to hate it when DH says but I'd do it no problem

[halia]

.... when he obviuosly can't, own't and hasn't the faintest idea what he is talking about!

I'm on the vexed topic of holiday childcare!

DH works long hours and works very hard in no way do I want to suggest he isn't working hard! But I get so P**d off when he says this!

Last night I raised the topic of the summer holidays. Now our situation is this, Dh works away during the week and comes home at weekends.

I work 7-14 hrs a week as a project manager plus I'm studying p/t.
DS is at preschool for 18 hrs which gives me 15 hrs a week once I knock off travel time to preschool.

Neither my job or my study stops over the summer holidays and as I am self employed if I dont' work I dont' get paid.

DH's sterling contributions to the topic last night;
me: can we chat about summer childcare
DH: its only the holidays
me: "its five (DS is at GP's for one week) very long weeks of solo childcare AND trying to continue with job/study - I need someone to take care of DS for at least some time each week really."
DH: "I know you constantly want to have someone else look after him"
?!?!?!? what the hell does he (DH) do except have other people (me and GPs) look after DS? pretty much I do all childcare except snday morning 6-10am and if I am lucky an hour or so over teatime one day so I can go out and do the supermarket shopping/run errands without DS tagging along and whinging. I do ALL the childcare needed for DH to do his job.
me: "no, but its a long period without any childcare and I have other commitments. you wouldn't like to have 5 weeks of solo childcare and no time for other commitments."
DH: "I'd do it like a shot it would be lovely and a nice rest."
yes, because he has done one weekend of solo childcare (longest period in 4 years) and that went so smoothly (no laundry done) and DS entertained/fed by dint of large chocolate muffins.
What really relaly gets me is the fact that its such a throwaway line - in our current situation there is no way DH would or could do that amount of childcare. Its very easy to say "oh of course I would if I could...knowing full well you will NEVER be asked to fulfill that promise"

me: through gritted teeth "what is it that concerns you about childcare"
DH: "we can't afford it"
yep, because the £350 for 5 weeks childcare (only 10 hrs a week just to keep things going) has sort of dissapeared after DH dropped £250 on his mums birthday present (don't get me wrong I love his mum but we normally spend around £50 MAX on a birthday present and we didn't even spend that much on DS at Xmas!)

grrrrrr

Finally got him to agree that if I can find a local childminder with space I can book a few morning sessions for DS but it took over an hour.

• your DH is being very unreasonable about this.

Your DH must have holiday owing? Let him use it all up over those five weeks and "have a nice rest".

hmmm, very very tempting. Except he doesn't have quite enough and anyway "my job would be at risk and I couldn't possibly take that much time off" (DH)

Get him to take a fortnight off, or a week at least. You can argue it will save you money. And leave him a list of everything that needs doing. Ask him how "rested" he feels at the end of it!

Yes, he can certainly take a week or a fortnight, it's a no-brainer isn't it? Everyone I know at work with school-age kids does this over the summer.

Agree with Anna about this. He is being very unreasonable and is sticking his head in the sand and leaving you to deal with the problem. If he can afford £250 on a birthday present he can afford £350 on 5 weeks of childcare.

Don't let yourself be pushed into putting your own job and needs second.

His comment of DH: "I'd do it like a shot it would be lovely and a nice rest." Shows just how childish he is being.

Just organise the childcare and don't tell him a thing about it?

Tell him your child benefit is paying for it.

definitely ask him to take of a week to do it, and tell him beforehand that whilst you want him to spend quality time with his son, you will also expect the chores done....

Get him to take at least a week off, tell him you need study time, then go and stay with your mum/sis/friend/whoever and leave him to it (with a comprehensive list of all the jobs that need done that week). And book childcare for the rest of the hols too.

Oh take no notice of that kind of talk. Your dh can afford some childcare, he would just rather that you do it for free.

Oh, and everyone has to take some time off in the summer holidays. We're all busy at work and we're all worried about our jobs - that's not really a good enough reason not to spend time with your family.

You DH has no idea has he. Really feel for you.
I worked shifts when I went back to work and DH would look after Ds. He would sometimes have help from my Mum. I still have to work some weekends and Ds does the child care and some housework (Not as much as I do)
This has been 4 years and DH really understands what it means to take care of a child, get some school work done and house work. He also works long hours in the week and has had 4 hip operations.
MY DH's thought on this matter (He can't tell you himself as he is out with Ds)
He doesn't have time to help me with house work so pays cleaner to iron, clean Kitchen and Bathroom.
Ds needs to go to nursery to make friends (only child) even if I didn't work outside the house.
Its hard to get another day smoothly with a child.
Education for everybody is important
Playing with a chatter-box child, taking an interest in him and teaching him as we go along is hard work.
So with that he even lets me have a nap in the afternoon if I tired and vise -versa
Good luck. I must get off MN and clean the drains.

