure its going to work proparly in the long run with the talking as it will still encourage her to wake as she gets attention, the reason is she is still controlling the situation by getting you to be there talking but sounds like a big improvement.

What ashame your dp is not more supportive in this area that can not be helping. I have a friend whos dp is the same poor woman still has to have their 4 year old in the bed because he will not let her leave the child to cry.

I just wouldnt be having it when it comes to the children i am much more experienced as have worked with children as long as i can remember. So i tend to say how it would work best my partner will respect this and try it out and if it works after a fair trial of course we go with it.

But as i know from having my own dc now its much more difficult to suceed in these things with your own children as all the emotions are attached

leaving her without talking will cause a bad reaction at first as its something you have not been doing but in all my experience its the only thing that works in the long run. thats not to say just leave her screaming for 4 hours on her own i would go back in every 15/20 mins if she is still upset (screaming that is if its just sniffles its prob best to let her fall asleep) and with out engaging her in conversation just tuck her in rub her back and say night night time or whatever it is you say for bed time.

but well done sounds like you are a lot more positive this morning and im sure your dd will be in much better mood with the extra bit of sleep xx and you of course

Thank you for your reply.

Sorry should have explained more clearly that by talking,I meant that I was firmly saying its nighttime, we are next door and thats it, kisses her then leaving her again.

The only time I chatted more was when dp went downstairs for his drink as there was no point settling her down till he was back up.

Will see how we go tonight and dp will be helping whether he wants to or not!!! (Like having 2 children sometimes!!!).