Could he do a couple of days or half days a week for the 5 weeks? would give you some free time and mean he wasn't away from work for any length of time.

Only prob with this is making sure you don't get dragged into childcare too while they're around. And the fact that you'll still end up doing all the maintenance by the sounds of it (washing, food shopping etc)

But at least that, combined with maybe a weekend away somewhere without them, would give you the regular headspace you will no doubt need while spending all that time with your ds.

Most I've done with our DD (now 4)on my own is about 4 days I think,while dp was away. In some ways it was lovely but phew was I ready for a break when dp came home!Think dd was too

PS yes and agree with starbear, i think some time with other little uns each week is v important for ds too, specially if he's used to that.

He sounds incredibly unreasonable TBh I would take him up on his 'offer' and tell him to take at least one week off. No one is that indispensable at work! Set the precedent now ready for school holidays and anyway it is good for dads and children to spend time alone with their dcs

for you. Good advice here as usual.

Oh! I've just re read my post! I hope you all get what I mean. Ds is nagging me now re lego! Must get him and me into the garden.
Good lucK

thanks all, I chatted to him again about it and he backtracked a bit and said that his concerns were really about 'parachuting in a stranger' to look after DS.
Apparantly DS (4) is a delicate flower who would struggle to comprehend the fact that Laura (made up name) is a nice girl who is taking you out twice a week while mummy works during the summer because your preschool is closed.
He also then asked me "well what would you expect from an au pair, I mean there's not alot to do during the summer and DS can be hard work." um yes, and of course a summer au pair working 10 hrs ONLY doing the fun parts of childcare has a harder time than me doing it 6-7 days a week plus all the housestuff and work.

the other point DH made which I DO agree with is that DS definitly benefits from other kids around - and I am perfectly happy to find a CM rather than an Au pair (live out) its just that I've struggled to find a CM who has space over the summer.

I would suggest him taking a day a week off (already did) but I'm afraid that from previuos experience it would mean that a) I still had to organise everything that needed doing that day and b) If I was in the house I would get dragged into it.

Sod it I'm going to just go ahead and find some childcare - I've got a huge ebay pile so can raise cash that way and by economies on other stuff in the next couple of months.

If I can find a CM it will help as that will be cheaper, but with a budget of £350 I can get an au pair/ mumshelp student type for 10 hrs a week.

Starbear your DP sounds great, maybe I'm being unfair cos DH is a good dad but I think because he has the whole week away from DS (plus alot of the weekend) even if DS is being a little S*D on saturday morning it doesn't have the same impact as being the one who has to get DS up, dressed, fed etc and out the door EVERY morning.

I guess I really resented the implication in the comment about me "constantly wanting someone to take DS off my hands" especially as I am sitting here having looked after DS all of yesterday after my lie in til 9am. Got up at 5.45am with DS this morning and apart from when I had my shower I've been in charge of DS all day (DH is out). Still have shopping, laundry and housework to do plus a University assignment due end of next week.

halia - have you looked at holiday clubs? A lot start at 3 or 4, particularly those nurseries with linked out of school clubs or private schools with nurseries attached.

They do half or full days plus often have extra activities like sports or swimming etc; local health or sports clubs also run 10 - 3pm courses in various things which might appeal to both your ds and dh

Not sure where you are but childcare link should tell you some of the local ones. You could then potentially use the same one once he starts school and lots of children from all diferent schools go so there would be some continuity of friendships etc

What did he get his mum that cost £250?

whiskers - was going to suggest holiday club type thing as well but you beat me to it! I know a few people who have sent their DCs to them from 4 or so.

Also a lot of local councils run play scheme type things in the hols which are worth looking into - my DSs spent a couple of (entirely free!) afternoons at these in the park last summer doing craft activities & playing games whilst I was at home lazing in the garden doing the housework

I agree your DH is being very unreasonable.You can't be expected to work and study and care for a small child at teh same time.

there is a kids club attached to one local nursery/school but it felt as if it was geared for slightly older kids. I'm a bit concerned about him going to his preschool, then shifting to this holiday club (different place/teachers) then going to his primary school (different school) all in one year.

I'll see what else I can find out.

halia He not great I trained him but he doesn't know it. But you wasn't there the first week! He broke his arm two weeks before slipping on the stairs at work. After DS was born and he was helping me have a shower I felt faint and he won't pull the cord or sit me down as it would inconvenience the nurses! He then only visit me for 1/2 hours after work! Did get to see me until late, as I asked My MUM cook him a curry and it would be rude not to eat it while she was there! NO FLOWERS or Gift for giving him a child. I asked my neighbour to pick us up as he couldn't drive. So instead of meeting me to leave together from hospital he left her to it and met me at home after work! Allowed his friend, skinny wife & girls to visit at home while I still looked six month pregnant with a wobbly sack tummy
I had to re train him for my santiy